We shook.
‘I’m Corinna. That’s my bakery on the corner. I hadn’t noticed your shop.’
‘We just moved in,’ said Marie, taking her friend’s hand affectionately.
‘Music?’ I looked around, taking in scores and discs and books and a cheerful jumble of things which would be hours of fun to sort through.
‘That’s the name,’ said Kate, pointing.
I looked up. A newly painted sign bore the blazon HEARD IT BEFORE.
‘Lovely,’ I said. ‘And these poor darlings?’
‘They’ll be all right as long as I remember to keep the door closed,’ said Marie. ‘Let me introduce Allegro and Biscuit.’
The dogs had calmed down in the absence of Heckle, and each licked my hand politely, though that might have been the remaining traces of flour.
‘I let the Mouse Police out every morning at six,’ I said. ‘They’re usually back as soon as they run out of tuna. I’m so sorry. Can I offer you something by way of apology? A loaf of bread, perhaps?’
‘That sounds fair,’ said Kate, grinning.
‘Right, then, I’m still baking, but come along later and you shall have whatever you like. Even some of Jason’s muffins.’
‘Did he make the astounding one I bought yesterday that tasted like Turkish delight?’ asked Marie.
‘He’s a master when it comes to muffins,’ I agreed.
As I left, I heard Marie say, ‘Now, if we let them out every morning at six, we’ll be in muffins for life.’
I smiled to myself. They were charming and I was delighted to meet them. I hoped their shop did well.
The day was looking up. I returned to Earthly Delights to take the sourdough rolls out of the oven before they scorched. Heckle returned, shoving Jekyll with his shoulder in an ‘I showed them who is the dominant mammal in this lane, me hearties’ piratical manner which I found extremely funny.
Jason and I completed the baking, and I sent him to the Pandamus family’s Cafe Delicious for their trucker’s special breakfast. I suspect they keep adding extra bacon and hash browns and toast and so on to see just how much Jason can eat before he literally explodes. They haven’t managed to daunt him yet. He has years of abuse, heroin addiction and related malnutrition to assuage. Also, he has just discovered a cable TV program called Man v. Food. The champion eater is his new role model. I preferred it when he wanted to be Marvel’s Thor.
Jason returned, replete for the present, and we loaded the rest of the bread into the ovens. I was just peacefully arranging shop bread into racks when Goss ran in (I think it was Goss, she was too overwrought to announce herself), screaming, ‘Del’s gonna kill Taz!’
I don’t know what she thought I could do about it, but I dutifully ran to the second battle of the day, telling Goss to bring her phone in case we had to summon help. A silly thing to say. She would naturally bring her phone and film anything exciting. It would be going viral on YouTube before lunch – assuming we got to lunch, at this rate.
When I arrived at the cafe, I found the situation adequately exciting. Del Pandamus, who was one of those stocky middle-aged peasant men who can, if the need arises, haul a tractor out of a ditch or prop up a fallen horse all by themselves, was holding Taz – one of the nerds collectively known as the Lone Gunmen – up against the wall by his throat. He didn’t look like letting him down any time soon.
Taz was turning an interesting shade of purple. I like Del. I didn’t want him to go to jail for nerdicide. I stepped up and enquired as to the bone of contention.
Del shouted that the little malakas had sent rude pictures to the Kyria. That was beyond unlikely, the nerds being acquainted with sex only in theory and probably really happy with their Black Widow blow-up doll. So I poked Del under the armpit and said, ‘Put him down! Now!’ in my firmest voice. Del did. Jason calls it my captain’s voice. Works on dogs, too, though never on cats.
‘Taz, are you all right?’ I asked.
I let him lean on my shoulder while he fought to get some breath back. When he could speak he gasped, ‘No, no, it wasn’t us! Really! No!’
‘All right, it wasn’t you, I believe you,’ I assured him. ‘Del? What’s this about?’
‘This little wanker, he fix my accounts for me!’ shouted Del. All Greek arguments must, by law, be conducted at the highest possible volume. ‘He sneak something into the machine, and when the Kyria log on, she saw … she …’ He made a broad, Promethean gesture of horror and despair.
‘All right,’ I said, ‘this is clearly some sort of glitch. Taz and I will look at the computer, Taz will fix it, and no one needs to die today; it’s already far too wearing for a Tuesday.’ Then I added,
‘Del, you have customers,’ which is the only thing guaranteed to divert a Greek patron from homicide.
Loudly calling on St George to defend his honest house, Del rushed into the cafe.
‘It was just a real simple accounting program,’ said Taz hoarsely. ‘Shouldn’t have thrown up any pictures at all.’
‘Come on, let’s have a look. Goss, can you open the shop? Show’s over. You can show me the vid later.’
‘Okay,’ said Goss – I had guessed right – and I escorted a quivering Taz into the little office at the back of the cafe, picking up a can of Diet Coke for him as I went. Nerds run on caffeine, as do bakers, just via a different delivery system.
There sat Kyria Anastasia, a pillar of black salt in the office chair. The screen showed a complicated writhing, spurting, moaning mass of bodies, limbs everywhere, mouths, hands, both sorts of genitalia … no wonder Del had gone up like a rocket. Actually, I would have liked to inspect it further, if only to work out who was doing what to whom, because they sounded like they were really enjoying it, but now was no time for amusement.
‘It wasn’t him,’ I told the old lady. ‘Come and have a strengthening ouzo and a sit-down, Kyria.’
She yielded the chair to Taz and allowed me to escort her into the family room, where she pointed out the ouzo and the fridge. I poured her a good dollop and we watched it turn pearly as the ice melted. This reminded me irresistibly of certain biological substances in which the video had been liberally doused. I bit my lip and poured myself a small tot. The Kyria took the glass, winking at me as she took a healthy swig. Then we both broke down and started giggling. Old ladies aren’t all that easy to shock, generally.
‘Harvest festival,’ said the Kyria nostalgically. ‘Those were good days.’
I drained my glass and bade her sit for a moment, to preserve her fiction of being shocked, then went back to the office. Taz, cola-fuelled, was attacking the keyboard with fingers that moved faster than sound.
‘Anything?’ I asked. ‘I have to get back to the bakery soon.’
‘Can’t nail it down,’ muttered Taz. ‘I’ll have to get onto my own system. They’re good, whoever they are. I expect we’ll find some ransomware; but I can fix it. Er, thanks, Corinna. Saved my life.’
‘Any time,’ I told him. I ought to return to Earthly Delights, I knew. But Jason could look after things without me for a while. Instead, why should I not spend a little longer here, relaxing while others worked?