‘Halt. Who goes there? Friend or Foe?’
‘Me,’ said Matthew simply, wondering if anyone had ever actually answered ‘Foe’.
Evans continued to munch. ‘You armed?’
Matthew shook his head.
Evans took another big bite and enquired somewhat thickly whether Matthew had brought any contraband from the future.
Matthew shook his head.
‘You up to no good?’
‘Absolutely up to no good,’ said Matthew.
Evans grinned. ‘Then pass, Friend.’
St Mary’s was, as it always was, completely unchanged. It was a bright, cold day and the building basked in the sunshine. A traditional representation of rural England. Serene. Peaceful. Deceptive . . . Matthew picked his way across the grass and entered via Hawking Hangar.
‘Hey,’ said Leon, emerging from Number Five. Inasmuch as it was possible for a piece of technology to look bedraggled, this pod did. Scorch marks decorated the side and the door looked as if a randy rhino had conducted a one-sided love affair. ‘We weren’t expecting to see you.’ He peered closely at his son. ‘Something wrong?’
Matthew nodded.
‘Your mother’s in her office. Go on up. I’ll just finish off here and then I’ll join you.’
Matthew made his way along the Long Corridor. The sun slanted through the windows, highlighting golden dust motes. He walked from shadow to sunlight and back again. A small brown and white rabbit lolloped alongside, keeping him company.
Emerging from the Long Corridor, he passed the kitchen, waving to Mrs Mack, who waved her ladle back again. The rabbit, wisely, veered off to pursue its own concerns.
The Great Hall was, as usual, littered with files, folders, whiteboards, sticky notes, mugs of tea and half-eaten sandwiches. There were also seven or eight rabbits hopping around the table legs, which was slightly less usual.
Exchanging greetings, he stepped carefully over a couple of furry Leporidae and climbed the stairs.
Max was in her office enjoying a vigorous discussion with her personal assistant. Time might pass but some things never change.
‘Hey, Mum.’
‘Matthew, hi.’ She looked blank for a moment. ‘Were we expecting you?’
‘No. Can I have a minute?’
Rosie Lee grabbed her bag. ‘I’ll go and get the post. Nice to see you, Matthew.’
He nodded. ‘How’s Benjamin?’ Benjamin was her son.
‘Very well, thank you. He’s off to college in the autumn to do electrical engineering. That’s not the official name of the course, but apparently it’s too difficult for non-electrical engineers to understand, so they call it electrical engineering.’
Matthew looked down. ‘Mum, why are there rabbits everywhere?’ Using his foot, he gently shunted a very pretty Oryctolagus cuniculus out of sight under his mother’s desk.
Max smiled blindingly. ‘Napoleon.’
‘What?’
Max crossed to the window. ‘Come and see. Ah, here he comes now.’
Professor Rapson appeared from an outside door, crossing the car park and swinging a bucket. Miss Lingos stood behind him, clipboard and stopwatch in one hand and the rather large handbell normally used for alerting all staff to the need for rapid evacuation in the other.
She paused a moment. ‘Ready, professor?’
‘What? Oh, yes, yes, ready when you are, Miss Lingoss. Activate the rabbit-alerting device.’
She swung the bell with a vigour that would lead to her being known as Quasimodo Lingoss for some considerable time afterwards.
For a second nothing happened. Other than the professor and Miss Lingoss, the car park was devoid of life and movement. And then, from nowhere, what looked like ten thousand rabbits emerged. As Mr Bashford attempted to explain afterwards – well, they were rabbits, weren’t they; their numbers had probably increased three-fold since breakfast.
They came from everywhere. One moment the car park was a completely rabbit-free environment and the next . . . They emerged from behind the bins, from under cars, from bushes, from doorways, even from nowhere. White rabbits, brown rabbits, piebald rabbits, big rabbits, small rabbits . . . As Markham said afterwards – it was like the Pied Piper. But with no rats. And no Pied Piper. But other than that, identical.
It was immediately obvious that whatever the professor had been expecting, it wasn’t this. He stood for a moment, staring at the advancing tide of Leporidae, his hand raised, as if he could hold them back by force of will alone. As Mr Evans said afterwards – it was like Knut and the approaching waves. But without Knut. And no approaching waves. But other than that, identical.
The professor dropped his bucket and fled. A few rabbits stopped to feed but the majority were made of sterner stuff and kept going. As Miss Lingoss said afterwards, ‘It was fascinating, Max. You could see the exact moment the entire species made the evolutionary leap from herbivore to carnivore. I feel privileged to have been there.’
Professor and pursuing rabbits thundered around the corner, heading for the traditional St Mary’s escape route – the library windows.
As Dr Dowson said afterwards, ‘Well, how was I to know it was an emergency? That I became aware of a strong draught just at that very moment was, believe me, merely an unfortunate coincidence. Well, yes, obviously, I shut all the windows. Well, yes, I thought I might possibly have heard some banging on the glass, but it was a very busy afternoon, you know how it is. Well, yes, I thought I might possibly have heard the odd scream for help but this is St Mary’s, you know, and if we all downed tools every time we heard a scream for help, we’d get nothing done at all. Do I understand there was a problem?’
To return to the matter in hand, back in her office, Max closed the window. ‘Apparently, the story of Napoleon being routed by hundreds of hungry rabbits is entirely credible. A good morning’s work, I feel.’
‘Well, I’m not going out there and picking them up,’ said Rosie Lee.
Max pulled out her chair and sat down again. ‘No one’s asked you to.’
Miss Lee scowled. ‘Yet.’
‘Ever. Rabbits are charming, fluffy creatures of a nervous disposition. People like you should be kept away from them at all costs. Go away and turn someone into stone somewhere.’
‘I heard that.’
‘Well, that’s astonishing. You didn’t hear me when I asked for a mug of tea.’
She blinked. ‘When was that?’
‘Your first day here. Remember? I’m still waiting.’