Martin forced a stiff-jawed smile like he’d just been puked on by somebody’s baby.
“Anyway, without further ado, let me ask you all to give a warm welcome to our first contestant. He’s thirty-three, he’s from Sheffield, and he’s blind, but if you think that’s going to stop him from juggling chain saws, then think again! Give it up for Juggling Joe, everybody!”
* * *
“What’s going on out there?” asked Danny, who’d stayed behind to stretch while Krystal and Will went to watch the opening act with Ivan and Mo. “I thought I heard screaming.”
“A guy just tried to kill the judges,” said Krystal.
“A blind guy,” added Will.
“With a chain saw.”
“Four chain saws, actually.” Will wiggled four fingers.
“He almost fell off the stage and landed on the judges’ table.”
“Almost?” said Danny.
“Somebody caught him just in time,” said Krystal.
“Shame,” said Danny.
Krystal smiled. “You’re not getting out of it that easily,” she said. “And anyway, if that’s the level of competition you’re up against, then trust me, you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about.”
“That’s not quite true though, is it?” came a familiar voice from outside the cubicle. Before Krystal had time to choose the right profanity for the occasion, El Magnifico appeared in the doorway, his face sporting several Band-Aids from his recent tussle with Milton. “You do have something to worry about, don’t you, Danny?” he said.
“Like what?” said Danny.
“I think you know.”
Danny thought about this for a moment.
“Global warming?” he said.
“No,” said El Magnifico.
“The plague?”
“No.”
“Wasps?”
“No.”
“You’re not scared of wasps?” said Danny. El Magnifico sighed.
Will joined in. “Zombie apocalypse?”
“Forgetting to empty your pockets before doing the laundry?” said Krystal.
“Accidentally making eye contact with somebody on the Tube?” said Danny.
“No!” snapped El Magnifico, growing impatient.
“Getting stuck behind somebody in the supermarket who wants to pay for everything with coupons?” said Krystal.
“Getting maced on your own doorstep?” said Danny.
“Good one,” said Krystal.
“It’s me, you fools!” yelled El Magnifico. “It’s me you’ve got to worry about! Me! El Magnifico!”
“We do worry about you, Kevin,” said Krystal, her voice infused with faux concern. “Everybody worries about you. You’re precisely the sort of person that society worries about.”
“Will, this is the kind of man I’m always telling you not to get into cars with,” said Danny.
“That’s right, keep laughing,” said El Magnifico. “Enjoy yourselves while you can. I can’t wait to see how smug you all look when I go home with the prize money and you go back to your pathetic little lives.” He turned to Will. “Tell me, boy, how does it feel to have an endangered species for a father?”
“How does it feel to have your scrotum ruptured by a size seven stiletto?” said Krystal. She took a step towards El Magnifico.
“Now, now,” he said, taking two steps back. “There’s no need for violence. I didn’t come here to fight. I came here to wish you the best of luck tonight, actually.”
“How very sportsmanlike of you,” said Danny drily.
“I mean, I wouldn’t say that if you had a shot at winning, of course, but as you’ve got more chance of shitting a live pig, I figure there’s no harm in saying something generically encouraging. Anyway, I’ll leave you to practice. I’m sure you could use it. And remember, it’s not the winning that counts. It’s watching me win that really matters! Shazam!”
He lobbed one of his smoke bombs into the cubicle and scurried away, unaware that the paper grenade had failed to activate. Everybody was still staring at it when he ran back a few seconds later, scooped up the bomb without saying a word, and ran off again.
“That was Krystal’s ex-boyfriend,” said Danny, leaning close to Will.
“Seriously?” said Will. Danny nodded. Will burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?” said Krystal, impaling them both with her eyes.
“Nothing,” said Danny, struggling to keep a straight face. “Absolutely nothing.”
* * *
“Ladies and gentlemen,” said the host as he reappeared onstage clutching the microphone. “Please give a big round of applause for Elastic Emma!”
Behind him, a young woman in a black leotard unfolded her limbs from the human knot she had somehow managed to turn herself into.
“What did our judges make of that, then?”
The three judges appeared on the huge television screen. Dave gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up. Martin nodded with approval. Sarah shrugged like she’d just been asked how she felt about human rights.
“You know, I wish I was that flexible,” said the host, waving to Emma as she walked offstage. “My ex-wife’s more flexible than me, and she’s been dead for ten years!”
A wave of cautious laughter passed through the crowd.
“It’s a joke! It’s a joke, don’t worry.” He paused to allow for a couple of guilt-free chuckles. “She’s actually only been dead for five years!”
A single cough punctuated the otherwise perfect silence.
“Anyway, on with the show. Next up we have Gerry, short for Geraldine. Gerry likes spending time with her grandchildren and making homemade bird feeders while watching Nazi Megastructures on National Geographic. Despite being almost eighty, Gerry loves to dance. She says it keeps her young, and when you see her moves you’ll understand why, so put your hands together for Gerry, a.k.a. the break-dancing granny of Gospel Oak!”
* * *
Many of the performers had taken to practicing in the corridor, Danny and Will included. They tried their best to avoid the meandering plate spinners, rogue unicyclists, errant acrobats, and pirouetting ballet dancers fighting for space around them while Krystal supervised from the relative safety of the cubicle doorway.
“Looking good, guys,” said Tim, a rolled-up cigarette hanging from his lips. “You two a double act now?”
“I was jealous of Milton so I decided to get my own sidekick,” said Danny. He ruffled Will’s hair.
“Sidekick?” said Will. “You’re the sidekick.”
“Actually, you’re both my sidekicks,” said Krystal.
“And I’m his,” said Tim, nodding at Milton. “He’s the real brains behind the operation.”
“Want to swap him for Danny?” said Krystal.
“I’m not sure he’d fit on my shoulder.”
“I also don’t look good in sweaters,” said Danny.
“Or anything really,” said Krystal.