“I’m scared.” Her voice cracks as she forces the words out of her mouth, her skin against mine. Pressing my hand to her face, I lean down and kiss her forehead, a tear falling as I struggle to breathe.
“I’m right here, Kitten. You’ve got absolutely nothing to be afraid of.”
“Love you,” she whispers. “So much.”
And then the darkness descends.
* * * *
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
That steady beeping – it’s the only thing that confirms she’s still here. That I get one more moment with her on this earth because the doctors can’t tell me anything. They say she’ll wake up when she’s ready. If she ever wakes up – that’s what they’re not saying. She may not ever open her gorgeous blue eyes and smile at me again. I’m so close to losing everything all over again, and if I thought the pain of my past was torture, I was fucking wrong. I’m hanging off the edge of an abyss, my fingers digging into the rocky cliff as fire burns below me, waiting to consume me.
She lost so much damn blood, and it felt like hours as I waited for the paramedics to come in and start working on her. But nothing has ever felt as long as the two days that I’ve waited for her to just open her damn eyes as her final words ring in my ears. She’s here – her heart is still beating, and her lungs still suck in air and push it out again but it all means nothing if she never opens her eyes.
This is my fucking fault.
I can’t stop looking at the situation from other scenarios, trying to see where I went wrong. God, I was so stubborn and determined to end it that I didn’t even consider another possibility, and it just might cost me her. I can’t help but think of all the things I did wrong. Why didn’t I ever consider that it could have been someone else? There are still so many unanswered questions but one thing I know for sure is the dead man in our kitchen was not Ian’s twin brother, Tristan. How is it possible that she was in even more danger than I realized? Not that it matters if she doesn’t open her goddamn eyes.
“Kitten,” I whisper, grabbing her hand and bringing it to my lips. “You gotta wake up for me, okay? I need to know that you’re still in there.”
Tears gather in my eyes again as I just look at her, her creamy skin so pale and cold, and her hair greasy as it sticks to her face.
“The last time I said this to someone, I was young and thought I knew everything, but this time is different. With you, it’s all different. I won’t survive losing you, Baby. I know it. You’re the only woman on this earth for me, and we have a whole life to live together so you can’t leave me.”
Stroking the back of her hand with my thumb, I imagine the wedding she described to me as she lay in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor. I picture her walking toward me in a white dress with a brilliant smile on her face and her blue eyes twinkling. I miss her eyes. I’m addicted to the way she looks at me and that little sparkle I get when she smiles at me. My knee starts bouncing, and I kiss her hand again before I look up at the ceiling.
“What the fuck did I ever do to you? You do this to me not once but twice? Don’t you dare fucking take her from me, too. You don’t get to take her,” I rage at God, and the door to Ali’s room opens as I wipe my eyes and turn back to my girl.
“How’s our girl doing?” Janice, Ali’s mom, asks. As the ambulance drove Ali to the hospital and I followed them, I called her parents. I knew she would want them here, and if she’s not coming back to us, they need to be here to say good-bye to their daughter. Just that thought has me choking back tears again.
“She’s the same,” I answer, my voice rough as I stare up at Ali’s face.
“Why don’t you go get some food, son,” Peter, her father, says, patting my shoulder but I just shake my head.
“I’m not leaving her.”
As soon as they showed up, they hugged me and welcomed me into their family like it was meant to be. In fact, Janice has kind of been mothering all the guys as they stop by to check on Ali every so often. I didn’t even know that she knew about me, and I don’t really understand how she can be so accepting after I put her daughter in this situation but all my focus is on Ali right now.
“Well, all right, then. We’ll go down to the cafeteria and get you something to eat. Any preference?”
I shake my head, and she sighs before patting my shoulder just like Peter did. When the door closes behind them, I stand up and lean over the bed, pressing my forehead to Ali’s as I just breathe her in, missing the mango scent of her soap more than I ever thought I would.
“I need you, Baby. You’ve got to come back to me. You’ve got to fight. I love you. Do you hear me? I fucking love you, Kitten, so you’ve got to come back.”
The door opens again, and I clear my throat as I sit back down, holding her hand tight between my own.
“Hey, Man,” Kodiak says, coming up behind me and slapping my shoulder. “How’s she doing?”
“Same.”
“It’ll work out, Brother. That girl loves you too fucking much to leave you. She’ll wake up when she’s ready.”
I nod, unable to speak as I think about the opposite of that happening. I squeeze her hand and press it against my forehead as I close my eyes.
“I’ve got some news for you.”
“Let’s hear it then,” I snap without looking at him. I know I’m being a colossal dick but I can’t even bring myself to care right now.
“Picked up Tristan, Ian’s brother. Turns out, Ian was blackmailing him to follow Ali. He wants nothing to do with any of this. We gave him enough money to start over somewhere new and drove him out of town.”
I nod, lifting my head and staring at Ali again. “Well, at least one thing worked in our favor.”
“Man, you couldn’t have known that it wasn’t Ian. Everything pointed to him.”
My gaze flicks up to him, and I shake my head. “I should have known. I promised to protect her and look what I fucking did to her.”
“You didn’t do shit to her. We still don’t even know who the hell this guy is to Ali. This isn’t on you. Sometimes, bad shit just happens.”
“Yeah, because of me. Every time.”
He sighs and pushes off the wall. “Like when my pops died. That your fault, too? Or when Smith’s dad shot his mom right in front of him. Was all that your fault?”
I don’t say anything, my knee bouncing harder as I keep my gaze trained on Ali.
“Yeah, didn’t think so. Bad shit happens and yes, Brother, you’ve had more shit piled on you than a lot of people, but that girl is wakin’ up. I know it.”
“No, you don’t, actually.”
He shoves my shoulder, and I stand, ready to slam my fist into his face. “Man, knock your shit off and pull your head out of your ass. She needs you right now so be the man that she needs you to be. And have a little faith. I’ll be back later to check on you.”
Without another word, he leaves, and I sink back into my chair, holding her hand to my lips again. “I’m here, Ali. I’m right here, and I’m not leaving until you come back to me. Just come back, Baby. I miss you so fucking much.”