To hear them tell it, God was the one who saw them through those dark times.
I think it was love. A love so strong, it could survive anything. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that they chose each other—and God—over me the night of the accident. I was never included in that love triangle, because I was never as devoted to their faith as they were.
Not for lack of trying. But no matter what I did, it never felt right.
Father Gabriel would often try to rope me into conversations about God when he came to visit. He was subtle about it, and I give him credit for that. But even he could never convince me.
I still went to church, of course. I still prayed when everyone else did.
Gabriel’s coming back tomorrow.
The thought makes my pulse beat a little faster.
What do I do if I find out everything the Brotherhood’s been telling me is bullshit? Would Gabriel still take me under his wing after I doubted him? Or would he act like he did all those times I came right out and told him I didn’t believe?
I can’t handle seeing that disappointment in his eyes again.
Not now. Not after everything.
I walk past my room door without pausing.
I don’t know if I can risk hurting my only friend. I need to make up my mind about Zachary and his brothers before Gabriel gets back.
There’s only one way I can think to do that.
I push back my shoulders, take a deep breath, and start down the stairs.
Chapter Fourteen
Zach
I lost control today.
It’s the girl.
Trinity has a talent for tearing down the walls I’ve meticulously built up around my dark heart. When she’s around, I can’t forget how fucked up I am.
Because of her, I lost control. Now the darkness doesn’t soothe me like it should, nor does the joint I just smoked envelop me in its usual mind-numbing fog.
I feel sick, but not in a physical way. Times like this, it’s as if the disease in my mind is actual cancer, slowly spreading through my neurons.
Infecting. Weakening. Killing.
What will happen when my sanity is gone? When there’s nothing left to hold onto? When I can’t slow down the clock?
The things I did today were supposed to give me more time. But instead of resetting that fateful countdown clock chiming out the minutes till my next breakdown, everything I did today sped it up.
Hurting Cassius.
Our fistfight.
Punishing Jasper.
That last one I’m particularly pissed about. It should have been Miriam, that steward of righteous repentance, doling out his punishment. But I thought it would tame the demon clawing its way up from hell through my body, so I did it instead.
I struck him over and over again, punishing him for something I don’t consider a crime.
There’s a faint noise from outside.
Have one of my brothers returned to our nest? They know better than to disturb me when I’ve gone dark.
Something could have happened. Something important.
Or maybe they’re in as much need of solitude as I am right now. Rube comes here for the quiet sometimes. Just sits on the couch and stares at nothing as he rubs his thumb over his rosary.
Not his anymore.
But does that change anything?
I have to get up and confront whatever—whoever—it is, but I don’t trust myself yet.
Maybe I never will.
Orange light from one of the lamps on the other side of the partition spills through.
Something’s wrong.
My brothers know the dark soothes me. They might dare to come close, but they wouldn’t risk provoking me.
I rally myself, calling back the tendrils of my mind from the far-away places they drift to when I don’t keep them contained. It takes effort, and time.
By then, I can hear soft noises as the invader starts hunting. Tins rattle. Clothes rustle.
I push into a sit and hang my head between my knees for a moment. The cool air slides against my bare back as I breathe deep and try to center myself before standing.
I head for the edge of the curtain, the padded floor masking my footsteps, and zone in on the sound of a tin rattling. Sliding a finger behind the curtain, I part it far enough to see a sliver of the room beyond.
My chest tightens painfully.
I’m suddenly too aware of the slow thump-thump-thump of my heart.
She shouldn’t be here.
I shouldn’t go out there.
She’s a blast of warm air to the glowing coals of my mind, and everything around us is mere tinder.
But I guess I like the flames, because I slip out of the dark anyway.
I’ve always liked the flames.
Chapter Fifteen
Trinity
There’s nothing here. I thought they’d have hidden things between their clothes and porno mags and booze and cigarettes.
But there’s nothing. Nothing!
Everything here has a purpose. Not a single object is decorative or sentimental.
It’s fucking creepy.
I guess it was stupid of me to think they’d leave anything incriminating lying around.
I’m just about to leave when I spot the corner of a book sticking out under a heap of clothes.
My bible.
I pull it out, running my palm over the cover as I trace the embossed letters with my fingers.
I’m about to open it and take out the photo of my father I’m hoping is still inside when the hair on the back of my neck stands up.
“Find anything interesting?” Zachary asks, his voice inches from my ear.
I spin around with a strangled gasp, clutching the thick bible to my chest like a shield. But it falls from nerveless fingers when I see his face.
He catches it absently before it can hit the floor, and sets it down on the shelf behind me.
Dead eyes the color of pond algae regard me for long moments before he leans forward and rests his palms on the shelf. First one hand, then the other, boxing me in.
It’s strange seeing him bare-chested in a pair of jeans. It feels wrong. A sinful kind of wrong. But when I try to look away, my gaze darts to the tattoo on his pec before I can force myself to look up at him. The combination of that sinister tattoo and his dead eyes is chilling.
“I was—”
“Lost?” he rasps as he narrows his eyes. “Browsing? Spying? Tell me if I’m getting warmer.”
I’m trembling inside. His proximity, his intensity…it’s too much. I can barely breathe. But instead of bowing my head and begging him for forgiveness, I shove my nose into the air and glare up at him.
“I’m taking you on your word about all of this,” I say. I lift up a finger. “You couldn’t give me a shred of proof. But I’m willing to give you guys a chance, anyway.”
“Liar.” He lets out a long sigh that shifts strands of hair against my face. He ducks down, leaning in until his nose is almost brushing mine. “If you believed us, you’d be snug in your little bed right now, not wandering around sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.”
I have to cleave my tongue from the roof of my mouth before I can speak. “Fuck you! I do belong here.”
We frown at each other.
“I mean, I have every right to be here. I have every right to ask questions. You can’t expect blind faith from me.”