Ryan takes the boy in his arms and lifts him. Rosie takes off and runs up to him as well, jumping up at him. Damian throws his arms around his father’s neck like he doesn’t want ever to let go again. The sight of the two of them together is cute, adorable even, if it wasn’t for the circumstances. I approach them slowly, heart in my throat. This is what I feared might happen one day. This is exactly what has been in my nightmares.
Ryan tickles Damian’s stomach, and the boy laughs and worms around in his arms. He puts him down, then looks at me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask. I think about the gun in my bedroom. Can I get to it fast enough if I need to?
“I have to talk to you,” he says matter-of-factly. Like he is entitled to talk to me whenever he needs to. “Can I come in? It won’t be long.”
I notice he’s sweating and wonder if he ran all the way up the stairs. I can see the muscle flex in his jaw as he clenches his teeth. There’s something about the look in his eyes that makes me flinch. He smells like alcohol.
“You’re not allowed to come near us,” I say. “I have a restraining order out on you. You know you’re supposed to keep your distance and not approach us. I can have you arrested just for being here.”
I try to sound like I mean it. I don’t want him to think I won’t call the cops, because I will. I am not afraid of contacting the police, no matter what he writes in those texts he thinks are anonymous. I am afraid, though, of what he might do to us if I do. Now that I know he knows where we live, I am suddenly a lot more terrified.
Damian pulls my shirt eagerly. “I need to show dad my new fighter jet; can I show it to him, Mom?”
I sigh. Ryan smiles. It looks smug like he is enjoying this. I’m sure he is.
“Please, Mom?” Damian begs and drags it out. “Pl-e-e-a-se?”
I look at my son. He knows I can’t say no to him. The way he looks at me makes me give in.
“All right. But only for a second. Go to your room and get it.” I open the door and let Damian run inside. Ryan walks in with him, moving fast so I can’t stop him. This wasn’t my intention. I didn’t want him inside, but now it is too late. I can’t get my heart to calm down. I am on the verge of panic. He’s taken me completely by surprise. I didn’t think he even knew where we lived. I thought we were safe here.
“So, this is where you’re staying, huh?” Ryan says, looking around. He is edgy. He’s moving fast and speaking fast. I wonder if he is on something other than alcohol. Is it just the painkillers, or is it more now? Harder drugs? It wouldn’t surprise me at this point.
“I guess it’s okay. How do you afford it? Are Mom and Dad paying?”
“How did you find us?” I say.
“I followed you,” he says. “This morning, when you went to training with Isabella, I followed you here. I rang all the buttons until someone let me in.”
I sigh. Of course, he did. He knew what time I usually go to physical therapy with her. He’s known since that day he was sitting on the bench. It’s as easy as that, I guess. I was never safe here, was I? He could have found me at any point he wanted to.
Damian runs up to him, holding his plane, looking up at him proudly. “Isn’t it cool, Dad? It’s an F-16 Thunderbird. Is it like the planes you flew over there, is it? Look, it has missiles and everything, and it can even make a sound if you push there.”
Ryan smiles and looks at the plane. He grabs it between his hands and turns it in the light for a few seconds, then pretends to be flying it, making whooshing sounds. Smiling, he hands it back to him. “It sure is very nice, buddy. That is one very cool fighter jet. Just like the real ones. Did Mom give you that?”
He nods eagerly.
“Mom’s the best,” Ryan says, then looks up at me. “Don’t you think so?”
Damian nods. He is biting his cheek like he is wondering about something.
“Okay, cut it out,” I say. “Damian, go to your room.”
Damian gives me a look of surprise. “But…?”
“Now,” I say.
“M-o-o-m!”
“NOW!”
The boy slumps his shoulders, but he obeys. He slams the door to his and Isabella’s room to make sure I understand he is not satisfied, but I ignore it. This is what is best for him right now. I can’t have him here, listening to what his dad and I are talking about or even risking him getting hurt if things go south. I hope he’s not telling Isabella that Ryan is here. I don’t know how she’s gonna react if she sees him here. She hasn’t seen him since the incident. I can’t have her see him. I can’t put her in that situation. I need to get him out of our apartment now.
I turn to look at Ryan. I am tired of these games. I don’t feel safe with him here. I have to find out what he wants and then get rid of him as fast as possible.
“Why are you here? Why have you come?”
He runs a hand across his shaved head, rubbing it. He seems nervous, out of sorts. He is a mess. He has patches of sweat under his arms and on his chest, and his pants don’t seem to fit him anymore. As soon as Damian is out of sight, and his eyes land on me, I see the anger in them, and I take a quick step backward, startled.
“Have you lost your mind?” he asks, throwing out his arms violently. “Have you completely lost it?”
I breathe heavily, agitated and scared, and take another step back. I hope the kids will stay in their room and not come out when they hear him yell.
“Ryan, you’re not allowed to…”
“I don’t give a damn what I am allowed to do,” he says, spitting. “You’re my wife, and you have crossed a line here. Are there no boundaries, no limits to what you will do to hurt me? To how far you’ll go? How could you write that article, huh? How could you put your name on that total piece of crap?”
“Ryan…I’m warning you,” I say and take another step back as he leans forward. There is so much anger in his eyes, more than the time he grabbed my throat. “I’ll call the police. They’ll arrest you.”
“You’re bluffing,” he says, waving his hand at me. “I am the father of your children, goddammit. How could you do this to me? How could you embarrass me like that? You know what happened today after your little article came out, huh? Do you know what happened?”
“I’m warning you, Ryan, one step closer, and I’ll make that call.”
He doesn’t seem to care anymore. He has crossed the line long ago, and now there is no going back. I see it in his eyes; he has made the decision. Harassing me and yelling at me are worth going to jail for. He doesn’t care anymore.
“Chip called me in for a little chat. He wanted me to set you straight. Told me to get my wife back in line. Do you have any idea how that felt, huh? Do you?”
Ryan takes another step toward me, and I lift my hand to stop him from coming closer. He pauses, then passes his hand over his mouth, nervously rubbing his chin.
“You have got to stop this,” he says. “This harassment. This war you’re waging against me. I know I made a mistake, all right? It torments me daily that I accidentally shot our daughter. But accusing me, accusing the Air Force of…covering up murder? Where does all that come from? I’ll tell you where…from that twisted mind of yours. You see murder and ghosts everywhere. And it is hurting everyone around you. It has got to stop, Laurie, do you hear me?”