I want nothing more than to lie down and go to sleep, but I accept the water, take a few deep breaths, and the dizziness subsides.
‘Sorry. Thank you. It’s all been a bit emotional today, as you can imagine. I’m OK now. Let’s go and see the nurse.’
The nurse is a matronly woman with a kind face who speaks no English whatsoever. Using Didier as translator, she explains that she’s going to take a swab from inside my mouth, does so, and then puts the thing that looks like a giant cotton bud in a plastic tube.
She then speaks at length to Didier, before he translates for me.
‘So. She says that the DNA result will be back within twenty-four hours because, given the circumstances, they will rush it through. She has read the police and autopsy reports as well as having seen your brother and she wishes to stress that from the state of the – um – well how he is and the clothing that remained, there is very little doubt that it’s your brother. That it’s Will.’
I nod, which makes my head spin. ‘Yes. Yes, I understand that.’
‘She also said that you can see him if you would like, and that many relatives find that a comfort. However, in this case, because he has been out on the mountain so long, his appearance is not so good and you might prefer not to. But she would like to stress it is up to you – it is your decision.’
I nod, more slowly this time. I’m still unsure what’s best.
‘Because the body – Will, I mean, I apologize – had been there so long, it was impossible to finalize a definite cause of death,’ Didier continues. ‘Would you like me to tell you some of what the autopsy report found, or would you rather I didn’t? Or I could let you read it yourself, if you can understand some French?’
‘Tell me what the report said, I’d like to know,’ I’m surprised to hear myself say, as I’m not sure I do want to know. It’s not going to change anything.
Didier nods. ‘OK. It seems that he had sustained a fall – there were several broken bones, and a fractured skull. So it is likely that the fall was quite large – which would also explain why he could not be found as he was far from the slope – and that it killed him very quickly and he did not suffer. I hope you will take some comfort in that.’
I nod. ‘Thank you. That is good to know.’
‘We can also tell you what he was wearing. He wore a blue Spyder ski jacket and black salopettes – these were more degraded so they’re not sure of the brand. Do you remember if …’
I shake my head. ‘I’m sorry. It was a long time ago. I don’t remember what he was wearing.’ I don’t add that I never bothered developing the photos I took on that holiday. I didn’t want to be reminded.
‘That’s OK. The test results will come very soon and confirm everything. Now all that remains is for you to decide if you would like to see your brother.’
Suddenly I am sure. ‘No. Thank you. I think I’ll take the advice of the nurse and remember him as he was. I think it’s what he would have wanted.’
But I know that’s not true. He wouldn’t give a flying fuck whether I viewed his dead body or not. What he’d have wanted would have been still to be alive.
54
January 2020, La Madière, France
Ria
So far, I have managed to avoid spending any length of time with Adam. He didn’t show any sign of recognition when we passed at the breakfast table and, as Cam said, why would he? It was so long ago and it was so cold that day, we were all so wrapped up, he probably never saw my face. And he’s had twenty years to get upset about it, to take action, and we’ve never heard from him. So rationally, I’ve little to fear.
But that isn’t how I feel. All the guilt of the last two decades, all the lies are weighing me down, crushing me. I can’t bear to be here any more. I can’t spend time with the brother of the man whose death I am at least partially responsible for. I can’t do the ‘sorry for your loss’ thing when his loss is my – our – fault and we’ve lied about it for so long.
‘The roads are open again now,’ I say to Hugo. ‘Can’t we leave? Say it’s some emergency at work or something? I’m sure Simon will understand.’
Hugo sighs. ‘We’re due to leave in a couple of days anyway. Like I’ve said, I think it will be very tricky to arrange alternative transport, particularly with everything that’s been happening, and I also think it would be rude to both Simon and Cameron, both of whom I need onside for the business going forward. So no, I’m sorry, I think we’re going to have to stay. After all,’ he gestures around the room, ‘there are worse places to be stuck, aren’t there? Millie’s looking after us pretty well and surely the company isn’t THAT bad?’
‘It’s just, I’m finding it very claustrophobic, being cooped up in here, especially now that … that other guy is here too. And I think Cam – Cameron is coming for dinner again, isn’t he? And he’s awful – you agree with me about that at least, don’t you? I’ve had enough of being sociable.’
‘You usually like a party.’
‘Not today. Can’t we go home?’
Hugo narrows his eyes at me. ‘What is this about? Is there something you’re not telling me?’
I feel myself go red. ‘Of course not.’ I can’t tell him. He wouldn’t want me if he knew I was responsible for someone’s death and that I’d lied about it all these years. And then I’d be back out practically on the streets, I’d be no one, penniless again. Just like I was when at Cameron’s behest I gatecrashed Hugo’s party at the Natural History Museum in the last good dress I had, up to my eyeballs in debt and with bailiffs banging at my door. Hugo might be annoying to live with but, in essence, he’s a good man and a life of penury would be way worse. Obviously.
Hugo takes my hand. ‘Is it the stuff about not wanting to have children? Is that why you don’t want to be here with me? It’s OK, I’ve already forgiven you for the pill thing. We can wait. I’d rather you’d have talked to me than taking your pills without telling me but … well, it’s you I love. You that I need. The theoretical baby would just be the cherry on the cake.’
I feel myself soften and squeeze his hand. ‘It’s OK. We don’t need to wait. I’ve already stopped taking the pills. But I would still like to go home.’
He pulls his hand away. ‘You’re not getting round me that easily. Sorry, Ria, but we’re staying.’
55
January 2020, La Madière, France
Hugo
‘And this chalet was built in 2016,’ Cameron is saying, ‘though it looks like it could have been here almost forever. The stone is all local, apart from the granite in the kitchen, which is one of the best types you can buy. As you can see, we have Banksy prints here on the wall – none of this alpine hearts and wooden skis rubbish for our guests. The fur throws are real because that’s what most of our guests are impressed by, but if we have any eco-types coming, we can take them away and replace them with fakes – they just have to let us know. Hardly ever happens. The champagne is Bollinger, unless the clients request otherwise, and there are high-end candles in all the rooms – we offer a choice of different brands and scents in an email before they arrive. And pretty much any requests, from helicopter transfers to alligator steaks for dinner, we’ll endeavour to fulfil – at a price, of course. It’s all very bespoke – high net worth individuals love all that.’