‘Alice went too.’ My voice is tight and I can feel my breathing deepen. Alice went too and no one thought to tell me!
‘So did your mum,’ says Luke. He gives me the eyes, which are clearly saying keep your shit together.
‘But you hate the Sea Life Centre,’ I say, turning to Mum. ‘You always say it’s too dark and dingy, that it makes you feel claustrophobic.’
‘I didn’t actually go into the centre myself,’ says Mum. ‘I let Alice and Luke take the girls in. I had a coffee in one of the tearooms across the road. They do lovely scones in there.’
’Here’s a picture of a shark,’ says Hannah. I can see her look uncertainly from me to Luke and I’m aware that she has picked up on the change in atmosphere. I wonder if Mum has too or whether she’s purposefully ignoring it and rattling on about how nice the sodding scone was, to defuse the situation, but all I can think of is Luke and Alice playing happy families, Alice taking my place and Luke seemingly content for her to do so.
‘You don’t mind do you, Clare?’ says Alice. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’
‘Will you stop asking me if I mind and stop apologising?’ I push my chair back, astonishing myself at my little outburst as much as I seem to have taken everyone else by surprise.
‘Clare! What’s got into you?’ says Mum, her voice taking on the tone she would use to one of the children when they might have forgotten to say please or thank you, or like the time Hannah said ‘shit’ once when she dropped a glass of water on the kitchen floor. Her tone that says she is particularly shocked; that’s the one I’m getting now.
I rest my hands on the table and close my eyes for a moment. This is all getting out of hand. I’m getting out of hand. I open my eyes and smile at my family. ‘Sorry. I’m sorry, everyone. Alice, please, I didn’t mean to snap like that.’
‘Hey, it’s okay,’ says Alice. She exchanges a sympathetic look with Luke, which causes me to take a deep breath to stop my jealousy once again rising to the surface uncontrolled.
‘I’ve had a tough day,’ I say, by way of an explanation. It’s a pretty poor one, but it’s the truth. ‘I’ll go and freshen up, I think. Get out of these work clothes and then I’ll be able to relax properly.’ I notice Luke hasn’t said anything. I meet his gaze and he raises his eyebrows, giving a tiny shake of his head. He has the look of exasperation. I know my husband well enough to realise I’ve upset him properly now. Luke is very easy-going; it takes a lot for him to get cross. I think I may have just pushed him over that line.
When I go back down, Luke has disappeared into his studio; a sure sign he’s pissed off with me. I find the girls in the living room, sitting on the sofa with Alice. Chloe is one side of her and Hannah the other. I make a Herculean effort to ignore the bubble of jealousy that stirs once again. ‘What are we watching?’ I say, sitting down on the chair next to the sofa. Chloe mumbles a reply but doesn’t take her eyes from the screen.
Something makes me look over at the photographs on the sideboard. Straight away, I notice the glass in my wedding photograph is cracked.
‘Oh, no! How did that happen?’ I jump up out of my seat. I inspect the shattered glass. There’s an impact spot right in the middle and the glass has cracked like a spider’s web all around it.
‘What’s up?’ asks Alice. She comes over and looks at the picture. ‘Oh, Clare, that’s your wedding photo.’
‘Do you know how it happened?’ I look accusingly at Alice and then around at the girls. ‘Hannah. Chloe. Do you know anything about this?’
‘Picture broken. Poor picture’ says Chloe and turns back to her programme.
Hannah keeps her eyes firmly fixed on the TV. ‘Hannah, did you hear me?’ When she looks up, I’m not sure what I see. Is it fear? Or is it guilt? ‘Do you know how this picture got broken?’ She shakes her head. I go over to her. ‘Look, I’m not cross about the glass getting broken, it’s the fact that no one is owning up. If you tell me the truth, it can all be forgotten about.’
‘I didn’t do it,’ says Hannah.
‘Who did? Was it Chloe?’ I press. Hannah sticks out her bottom lip and shakes her head. ‘Well, someone knows what’s happened.’ I leave the room to get rid of the glass in the bin.
Mum is in the kitchen washing up. ‘Oh, dear, what a shame,’ she says when I show her. ‘You can easily get another piece of glass, though. Don’t get yourself upset about it.’
‘That’s not the point,’ I say. ‘I just wish someone had told me.’
‘Actually, I didn’t want to say anything in front of the girls, but …’
I look around as Alice comes into the room. ‘But what?’ I say.
‘The girls were already in the living room when I went in and Hannah was over by the photographs,’ says Alice, then adds quickly. ‘I’m not saying she did it, but she did look, well, you know, kinda guilty.’
‘Okay, thanks,’ I say, although I don’t really mean it. I’m embarrassed that Hannah may have lied to me. I look down at the photograph, now removed from the frame. It has an indent and a crease from whatever pressure was applied. I can’t help but feel it might not have been an accident.
Chapter 13
Later that evening, when I put Hannah to bed, she’s still a little subdued.
‘Shall we look at the other photographs now?’ I ask, waving the camera that I had picked up from the kitchen.
‘If you want.’ She may be in her cute kitty pyjamas and her hair brushed, her skin all clean and her teeth sparkly, looking every inch the seven years she is, but she has an attitude of a grumpy teenager. It’s not that she’s being rude or bad-tempered, but she’s treating me with an indifference, as if she’s just putting up with me.
I sit beside her on the bed and switch on the camera, reminding myself not to react adversely to any of the pictures with Luke and Alice in them. I begin to scroll through, asking Hannah questions about each photo and, little by little, the tension eases from her and she talks more enthusiastically the further through the collection we go. Oddly, I don’t come across the picture of Luke and Alice in the Sea Life Centre. I was sure it was one of the first ones when Hannah showed me earlier. I don’t voice my surprise – I don’t want to spoil Hannah’s now-upbeat mood.
When we come to the end of the shots, I’m glad I took the time to sit and look through them with her. Luke had warned me there were a lot, but I honestly don’t mind as it’s lifted Hannah’s mood.
I pull the duvet up to her chin and give her a kiss on the forehead. ‘Goodnight, darling,’ I say. ‘I love you very much. You do know that, don’t you?’
She smiles. ‘I love you to the moon and back.’
‘To the moon and back and back again,’ I say.
‘To the moon and back and back and back again,’ replies Hannah. I smile and give her a cuddle.
‘Now, go to sleep. You have school in the morning.’
I flick the light off and am about to close the door when Hannah speaks. ‘I didn’t break the photo frame,’ she says. Her little voice comes through crystal clear in the darkness.