Where’s the color?
Where’s the comfort and homey feeling I crave?
It’s hard to imagine that I ever lived in this space and once again, I’m reminded of the many differences between whoever I used to be and the woman I am now.
Or the woman I was…
Oh, hell, this is so confusing.
“Let’s get you to the couch,” Gavin says as he begins guiding me toward the living room. “You can rest and I’ll get your stuff up here. I gave the staff the day off but we can order something. Just let me know what you’re in the mood for.”
I nod as I sink into the couch and he makes sure I’m comfortable before flashing me a smile and going back to the elevator. As soon as he’s gone, I stand up and gingerly make my way over to the bookshelf in the corner. There’s a photo of Gavin and me all dressed up and grinning at the camera. I pick it up and stare at the woman smiling back at me before running my finger across her face and shaking my head.
“Who are you?”
I catch my reflection in the glass and even though we look identical, she’s a stranger to me and the more I get to know about her, the more I wonder if I’d rather keep it that way. Nothing about this life makes sense to me or feels true to who I am and I can’t help but wonder what happened over five years to make me change so much.
After setting the picture back on the shelf, I wander back over to the couch and sit down, gazing out at the view of the ocean below. A luxury penthouse right on the water… How in the hell did I even afford this place? Even if I still had all of my two million dollar trust fund, I highly doubt it would be enough to cover the price of this place. The elevator dings and I turn as Gavin walks back into the room with my bag.
“Did you decide what you want for dinner?”
I scowl up at him. “How did we afford this place?”
“It was a gift from your father when your company became successful. He said a CEO deserved a home worthy of the title.”
Turning back to the window, I watch the waves crash against the shore as I nod. That does sound like something my father would do. He was always sneaking cash into my purse when I wasn’t looking even though I had the trust fund. Anytime I complained and told him I had more than enough, he would give me a look and tell me that he worked his ass off to make sure I never had to go without and that was usually the end of the conversation.
“So… dinner?” Gavin asks again, interrupting my thoughts and I turn to him as my stomach growls. I’ve been eating gross hospital food for days now and I’m looking forward to something with flavor.
“A burger sounds good.”
Gavin stops and turns to me with an arched brow. “Really? You were on a diet for the…”
“The what?”
“Uh… the wedding but I guess that’s on hold now.”
“Oh,” I whisper, looking down at the massive rock on my hand. “I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head, the surprise melting away as he smiles at me. “No. Don’t even worry about it. I just hadn’t thought of it yet because I was so worried about you.”
“Okay,” I whisper, turning back to the windows. There’s something about the water that puts me at ease even though I’m in a strange home with a man I don’t know.
“Food will be here in thirty minutes,” he says and I turn back to him as he glances up from his phone and offers me another smile. I know he’s probably trying to make me feel more comfortable but it’s actually doing the opposite. The pressure to be the woman he remembers, the woman he’s engaged to, is unreal and a huge part of me wishes I could go somewhere and be alone until I get my memory back. Then again, what happens if I get my memory back but I’m still not the person he’s desperately waiting for?
God, this whole situation is a mess and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone but it’s just so much… so much weight bearing down on me and I feel like at any moment, my arms are going to give out and that weight is going to crush me.
“You mind if I take a quick shower before the food gets here?”
I glance up at Gavin and shake my head. “No, of course not. Just do what you would normally do.”
“Well, normally I’d ask you to join me,” he replies and I suck in a breath as images of him wet and naked play out in my mind. I pull my knees to my chest and hug them. He sighs. “Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s okay.”
He sighs again and sits down next to me on the couch. “No, it’s not okay. It’s just so hard to always be on guard with you because two weeks ago, you were my Juliette.” He takes my hand in his. “But I know you don’t know me and I really am trying to make you as comfortable as I can.”
“I know,” I whisper with a nod.
“I have faith that we’ll get back there though.” He peeks up at me, his eyes shining with vulnerability and I nod as my chest tightens. Is it truly lying to him if my doubt is based on the fact that my whole life is up in the air right now and nothing feels hopeful?
I don’t know if we’ll get back there.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get my memory back.
I don’t even know who I am.
“Okay,” he says, releasing my hand and standing up. “I’m going to hop in the shower. Be right back.”
I nod and watch him walk out of the room before turning back to the windows. A little girl runs along the water, giggling as her father chases after her and tears sting my eyes as I smile. Daddy hated to go to the beach. He said it was too crowded, too sandy, and stressed him out more than ten emergencies at work but every once in a while Mom was able to convince him to go with us and we’d spend hours building a sand castle or burying him up to his neck. After Mom passed away, getting him to the beach was even more difficult since it held so many happy memories with her but that didn’t mean he missed out on special time with me. Instead, he had an amazing pool built in our backyard. It had gorgeous natural rock waterfalls, a hidden slide, and a huge spa. We spent so many weekends out there even as I grew into a teenager and I always thought of Daddy as my best friend. I could tell him absolutely anything and he never lectured me. He’d just listen and offer me helpful advice that I usually took.
A soft sob slips past my lips and I bury my face in my knees as the tears fall hard and fast. I can’t believe how much I miss him and knowing that I’ll never see him again, never hear his warm, booming laugh feels like a hot poker in my chest. There is still so much I need my father for in my life and I can’t fathom how I’m supposed to move on without him. Without my parents, I’m truly alone. My mind drifts back to Mercedes and I look up, wiping the tears from my face as I stare out at the water. I wish I could talk to her. She’s one of those people that has always been there for me but I have no clue what our relationship is like right now. Are we still friends? Did we lose touch after I moved to Miami?
“Food’s on the way up,” Gavin says behind me. My body jerks in surprise and I let out a little yelp before peeking over my shoulder at him. He arches a brow. “You okay?”
I nod. “Yeah, just scared me a little.”
“Sorry.”