That ending is a lie.
Maybe the only real happy ending is this:
The girl ends up with herself.
We are here. We are everywhere. We will be here, even as the sea threatens to swallow up our islands, as the fires close up around us. But we will not be burned. We will not be drowned.
We are not done yet.
There is evidence. There is truth. There is Dr. Chen, testifying in court, telling the world what happens when you’ve been hurt like we have. There are the men we sculpted into our fathers—the gardener, the counselor—telling the world we are worthy of being salvaged.
I am there, speaking. I am telling the world I am worthy of being salvaged.
This is our best show. These are our highest ratings.
Raine, this will not be your headline. You will get away. You will be the one to survive this. Even if the world is on fire, you will live a life and it will mean something.
I am the star now. Something to nothing to something again. I am the sun orbiting the black hole.
I will not be quiet.
Acknowledgments
For a long time, I was convinced this book would never get published. It was too weird, too risky, too unlike anything I’d ever written. My deepest gratitude goes to my brilliant agent, Michael Bourret, for believing in me and my book and our weirdness, and for finding us the best home.
Big love to my editor Jessica Dandino Garrison. From the moment of our first phone call, I knew you were the one. Thank you for challenging me to be better and for putting so much time and heart into this book. I lost count of the rounds of edits, but I think we finally got it.
Thank you to everyone at Dial/Penguin: cover designer Kristin Boyle, especially for your at-home glitter photo shoot when the world changed our plans; interior designer Cerise Steel; copyeditor Regina Castillo; Doni Kay; Shannon Spann; Lauri Hornik; Nancy Mercado; Michelle Lee; and Rosie Ahmed.
My humble gratitude goes to Anna Long, Amanda Starr, and Crystals, for your expertise and insight into the mind of Fern and Ivy, and for your wise guidance in helping them be more true.
To my Nebo girls, who have patiently been listening to me talk about this book for years: Jaye Robin Brown, Amber Smith, Frankie Bolt, Jocelyn Rish, Rebecca Petruck, Rebecca Enzor, Robin Constantine, and Joy Neaves. Thank you for being my yearly dose of peace in the chaos of this publishing world. May we dance to Lizzo in the kitchen for years to come.
And finally to my daughter, Elouise. For being my hope, my reason for everything. I’m dedicating every day to you.
Author’s Note
(spoilers ahead)
When I started writing this book, Fern and Ivy were two distinct people. My original intention was to follow The Great Gatsby’s story line pretty closely, while expanding its themes based on our evolution as a country and culture in the hundred years since its publication:
How have the shadows of the American Dream darkened even further since then? What happens when we look at it through the eyes of young women rather than men—when we add climate change, the further consolidation of wealth and power, white supremacy, the corporatization of politics and media, the commodification of young women’s bodies? And how do we burst through the coded homoeroticism in Nick Carraway and Jay Gatsby’s relationship and make it hella queer?
But something happened in the middle of my first draft that threw me for a loop. One morning, out of nowhere, Fern and Ivy told me they were the same person. Or more correctly, Ivy told me that Fern was a manifestation of a self she did not yet consciously know how to access, but desperately needed. (It may sound strange, but these are the very best, and most elusive, moments of writing—when our characters surprise us and take the lead and start telling their own story.)
I have lived with trauma, dissociation, addiction, and mental health issues my whole life. And while I do not have the experience of living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder), I have done a lot of therapy known as Internal Family Systems work—or “parts” work—in my own healing journey. This is the idea that we all have several parts, or personalities, inside us, all with different roles. There are parts of us that are still little children: maybe they are terrified, or ashamed; maybe they act out in various ways. There are parts of us that are more grown (or more awakened, if we want to take the Buddhist psychology approach), that we can rely on for compassion and love and wise guidance.
I became interested in exploring Fern as a part of Ivy, as a personality inherent within her, one that maybe the scared, reactive, and traumatized parts of Ivy would both yearn for and fight against.
This book is not meant to be a literal depiction of Dissociative Identity Disorder, which can manifest differently for different people, but a fictionalized interpretation of what might resemble aspects of that experience. I did a lot of reading, I consulted with psychologists who specialize in personality disorders, and I asked a person with DID to read a draft and give feedback. If I have failed at representing the experiences and struggles of those with DID in any way, the failures are my own.
Though I do not have the experience of multiplicity, I know what it is to need to listen to my parts, to find compassion for them, to challenge them, to ask them for help, to tell the ones that are scared and wanting to act out that the grown-up me can take care of things. That I can take care of her.
May we all find this power, and this courage. May we remember that we are not alone. May the wise and resilient parts of us assure all our scared and wounded parts that we will be okay, and that together we will find a path to healing.
Love,
Amy
If you or someone you love is experiencing Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) or want to learn more about it, here are some recommended resources:
Beauty After Bruises:
An organization dedicated to providing survivors of childhood trauma with access to, and funding for, therapeutic and inpatient care; while creating professional and public awareness for Complex PTSD.
beautyafterbruises.org
International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation:
A professional association whose main goal is education and furthered research. They provide an extensive database of therapists and resources for survivors while hosting seminars and trainings for therapists.
isst-d.org
Sidran Institute:
An education and advocacy group that provides information and support to survivors, loved ones, professionals, and the general public.
sidran.org
For survivors of rape and sexual trauma:
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network):
The nation’s largest anti–sexual violence organization.
rainn.org