“Accept my reality?” Cliff said. “How many realities are there, Chelle? Our daughter is dead. That’s my reality. My finger is gone! That’s my reality!” Cliff could feel his resolve melting, could feel his strength leaving him. “I killed our daughter—that’s my reality.”
Michelle looked at him. Cliff saw the disgust in her eyes. He deserved that. He deserved worse than that. He could hardly live with himself. But he wanted, needed, to move beyond the blame, the guilt, the revulsion he saw on her face.
“Just stop, Cliff,” Michelle said, walking toward the bathroom.
“Please talk to me, Michelle. Don’t walk away.”
“What, Cliff? I tell you what happened to me, and you hand me a fucking pill! I don’t need a pill—I need answers!”
“Answers to what, Michelle? This is maddening! I want . . . I want . . .”
“You want? I don’t care what you want, Cliff. It’s always about what you want.”
“I want our life back,” Cliff said. “I want us back.” Cliff couldn’t take any more of the mental push and pull. He waited for her to come back in the room. He hadn’t noticed till just now that he was shaking. He tried a deep breath, but it came up short.
“Michelle,” Cliff said. She ignored him. “Michelle, how did you get to the Ruby Motel? You didn’t have Darcy’s—”
“What does that matter, Cliff?”
“I don’t know. I just want to talk.”
“Okay, let’s talk,” she said. “I came back to Ardenwood to talk to Pink Souder. He’s a real estate agent, but more than that, he’s the man who actually built this cabin and lived here for a while.”
“That the guy with the big pink billboard on the highway?” Cliff asked.
“Yes, that’s the one.”
“Why? I’m very confused, Michelle. Do you want to sell the cabin? I get that, but can’t we talk about it—”
“It’s not about selling the fucking cabin. It’s about Pink Souder . . . some stories Sheriff Fisk told me when I met him the first time . . .”
Now Cliff was really baffled. “You only met him once . . . when you got lost that night, but . . . you never really talked with him. You were really out of it that—”
“Cliff! You have to let me finish. Jesus.”
Cliff sat back, hurt by her admonishment, exhausted from this unrelenting onslaught of lunacy.
“I met up with Pink today and told him I had a property to list, which was a lie, but I needed to talk to him. It was a crazy day. Some friend of his mother’s died and we took care of that, then when we came up here to the cabin . . . but, you were here and I didn’t want to stop . . .”
“So that’s how you knew I was here . . .” Cliff said.
“Yeah, so we drove on and later, when we got into town, there were all those police cars in front of Pink’s office, where you had the accident, but of course I didn’t know it at the time. I figured you called the police on me and—”
“But I didn’t. I told you what happened.”
“Yes, I know that now.” Michelle took a deep breath. “Anyway, I needed time to figure things out, so I had Pink drive me to a motel. The Ruby. Where you found me. I wasn’t doing so well, I hadn’t eaten all day, so Pink offered to take me to dinner. And at this place called the Hilltop or something, one of Pink’s friends asked me to dance and for a few minutes I felt like a human being again. I ate dinner and even tried moonshine whiskey. And then . . .”
Cliff was perplexed, trying to make sense of what she was saying. “Are you having an affair with this Pink character?” he said. “Is that what this is all about? Is that where you were the night you went missing? With him? Jesus, Michelle. What the fuck?”
“Hold your horses, pal! You’re not turning this around on me. Just fucking listen to what I’m saying. You said you wanted to have a talk . . . Well, we’re having it.”
“What do you want with this guy? I don’t get it, Michelle. This is fucking bizarre. Is this some kind of fucked-up payback for Glenda? Jesus, how long do I have to pay for that?”
“You son of a bitch!” Michelle screamed, then broke down crying.
Cliff sighed and touched her arm. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take, the manic swings, the outbursts, the delusions. She needed help, he knew that, but she refused to get it. And on some level, he knew it was all his fault. He was losing her. “What’s wrong?” he said, trying to soften his tone. “What’s this really all about?”
“Cassie, Cliff! It’s about Cassie! Why won’t you believe I spoke with her just last week? Why can’t you make room for that possibility, Cliff? Why can’t you believe she’s alive? Are you glad she’s dead or something? Is that why you never wanted more children? Don’t you have room in your heart even for Cassie anymore?”
The anger surged like a volcano, volatile and explosive. “Christ, Michelle! Just shut up about all this nonsense! This is just fucking crazy! I wish you could hear yourself? You sound insane!”
His statement ricocheted back in his head. He felt horrible he’d told her to shut up. That he told her she sounded insane. Michelle sat upright, then stood and was walking away when she turned back.
“You, Cliff . . . you killed everything in our life that mattered—our love, my trust . . . and I guess our daughter, the way you tell it. What’s left, Cliff? What’s left to kill?”
Cliff had to leave the room. He walked outside, tried to focus on the snow, the trees, attempting to wash away his grief. It was all falling apart. It would never fit back together again. It would never be how it was. All because of him. Why did he ever get involved with Glenda? Remembering Cassie pushed so hard into his chest he couldn’t breathe. He sat on the deck boards, slumped over and started crying.
After a while, Cliff felt chilled and went back in to find Michelle asleep on the couch, half-sitting, slumped to the side. The bottle of Xanax sat on the coffee table. For a quick moment he thought she might have taken the whole bottle. But that wasn’t Michelle. She’d never do that. He inspected the container just in case.
He carried her to bed, undressed her, and then pulled the comforter over her shoulders. She slept better with her shoulders covered. She hadn’t moved since. Cliff felt it was too late for phone calls, even though Darcy had told him to contact her as soon as he had news about Michelle.
Out of habit, Cliff tried to use his cell phone first, but there was no signal, so he dialed on the landline phone. Darcy picked up. She sounded groggy.