She sat silently in the uncomfortable chair she’d pulled up next to his bed so that she could hold his hand. She’d been here for hours and would stay for several more. Hannah was at Kat’s apartment, enthusiastically plastering posters of singers Jessie had never heard of to her side of the wall in the spare room they’d be sharing for now.
For half a second, Jessie thought Ryan had squeezed her hand, but then the hope faded. She remembered that the doctor had told her he might twitch involuntarily on occasion. But that didn’t mean he was regaining consciousness or that he ever would.
His condition was still described as “critical” and had been for two days now. When she’d pressed him, the doctor had admitted that Ryan’s chances of survival were “no better than fifty-fifty.”
“But he’s strong,” the doctor had added quickly. “And that means a lot. We’ll know more in a few days.”
If Ryan did wake up, it would be to another world.
The new world, which she hadn’t yet told anyone about, was one in which she intended to resign as a criminal profiler for the LAPD. She’d written the letter to Captain Decker in her head. She just had to put it down on paper now.
She was done with hunting serial killers. She was done with losing friends and family to the monsters she’d let define her life. Her mother had died at the hands of one, as had her adoptive parents. She’d lost her mentor to another killer and almost lost her sister to him too. She might well still lose the man she loved. This life had to end.
She knew she could get a teaching position almost anywhere she wanted. Her thesis advisor had adored her. Her therapist, Dr. Lemmon, a former profiler herself, held influence at every major university in Southern California and would surely use it if Jessie asked.
She recalled Garland Moses’s words from what ended up being their last conversation, in the Nickel Diner over coffee, just before she’d sent him off with a sarcastic quip, something she now deeply regretted.
You need to take care yourself. If you won’t do it for your own well-being, think of your little sister and that dashing detective you love. Those relationships are inevitably going to suffer if you keep your foot on the pedal all the time. Looking out for you helps you look out for them.
She planned on taking his advice. This change would allow her to lead a more normal life, get home at a decent hour, and actually be there to help Ryan recover, assuming he got the chance. She’d be there to help her little sister through the hell that had been her life this last year. She still didn’t know if Hannah had helped her defeat Kyle out of genuine love, obligation, or self-preservation. But she had helped and that was a good sign. Jessie hoped to build on it.
With the decision made, Jessie felt something unexpected: liberation. It was as if she’d been carrying an enormous stone and suddenly decided to simply drop it and walk away. Even more, for the first time in what felt like an eternity, here in the hospital ICU, staring at her unconscious boyfriend, worrying about her troubled sister and mourning her dead mentor, she was filled with optimism about the future.
She managed a wry chuckle. Garland would have appreciated the irony.