Cass isn’t moving.
With the lights on, the ligature marks around his neck are too bright, too red, too fucking real.
“Did you call Timothy?”
Of course I hadn’t. Cass was supposed to tip over the chair as Gabriel walked in. He’d be hanging for seconds before Gabriel brought him down.
Unless he slipped.
Unless he actually did break his fucking neck.
Unless the sick fuck let him choke to death as he watched, because he’s known all along about us, known we were watching, and he was waiting for just the right moment, the perfect opportunity to—
“Brother Zachary!”
I flinch, tearing my eyes from Cass’s slack face.
“Call Timothy.” Gabriel doesn’t shout. In fact, he sounds calm as fuck.
My fingers are numb as I slide my phone from my pocket. I make the call, and speak the words, but it’s as if it’s all happening to someone else.
Gabriel lays Cass on the floor and starts doing CPR. When he presses his mouth to Cass’s, something inside me snaps.
“Don’t!” I snarl, falling to my knees beside Cass’s limp body. I shove Gabriel away, dimly aware that I’m doing this all wrong, so fucking wrong, but I can’t stop.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
I close my mouth over Cass’s and breathe into him, feeling his chest rise under my palm.
Once. Twice.
Start compressions.
Ten.
Twenty.
Thirty.
Gabriel sits back on his heels. His phone is out. He’s talking to someone, but fuck knows who.
It’s all over.
He knows.
And I don’t give a fuck because I’m losing Cass.
Already lost him.
Fuck.
Fuck!
“Stay with me,” I yell before breathing into his mouth again. Once, twice. “Stay the fuck with me!”
My ears whine like a buzzsaw. Cass’s chest feels too spongy under my stacked palms, like I’m pushing down on a mattress and not my brother’s chest. I will the force of every push to draw air back into his lungs, to massage his heart, to do whatever the fuck it was CPR is supposed to.
“Breathe!” I yell.
Gabriel’s hand comes into view. For a sickening moment I think he’s going to pull me away, to tell me I have to stop, that Cass is already dead. But instead he simply grabs the edge of Cass’s t-shirt and draws it down his stomach.
Covering the countless cigarette burns scattered over his skin.
Marks I made.
Pain I inflicted.
My cheeks are wet, and I know I shouldn’t be crying for some random student in front of Gabriel, but fuck knows how I’m supposed to stop.
I’m sorry.
I’m so fucking sorry.
I wish I could take back every nasty word I ever said to you, every fucked up thought, everything.
Every-fucking-thing.
“Zachary.”
I’m staring at my meshed fingers as I shove down Cass’s ribs. Twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven—
“Zachary!”
I look up Gabriel, my face twisted with rage, with pain, with defeat. His eyes narrow, and his mouth thins into a stern line. “Stop.”
“Fuck you,” I growl out.
Gabriel’s eyes dart up to his hairline. “Brother Zachary—” he says, reaching for me.
“Fuck, stop,” someone croaks. A hand slaps weakly at my wrist. “Stop!”
I sit back and end up falling the last few inches onto my ass. Cass rolls onto his side, wheezing and gagging like I’d stuck my fingers down his throat. He puts a hand on his chest where I’d been doing the compressions and moans like a gutted pig.
“I heard something give,” Gabriel says quietly. “You might have cracked a rib.”
Jesus fucking Christ.
I scramble up, whipping my hands through my hair. The skin of my face is cold, tingling, two sizes too small. “I’m sorry,” I hear someone say. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Go wait outside, child,” Gabriel says.
Blood whines as it races through my veins. “Cass—Cassius, I’m so sorry.”
“Zachary!”
My eyes dart back to Gabriel. His face is pale, his mouth a hard, trembling line. He points at the door. “You’ve done enough. Go and wait outside.”
It feels like I’m dragging my legs through concrete to get to the door.
I’m barely outside a moment before I hear running feet. Brother Timothy shoves me aside when I don’t move, and falls down beside Cass, a paramedic’s jump bag dropping to the floor by his knees.
“Cassius, can you hear me?” Timothy demands, grabbing Cass’s shoulders and shaking him.
“Yes, fuck. Stop that, would you? It hurts. God.”
I step back further and further, until I can’t hear Cass’s voice.
I broke him.
I brought him back, but then I broke him.
The fuck is wrong with me?
My shaking hands curl into fists as I turn and force myself to walk away. There’s nothing more for me to do here.
Like Gabriel said, I’ve done enough.
I’ve done enough.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Trinity
A green light starts blinking on the device. I should take it out and shut down the laptop so I can put it back under the bed, but I can’t. I’m frozen to the spot—faced with an email my brain doesn’t seem capable of processing.
Dearest Gabe,
I wish you had never left Redmond.
I know it’s been months since we last spoke, and it seems I only ever contact you when I need something, but I truly hope you understand my reasons.
I know you are busy at the school, and you made it very clear that I shouldn’t contact you again…but Keith needs your help.
We need your help.
Things have progressed to a stage where I’m not sure I can keep this marriage together any longer.
My intention is not to guilt you into replying. I understand that there’s a chance you might not even see this email. But I hope you do.
You’ve saved my marriage countless times before. I hesitate to ask, but can you save it again?
Can you bring us back to God’s glorious light?
We need you, Gabe.
Keith most of all.
Please.
Monica.
The fire pops, breaking me from my trance. I whirl around to look at the clock. Quarter past eight.
I press the laptop’s power button. It starts shutting down as I yank out the drive and hike up my skirt to slip it behind my underwear again.
A noise reaches me from the passageway outside Gabriel’s room. So faint, it could have been my imagination, but I’m not taking any chances. Whether the drive had enough time to copy everything it needed, I don’t know.
I slam closed the lid and pull out the cable, shoving the laptop back in the bag before winding up the cord as I trace it back to the power outlet.
Was that a door opening?
My heart knocks against my breast bone. I’m seconds away from puking with nerves.
I break off the tip of my nail when I pull out the power cord. I kick the side of the nightstand, shoving it back against the wall with my foot.
Tossing everything in the bag, I zip it up and crawl under the bed.