We drive there in my minivan and drop off the kids at my sister’s in Jacksonville on our way. Luckily, they both love Alicia, and no one is crying or even angry that they have to spend three days at her house. She lives right on the beach, so I’m sure she’ll be able to keep them busy while we’re gone. They’re bringing Rosie and the bunnies with them too, so they won’t be alone. It’ll be good for them.
I’m nervous as we get back into the car and drive up and through Georgia, then into the Carolinas. Not because I’m worried about my children; I feel confident they’re safe where they are. I’m not worried about my parents either since they have taken a trip to Colorado as they like to do at this time of year. They go for hikes, and my dad fishes while my mom reads. They have a place they like to visit up there with some friends every year, so I feel confident they’re safe too. Plus, it’ll be good for my dad’s recovery to get closer to nature. What I am worried about is Frank. How will he take it once I tell him about the baby? How will he react to the news that he is suddenly going to be a father? Will he run away? Will he be happy? We never discussed this. Does he even want to be a father? And how will it all work out? Will he want to marry me? Do I want to get married again? How will the kids react? Will they welcome Frank into their lives?
So many uncertain things make my stomach churn as I drive the long stretch up the mountainside. There are cabins hidden between the trees, but there’s a lot of distance between them. I see a car in one of the driveways, but most of them are empty. The sun is shining down on us as we drive upward and is reflected in the sparse snow on the sides of the road that is left from winter while we drive up the gravel road and finally reach the cabin. It is well hidden behind a row of pine trees, and as we drive into the driveway and get out, the view opens up to us of the valley below. It is breathtaking. We are surrounded by mountaintops hiding behind a light cloud cover—giving the place the name The Smokey Mountains—and we can see the creek that is running in the back behind the cabin. Birds are chirping in the tall trees covering us from the road, and the air is so cool and fresh, you can almost feel how healthy it is when breathing. I am suddenly feeling less worried as we carry our things and groceries inside. For the first time in days, Frank is smiling behind those sad eyes.
As we cook the chicken we bought on our way here, I almost manage to forget about Ryan and Chip, and even Vera isn’t on my mind anymore. At least not constantly like she was back at home. Frank seems to lighten up as well. He kisses me and serves me a glass of red wine. I take it with a smile and pretend to be drinking, but don’t drink any of it. I hope he doesn’t notice since I’m not ready to tell him yet. I want to wait until the right moment, and that isn’t now.
We spend the evening by the fireplace, me curled up against him on the couch, the fire crackling. He sips his wine, and my glass just rests on the table. I stare into the flames, feeling calm, listening to his heartbeat close to my ear. This is exactly what I need right now—being there, with him, alone. This place has such a calm to it; I feel like all my troubles have been left behind. I know I am just fooling myself; I know my problems are far from gone. Nothing has been solved yet, but I allow myself to enjoy this moment, to tell myself that maybe life can be good again.
Maybe.
Chapter 49
I wake with a gasp. I am frightened. I don’t know why. Is it my dream? Is it that sense of dread that is constantly with me, eating me up from inside, making me feel this deep sense of being sick? Is it worry? Nervousness? Anxiety? My thoughts are a mess. The more I think, the worse it gets. I breathe and focus on calming myself. Frank is in bed next to me. My heart is hammering, and it won’t stop.
Why am I so scared?
Frank snores lightly then turns in his sleep. The sun is peeking out behind the mountaintops, and its rays are hitting his face through the window. Frank has soft skin, and the sunlight bounces off him and makes him almost sparkle. I try to imagine myself being married to him, having a child, growing old. The thought is soothing to me. It makes me feel better. Frank makes me feel better. He makes me feel safe. And that is what I need right now.
Frank opens his eyes and looks at me, then smiles.
“Hi, there.”
I lean over and kiss him. He is still smiling as our lips part. “How are you so beautiful when you’ve just woken up?”
I chuckle and push his shoulder gently.
“It’s true,” he says. “You look stunning.”
Instinctively, I touch my stomach as I am reminded of what it is carrying. I grow serious; my fingers caressing his skin.
“What?” he asks.
I stare at him, biting my lip. I know I have planned to wait for the right time, but I make the decision quickly. This might as well be the right time. I reach over and grab his hand, then lead it to my stomach. I place it on my skin and look up at him. Our eyes lock. His grow wide as the realization slowly sinks in.
“Are you trying to tell me something?”
I stare into his eyes. He barely blinks. I can’t read his face; I don’t know if he is happy, or just surprised. Is he mad? Scared? What is he thinking? Does he want to run away?
Then, I nod. I am still biting my lip and holding his hand on my skin.
“You mean to say you’re…?”
I nod again.
“Yes, Frank. That is what I’m saying.”
His hand is removed, pulled away forcefully. Startled at this, I look at him. His eyes are blank. I still can’t tell what his reaction is.
“You’re pregnant?” he says. I know he has realized this, but he wants to be sure. He wants me to confirm it, to say the actual words.
“Yes, I am pregnant.”
“And it’s mine?”
I hate that question. It assumes that I have slept with others—makes me feel like a slut. But, of course, he has the right to ask. I am, after all, still married, and we’ve not been together for that long.
“Yes, it is yours.”
He is barely breathing now. I can tell he is fighting his emotions.
“And you’re sure about that?”
I sigh and close my eyes briefly. “Not one hundred percent, no.” I lift my glance, hoping my honesty is the right approach. “Listen, we will do a test to be sure. But you’re the guy I want to be the father of this child, no matter what.”
He is staring at me. He can’t find words. I can tell he is struggling. His lips are moving, but no sound is coming out. Not until after a few seconds when he finally manages to say, “So…I’m gonna be a dad? Like a real dad?”
His eyes are lighting up now, and I can see a smile as it lingers in the corners of his mouth. It is pulling his lips into a smile.
“Yes, Frank.”
“I’m gonna be a father, a real father? We’re having a baby? We’re having a baby together?”
I chuckle. “Yes. That’s what people usually do. Have babies together.”
He places his hand on his face, then rubs his stubble. “Oh, my God. I can’t believe it. I am having a child? I’m gonna be a daddy?”
He is smiling now and leaning forward to kiss me. He kisses me on the lips, on the forehead, on my cheeks, and then he leans forward and kisses my belly.