But even though people from home would be surprised by who I was at camp, they wouldn’t be able to point to a lie of it. There was no lie. It was just me being who I was, in those circumstances, with that best friend, who saw me as I most wanted to be and therefore allowed me to be that version of myself. It wasn’t planned. It just was, in large part thanks to you.
You also had a version of yourself you wanted to be last summer. You had several versions.
Each of them felt purely you, at least to me. But I understood the performance. To people who didn’t see and know the real you, the different versions seem full of contradictions. There are inconsistencies. Lies. And that’s what’s causing all this trouble now.
I’m the only one who saw your full truth. I still see it. I’m trying to keep holding it tight.
But truth can be slippery. Hard to look at straight-on. It’s too open to interpretations and viewpoints.
Lies are more solid. Sometimes they feel more real.
Quick diversion, because it just popped into my head and I know you miss my randomness: Remember the night we played Truth or Truth? (Jackson complained about no dares, but you were right—truths are the good part.)
It was my turn to ask a question and I lobbed you an easy one: “If you could have any superpower, what would you choose?”
“Telekinesis,” you answered immediately. “If I could move things with my mind, I wouldn’t have to get off the couch to get snacks when I’m feeling lazy.”
“And you could freak people out by making shit fly around the room. Think how great that would be in, like, gym class,” Jackson said.
You barely glanced at him. “Yeah, I’d probably just use it for snacks.”
You’d been kind of snippy with Jackson all evening, but he hadn’t appeared to notice, which only made it worse. You two were “just friends” again due to an episode of guilt over Meghan that had hit Jackson hard that afternoon. I wasn’t holding my breath that it would last.
You turned to Nitin. “Truth or truth?”
He grinned. “Truth.”
“What’s something nobody else at camp knows about you?”
Nitin shifted his weight. I wondered how you would answer the same question. “Well . . . no one knows it’s my birthday,” he said.
“What? Today?” I said. You and Jackson looked equally surprised.
“Yeah. As of midnight.” It must have been around one a.m.
You swatted his knee. “You didn’t tell us!”
Nitin shrugged, kind of cutely. “Actually, I just did.”
You snort-laughed. “Did you just ‘Well, actually’ me?” He shrugged again. I hadn’t realized he had this impish side. You shook your head and nudged him, almost flirting. “It’s your birthday, so we’ll let it slide.”
“Are you sixteen or seventeen?” I asked.
It was dark, but I sensed his blush. “Fifteen,” he admitted. He lowered those ridiculously long lashes.
Jackson leaned in. “No way. You’re younger than us?”
“Only by a year,” he mumbled.
Jackson started to say something, but you cut him off. “Nitin’s an old soul. Fifteen going on forty.” You leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Happy birthday,” you said. He was practically glowing.
“Old soul,” Jackson muttered, sour. You’d finally captured his attention. “What does that make me?”
You rolled your eyes. “You’re an ass-soul. Obviously.”
He smirked and I felt the heat switch back on between you. You’d be sucking face again by morning, I was sure.
“What am I?” I asked, hoping to pull you back to me.
You looked straight at me, your gaze a flare of starlight. “You’re perfect. Never change.”
But you’d already changed me.
Part of what I’m struggling with since the end of camp is that I feel like I lost not only you, but also the person I was with you. Camp Me. Randy. The best me. I wonder sometimes if I even was her, or if she’s just a story you invented, brought to life. Because really, is there a me who could ever be that daring, bold, and brave without you? Now that you’re gone, I’m nowhere near as funny or interesting.
Dr. Rita says I’m still plenty interesting (she has to; we’re paying her) and the way I’m feeling makes sense: that a big part of who I was this summer was your best friend, and the loss of a defining friendship like ours (even under less traumatic circumstances) can leave one feeling adrift. It “can shake the foundation of who you are,” which is why, she says, it’s a risk to attach yourself to someone else. When someone you were leaning on steps or falls away, it’s a struggle to regain your balance and relearn how to stand on your own. But that doesn’t mean the person I was with you is lost completely.
Dr. Rita says she hopes that as I find stability within myself and continue to heal, I’ll come to view the risks of leaning on someone again as ultimately worth it. That part of our work together is rebuilding my ability to trust, though that trust has been deeply betrayed.
I don’t like to think of you as betraying me.
What happened between you and Jackson happened between you and Jackson. It had nothing to do with me. And yet . . . you let me down. I can admit that. Even if your worst crime was just being thoughtless, it still hurt me.
Dr. Rita says phrasing it that way to myself is real progress.
Woo-fucking-hoo.
Okay but here is a thing I keep spinning on: If you told me a string of tiny lies and I believed them . . . does that make our friendship untrue? What if they were lies you were telling yourself too?
I think you wanted to deceive yourself about Jackson, and to do that, you had to deceive me too. You didn’t mean to hurt me. I was a casualty of your war with yourself. But that doesn’t make my wounds less deep.
I think I still know you despite those lies. Maybe I know you better because of them.
But it depends on this: What else did you lie to me about? And why?
Love,
Kayla
October 22
Channel 5 News
“Jury selection began today in the second-degree murder case of Elaine Baxter, the alleged ‘Summer Camp Slayer,’ who is charged with the death of her on-again, off-again summer-camp sweetheart, Jackson Winter, whose body was found by a camp counselor in Jaspertown Lake on the shores of Camp Cavanick property in August. The jury selection process is expected to move swiftly, with opening statements set for November second, according to defense attorney Michael Desir, who gave a brief interview outside the courthouse this afternoon.
“Desir praised Judge Candice Rodriguez’s decision not to allow news cameras inside the courtroom, saying Miss Baxter, who has entered a plea of not guilty, ‘deserves a fair and impartial trial, not a media circus,’ in which she will have the chance to prove ‘once and for all her complete and total innocence’ and ‘finally be able to put this outrageous allegation behind her and fully mourn the tragic loss of Jackson Winter, who was her close friend.’”
“This story is doubly tragic for the two teenage lives being destroyed by it. Lainie Baxter is a sixteen-year-old girl guilty only of falling in love, and she is as devastated by Jackson Winter’s death as she is innocent of it.”