I’m not a leader anymore. My time as their protector is over.
I can’t help anybody in my pathetic state.
“I’m scared,” Nina admits. “What if Abi didn’t realize how tough things were going to be until she reunited with her parents? What if the reality of returning became too much? The same thing could happen to me.”
“It won’t.” I swallow over the dryness consuming my throat. “You’re going to get back on your feet. Build a career. Be happy—”
“But she was happy, Penny. How does that disappear in the blink of an eye?”
“I don’t know.” I bite my lip. “We don’t know what went on inside that house.”
“What if this never ends?” Lilly sobs. “What if we’re always going to suffer?”
Silence follows, and I know they’re waiting for a familiar boost of positivity from me. Problem is, I have the same questions. I can’t fake optimism for them anymore.
“Look, I’ve gotta go.” I wrap my arm around my belly and squeeze tight. Speaking to them was a mistake. I can’t help them. And they can’t help me. Not anymore. All this conversation has done is bring more vulnerability. More agonizingly brutal suffering to everyone involved. “If you remember anything call Luca.”
Sarah clears her throat. “Penny, you have your—”
I hold up a hand to silence her. I know what she’s going to say—that I have my own phone. That they can contact me directly if all I’d do is let Luca set up the device he bought me.
I don’t want that. I can’t give my past twenty-four-seven access to me. And if I have the internet constantly within reach I’ll succumb to my pained curiosity. I’ll search for all the names of the sisters I’ve lost. I’ll suffocate under the weight of the lives they left behind.
I’m not strong enough for that.
Despite all this anger, I’m nothing but goddamn weak.
“Goodbye,” I whisper. “I love you.”
“We love y—”
I disconnect, unable to listen, and hand the device to Sarah who looks at me with a mix of disapproval and pity.
“That wasn’t really talking, now, was it?” She pockets the cell. “I told you, you need to let this out with someone. If not them, then Luca.”
“And I’ve told you, he doesn’t need more trouble from me. He’s babysitting out of obligation. I’m only here because there was no alternative… Please, just leave me alone.”
“He cares about you.”
I shake my head, the movement taking too much effort. I’m not even going to argue.
A light tap sounds at the door, and the man of the moment pokes his head into the room, his intense eyes taking in the destruction of the room before settling on me. “Am I interrupting?”
“No. Come in.” Sarah walks toward him. Both of them stop at the foot of the bed to stare at me. “Penny and I were just having a conversation about her coming to live with me for a while. I think it’s for the best.”
“What?” Luca stiffens.
I do the same, completely blindsided.
That was not what we discussed. Yet the denial remains caged in my tightening throat, waiting for his relief to show.
“You’re no longer obligated to look after her,” she continues. “It’s my job now.”
“Obligated?” His eyes harden. “She’s never been a fucking obligation, Sarah. I chose to come back here. With her. If she goes, I go. I’m not leaving her fucking side. Not for a minute.”
My emotions swirl, creating a washing machine of confusion and denial. I don’t want to believe him. I don’t. Yet I crave it, too. Oh, God, how I crave.
Sarah cringes. “Luca, we all know you got dumped with the babysitting job. Let me take over. I’m better equipped to look after a woman. We can have a girls’ retreat at my place.”
“Is that what you want?” His frantic gaze searches mine. “Do you want to leave?”
No. What I want is to make things easier on him. To stop being a nuisance. To take the burden off his shoulders.
“Penny?” He steps closer, his hand reaching out only to fall back to his side. “Do you want to stay with Sarah?”
What I want is to stop being this person that isn’t me. To return to who I was before Luther and Greece and violation. I want peace. Normalcy. And more than anything, I want to be whole.
Sarah meets my gaze from over his shoulder, her lips tweaked in conniving satisfaction. “She’s a hassle you don’t need.”
The truth hurts. But there’s confusion, too.
Sarah is enjoying this, and I don’t know why.
“Shut it,” Luca growls, his eyes softening in my direction. “Tell me the truth, shorty. Do you want to get out of here?”
Sarah’s smirk grows as she winks at me.
Winks. At. Me.
I struggle to understand the taunt. Then, like a light bulb, my awareness switches on to expose the meaning behind her tactics.
She’s created this drama in an attempt to prove me wrong about the burden I’ve placed on his shoulders. She doesn’t want to take me away. She wants me to feel at home.
“Penny?” Luca takes another step.
“I don’t know.” I swallow, wrapping my arms around my middle. “I don’t know what I want.”
The corners of his mouth lift in a sad smile. His head inclines the slightest inch in acknowledgement. Then he turns to Sarah, his height increasing as he straightens. “You did this. You messed with her fucking head. You made her question being here.”
“Me?” She places a hand to her chest, her eyes wide with feigned offense. “Why would I do that?”
“Get the fuck out.” He stalks for the bedroom door, jabbing a finger toward the hall. “And don’t come back. I’ve had enough of your bullshit. Everyone knows I’ll protect her with my life. I’m done trying to prove it.”
Sarah remains in place, her attention on me, one brow raised as if to say, ‘I told you so.’
I guess she did.
I knew Luca would be kind enough to deny wanting me to leave. I never imagined he’d be passionate about me staying. Or furious at anyone attempting to take me away.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” she drawls. “You don’t have to stay under this psycho’s roof.”
“Get. The fuck. Out,” he snarls. “Now.”
She rolls her eyes and gives another wink. “Okay. Okay. I’m leaving.”
9
Luca
I lead Sarah to the front door, waiting until she’s got one foot outside before I slam it on her ass, then lock the deadbolt while she mouths off.
I’m angry. Unjustifiably livid. And entirely fucking blindsided.
One minute, I thought she was helping. The next, she was attempting to steal Penny away.
I lean against the door, my head hung, a pulse ticking beneath my left eye.
Maybe if I hadn’t interrupted when I did, Sarah would’ve been successful. It’s not like she doesn’t have a point about being better equipped to look after a woman. I don’t know how to be the person Penny needs. But I’ll be damned if I trust someone else to protect her.