‘I’ve been thinking about it all so much lately. Jemima, Gemma, you and me. Our weirdly dysfunctional family. I mean that is what we are, aren’t we?’
Maddie chuckled. ‘Yes, I suppose we are.’
He peered at her in the semi-darkness. ‘What I’ve been thinking is… I rewrote my will last week, made sure there were provisions in it for Jemima and… I did something that you should know about.’ He paused again and Maddie shifted impatiently on his arm, which now felt like it was digging into her side. ‘What would you say to being Jemima’s legal guardian? I mean if something happens to me and Gemma?’
This was not what Maddie was expecting.
‘Um… well, what would Gemma think about that?’
‘I don’t think she would go for it, to be honest. But if it comes to it, she wouldn’t know a thing about it.’
‘Right. It’s the kind of thing you should discuss with her though.’ Typical of Greg, burying his head and hoping it would go away.
‘I know, I will. But I wanted to tell you first. I know it’s a big ask, given everything we’ve been through, but there’s no one I trust more than you with Jemima. You are a natural mother. I know she’d be safe with you and that you would raise her like your own.’
Maddie felt a warm glow spread up from her toes, through her stomach and into her heart.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ she replied.
‘That’s fine. Think it over. We’ve got time. I don’t plan on dying any time soon.’ He chuckled.
‘No, I mean, I don’t need to think it over. Yes, I’ll do it.’
‘Really? You’re sure? I know it’s unorthodox of me to ask my ex-wife—’
‘Current wife, thank you very much.’
‘Oh, yes, we really need to do something about that, don’t we?’
It was Maddie’s turn to chuckle. ‘Yes, we do before Gemma finds out you’re not actually divorced yet. She’ll be wanting a big white wedding once she’s lost the baby weight.’
Greg looked at her in mock horror. ‘Meow, Mrs Lowe! Well, at least I’m not having another affair this time.’
Maddie giggled. ‘Seriously though, I know me and you are over. I wish we weren’t, but it is what it is and I’d like us to stay friends. I’d like to be a part of Jemima’s life if I can and it would be an honour to be her legal guardian. Not that I’m wishing anything bad on you two, of course! But watch your back. That’s all I’m saying.’
Greg guffawed. ‘Ooh, so dangerous. I love it!’ Then he kissed her again. ‘In that case, Mrs Lowe, if this is the last time we are going to do this, let’s do it properly…’
15
Maddie’s phoned chirped, pulling her from a fitful sleep. She was lying on the couch under her duvet, the lounge curtains closed to the midday light, trying to block out everyone and everything.
It was another Snapchat from Jade.
She pulled the message slightly to the left and read:
Halloween. Mark loves it and with so many people around in masks and costumes, you can get right up to his door. Perfect opportunity.
Maddie let go and the message pinged back as though she hadn’t read it.
The last week was a blur. At least she had thought it was a week, but then she also suspected she’d lost a few days in between, because it was apparently Halloween tomorrow.
That meant today was Wednesday and Greg had been dead for ten days. Where had that time gone? She’d stayed indoors, buried away, like the old days, feeling that numbness blanket her like bubble wrap, cushioning her, protecting her. She had had no concept of passing time.
Jade had been peppering her with Snapchat messages, threats, notes under the door – anything to get her to respond, to get her to admit she had a plan. But Maddie had ignored it all, not let any of it pierce the thick outer skin of depression she had wrapped herself in.
This all felt familiar. She had come full circle. Just when she thought she could see a chink of light shining through the heavy clouds after the miscarriages and her separation from Greg, just when she thought she was getting back on her feet, enjoying the flashes of autonomy her new life afforded her, the clouds had gathered again, shutting out that faint ray of light and plunging her into darkness once more. She had gone into survival mode again, functioning on only a basic level while trying not to think too much, not to feel too much. Just like those darkest of days when the most inconsequential of daily tasks had felt like a feat of endurance.
But now Jade was demanding action, commanding Maddie to respond. She’d even told Maddie that she couldn’t see Ben until it was done, using him as a bargaining chip. Over the last few days Maddie had let her mind poke around the edges of what Jade wanted her to do and the numbing quicksand of grief in which she was trapped meant she was less horrified by the idea of the task at hand now.
Maybe it was because she had nothing left to lose. Maybe it was because she had nothing left to care for.
Snapchat pinged again – this time a video. Maddie was intrigued enough to let it play. Jade standing outside Teddington police station. The camera panned down to her feet climbing the steps up to the main doors. Then Jade’s voice saying, ‘Don’t ignore me, Maddie.’
Maddie sat up, a flare of panic making her heart tick faster than it had in days. All along, Maddie had kept saying to herself that Jade wouldn’t go through with her threats, but seeing her in the video was enough to pull Maddie back to the present.
She couldn’t think straight. Even if she was of sound mind right now, how did she go about planning a murder? It was all so callous, ridiculous, unbelievable.
Jade seemed to think Halloween was an opportunity. She had a point – everyone disguising who they were, causing mischief, knocking on doors. But what would she say if she got Mark to open the door? Should she say anything? And what did she intend to do? Kill him? Did she need a weapon?
Was this how you did it? One step at a time when you’re planning a murder, right?
How the hell had she got here?
Back in those days when she had first met Greg, she certainly never thought she’d reach 38 and be childless, widowed, unemployed and contemplating the murder of an innocent man.
It was funny how things worked out. But Maddie wasn’t laughing.
Perhaps the best plan was not to plan at all. Let fate decide how this would play out. Just turn up on his doorstep and see. Or she could do nothing and let the police decide what her future held. There was a calm acceptance of that as an option. A prison cell wasn’t an unwelcome idea at this stage. This was all her fault, after all. She had brought Jade into their lives. She had brought all of this on herself.
She deserved this for what had happened to Greg.
She was faulty, broken, defective.
Yes, she’d been here before. The dull, numbing stillness that followed another shock, another disappointment, another sadness. She could feel herself settling into autopilot, letting her mind take over the logistics while her heart scrambled to repair itself.
Except this time, she didn’t think she would come back from it.
If she went into that cell, she’d never come back out. She thought of Luke suddenly, how genuine he was, quiet and kind. That had potential, if she wanted it to.