Clicking around last night, I read a think piece you would love about how the world can’t handle girls being bloody, unless the blood we shed is our own—once a month, or in childbirth, and keep that mess to yourself, please.
God, can you imagine if cis men cramped and bled every month? We would celebrate them with trophies and see it as a sign of their power. The jerkiest dudes would wear thin white pants and bleed through them on purpose, just to show off how tough they can be.
(Yes, I’m on the rag right now and bitter about it.)
I wonder if it’s true that women are less violent. Maybe we’re just smarter. I wonder how often women kill and don’t get caught.
(I love that expression, though. On the rag. I love the dry, droll way you’d say it, like someone’s chain-smoking grandma with four cats on your lap and no fucks left to give about anything.)
Anyway.
Blah blah blah.
I’m going to see if Adele will let me take one of her Ambiens. I’m sick of my brain and I want it to shut up and sleep.
Love,
Kayla
November 9
Channel 13 News
“Testimony continued today in this second week of the second-degree murder trial of teenager Elaine Baxter, who, as most of our viewers are aware by now, is accused of killing her summer-camp boyfriend, Jackson Winter, in August. Our reporter James Hsu is outside the Maplewash County Courthouse with updates. James, what can you tell us about what happened inside that courtroom today?”
“Thank you, Nina. Today jurors had another grueling day of hearing graphic testimony from local coroner Isabella O’Meara, who told the court on Friday about the blows Jackson Winter suffered to the head, which, she testified, in her opinion, were sustained before his body entered the water. Prosecutors entered into evidence last week several charts, photographs, and reports detailing the angles and extent of the two blows that the coroner’s office ruled contributed significantly to Winter’s subsequent death by drowning.
“In a lengthy cross-examination today, Baxter’s lawyer, Michael Desir, seemingly tried to cast doubt on the coroner’s level of expertise, asking a long string of questions about her medical experience before she became a county coroner, and how many cases of suspicious or violent death she has encountered in her years working as coroner in this sparsely populated rural area, which does not employ a full-time forensic pathologist or medical examiner. The answer boiled down to: not many.
“O’Meara remained cool on the witness stand and stayed firm in her testimony that in order for the blows to be self-inflicted, Winter would have had to, quote, ‘dive in, hit the back of his head on a rock, then climb out and dive in to hit it again. Or, hit two perfectly positioned rocks, which investigators have not found to exist in that area of the lake,’ end quote.
“Baxter’s lawyer pressed, ‘But he could have?’ to which the coroner replied, ‘That’s extremely unlikely, but I suppose it could be technically possible under just the right circumstances, sure.’
“In redirect, the prosecutor sought to emphasize the unlikeliness of that possibility, asking, ‘Is there any doubt in your mind that Jackson Winter received those two forceful blows to the head before his body entered the water?’ to which the witness said simply, ‘No.’ ‘Could there be doubt about that fact in anybody’s mind?’ the prosecutor pressed, and the witness replied, ‘There shouldn’t be.’
“It remains to be seen whether jurors found today’s line of questioning from Baxter’s defense attorney to seem credible, or merely desperate.”
“Thank you, James.”
“You’re welcome, Nina.”
November 9, 8:11 p.m.
hey
hey
what are you up to
not much
homework and stuff
cool
listen,
I know we don’t really talk abt what happened last summer or what’s going on with your friend
but I wanted to say
I’m here if you ever need someone
to listen or whatever
or to distract you from what’s happening
if you don’t want to talk about it
that’s cool too
whatever you need, I’m here
just wanted to say that
I hope I didn’t make things weird bringing it up
sorry if I did
no, it’s fine
thanks
that means a lot
really
I’m good for now but I’ll let you know if I need to talk
ok cool
see you at lunch?
yup, see you then
Camper and Counselor Interviews, Statements, and Posts
August 14–November 24
“The night of the big rainstorm, we were in the mess hall, playing charades in groups of ten. Jackson wasn’t on our team at first, but he switched with someone so he could be with Lainie. Anyway. When his turn came, the phrase we had to guess was ‘one brick at a time’ and at first he was pantomiming the work of a bricklayer, but no one got it, so he made the ‘sounds like’ symbol for the second word, and started pointing to his crotch and miming like he was jerking off. Half the group was laughing too hard to guess and the rest of us were trying not to barf, and then time ran out and we didn’t get it. Jackson threw his hands up and yelled ‘Brick! Sounds like dick!’ and shook his head like he was annoyed we were all so stupid. He was being a jerk. Lainie stood behind him and acted out picking up one of the invisible bricks he’d been building a wall with before, and hitting him over the head with it. Everyone cheered and she took a bow, and Jackson was grumpy like I thought maybe he might storm off, but he lifted her up and swung her around and she kicked and they both started laughing. It was Lainie’s turn next and she had ‘three peas in a pod’ and Kayla guessed it right away and I forgot about the brick thing until now but it’s weird, right? Like, a little too on point.”
“The psycho-girlfriend-in-a-jealous-rage thing is like something from one of those movies my sister loves to watch. I always thought those plots were such bullshit. Like, does love really mess with people’s heads so bad they decide they have to kill someone they can’t have? I guess it happens, but I don’t get it. Especially when you’re our age. Just cry for a week and burn all their stuff, and move on and get over it. Don’t murder them and ruin both your lives forever. I mean, yeesh. Who does that?”
“I’m still just really surprised. In the days before the murder, if that’s what it was, Jackson and Lainie seemed extra lovey-dovey and good. No bickering or breakups and stuff like before. I’d heard they were actually planning to stay together after camp—that Jackson broke up with the girl from home or was going to, and they’d decided to give long-distance a shot. I was glad for them. They seemed in love.
“My friend heard that wasn’t true, that they weren’t planning on staying together, just making the most of the time they had left. But either way, it didn’t seem like there was trouble. They seemed really happy and tight.
“I never in a million years would have believed something like this might happen to them.”
“The last week of camp is so weird. This was my fourth year and it’s always like that. Just . . . weird. Extra intense. There’s like this whole sense of doom hanging over everything because you’re hyperaware every second that something you love is about to die.