“I know it’s stressful and I know how worried you are about me and everyone else but you also have to learn to deal with that instead of internalizing it and letting it eat away at you. What’s happening isn’t your fault and absolutely no one blames you.”
He drops his forehead to my chest and releases a heavy breath as a little bit of tension seeps out of his body. I run my fingers through his hair as tears sting my eyes and my chest aches for my big strong man and his fragile heart.
“I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose you,” he whispers and I shake my head, forcing his gaze back to mine.
“Hey. I’m not going anywhere.”
Pain flashes through his eyes as he grips my hips like he’s trying to keep me from floating away. “What if something happens to you? What if this guy…”
“Stop, Wyatt,” I whisper, pressing my hand to his cheek as a tear slips down my face. “You’re making yourself crazy and I think that’s a big factor in what happened last night.”
“I can’t just sit here and do nothing, Pip… but there’s nothing to do. We’re all looking into this and we can’t find anything. He’s probably watching all of us and laughing as we flounder.”
I shake my head. “So, why are you letting him win? You’re doing all you can do and you know that. You’ve given me a gun to protect myself and you’re still so consumed with fear and anger that you can’t even enjoy the quiet moments like this where it’s just you and me together.”
“I don’t know what else to do,” he admits, his voice cracking and my heart shatters in my chest. Oh, my sweet, sweet husband. I lean down and press my lips to his. His arms wrap around me and he pulls me into his chest as he kisses me like he may never see me again and more tears slip down my face. I have to find a way to help him, a way to allow him to just breathe freely for a little while or he is going to break. An idea forms in my mind and I pull back, flashing him a smile.
“I have the best idea.”
He cracks a little smile as he stares up at me but his eyes still hold an incredible amount of pain. “Why does that look on your face scare the hell out of me?”
“‘Cause you’re silly,” I say, flashing him the biggest smile I can as I jump off his lap and slap his thigh. For me, seeing him smile is the quickest way to cheer me up and I only hope that it is the same for him. “Now, come on, let’s go.”
“Where are we going?”
I turn and grab my hoodie off of the couch, pulling it over my head, before glancing back at him with a grin. “It’s a surprise.”
He shakes his head and reluctantly follows me outside but when I stop next to the Bronco and demand the keys, he crosses his arms over his chest with a laugh.
“Oh, hell no. I’m driving.”
“How are you going to drive to your own surprise, crazy?” I ask, propping one hand on my hip and holding out the other one, palm up. He sighs, studying me for a second before he digs his keys out of his pocket and plops them into my hand. Once we get in the truck, I reach over to the glovebox and pull out the bandana he always keeps in there before passing it to him.
“Put this on, please.”
He shakes his head. “Absolutely not.”
“Wyatt,” I whine, being extra ridiculous as I cross my arms over my chest. He may be resistant but he needs this and I am not above making a fool of myself for him. When he still doesn’t budge, I poke my bottom lip out and he rolls his eyes. Sighing, he shakes his head again and grabs the bandana before slipping it over his eyes. Once his vision is obscured, I start the truck and back out of the driveway.
“So, now that I have you where I want you,” I say as I drive down the street. “How about we talk about last night?”
He scoffs. “Do I have a choice?”
“Nope.”
“Fine,” he says. “Say what you need to say, baby.”
Sucking in a breath, I nod. “Obviously, I didn’t cheat on you and I would never do that to you.”
“I know.”
“But you throwing that in my face was fucked up, Wyatt. I understand you were mad but you can’t punish me for the lie I told ten years ago for the rest of our lives. That’s not fair.”
“I wasn’t trying to throw anything in your face, Pip. I just…”
I arch a brow. “Just what?”
“I lived with that lie for ten years, you know. It was my life and there are so many goddamn ways that I could lose you that I’m fucking terrified I won’t see the end coming.”
“Which brings me to an important question,” I whisper as my heart thunders in my chest and my heart aches. I hate that he is so certain that there is an end coming for us and I can’t help but wonder if the pain of our past is too big, too powerful for us to overcome. Sucking in a breath, I shake my head. Oh, God, I’m so nervous to ask this but it needs to be done. I just don’t know if I will like his answer. “Can you trust me?”
Silence descends over us, slamming into me like a brick wall and tears sting my eyes as I wait for his reply.
I wish he would have immediately said yes.
I wish he would have gasped and told me that of course he trusts me.
Anything other than this quiet that feels like it’s going to drown me.
My heart thuds in my ears and I glance over at him as my stomach twists. Finally, he sighs and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“I don’t know how to answer that.”
I nod as a tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away. “Can you explain?”
“Well, I don’t think you would ever cheat on me,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “But I’m terrified that you’re going to walk away from me again. Especially with all this shit going on, I’m terrified that I’m going to come home one day and you’re just going to be gone.”
I want to tell him that it will never happen but I can’t say that with one hundred percent certainty. Besides, I don’t think he would believe me if I did. The past hangs heavy between us, haunting our love, something I didn’t really realize until last night, and I don’t know how to fix it. Right now, even with all the crazy, I feel good but something could change so quickly and I don’t know how to reassure him that I’m here to stay.
“You can’t tell me that will never happen, can you?”
I shake my head, my bottom lip wobbling. “No. I can tell you that, right now, I feel strong and ready to face the world with you but I can’t promise it will never happen again.”
His promise to me the morning after he fucked me on the kitchen counter springs to my mind and I wipe the tears from my cheeks as I look over at him.
“What happened to ‘I signed up for forever, for better or worse’? This is worse, baby. I have to live with the night my parents died and the profound impact it had on me for the rest of my life. Nothing can change that. Is this something you can live with or is this something that is going to destroy us?”
“Can I take the goddamn blindfold off?” he asks, desperation in his voice as I pull to a stop at our destination. “I need to see your eyes.”
“Okay,” I whisper as I put the truck in park. He pulls the bandana off and his gaze meets mine as he holds his hand out. Scooting across the seat, my heart hammers, waiting for his answer and when I reach him, I melt into his arms. He presses his lips to my forehead as he releases a breath. When I look up at him, he smiles and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a ring box and my eyes widen.