“Ornery as a goat.”
“I was gonna say fine.”
I huff out an aggravated laugh. “There’s nothing fine about him. Not his manners or his temper or anything else. I think he’s got to be the most unpleasant person I’ve ever met. He took one look at me and decided he hates my guts.”
Auntie Waldine stares at me for a beat, her lips pursed. “Well, honey, that lipstick you’re wearin’ does make you look a trifle frightenin’. Maybe he was just scared.”
This from the woman dressed in a yellow polyester muumuu with a floral print pattern so busy it could cause a seizure if you stare at it too long.
I demand, “What’s wrong with my lipstick?”
She scrunches up her face. “It kinda looks like you lost a dare.”
I mutter, “Oh, for goodness sake,” and open my desk drawer. From it, I pull out a compact and check my lipstick in the little round mirror. “It’s just pink!” I say, staring at my reflection. “Plain old pink!”
“More like Meth Addict Barbie pink.”
I stare at her, nonplussed. “I don’t even know what that means.”
“That color pink is where all the other pinks go to die, honey. And it does nothin’ for your complexion. You should be wearin’ siren red.”
“But pink is my favorite color!”
Auntie Waldine lets her gaze drift over the walls, to the cardigan draped over the back of my chair, and down to the carpet, then murmurs drily, “You don’t say.”
I never should’ve gotten out of bed this morning.
4
Mason
Dick is quiet as we drive back to the house. So quiet I start to worry he’s mad at me. I hate it when he’s mad at me, so I decide to throw out a fishing line to see if I’ll get a bite.
Looking out the window, I mutter, “That was interesting.”
If he explodes, I’ll know to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the ride. Probably the rest of the week, too.
But he only says neutrally, “Sure was.”
No explosion. I exhale a breath of relief. “I told her she had to make it up to me for failing so far. How do you think she’ll do it?”
“Doesn’t matter. We’re not gonna use her, anyway. That broad’s a nut.”
Irked by his dismissive tone, I frown. “I mean, she’s a little quirky, I guess.”
Dick laughs. “Quirky? That’s being generous.”
Now I really don’t like his tone. I sit up straighter in my seat. “What do you mean? On the way over, you kept going on and on about what a lady she was. How sweet. How she wouldn’t like it if I cursed. You sounded like you like her more than you like me.”
It’s probably my imagination, but I think I see the ghost of a smile flit across his face before he answers. A satisfied smile, like he just won a bet with himself.
He says, “You’re exaggerating. I didn’t go on and on.”
“Well, you definitely made it sound like you liked her. And now you’re saying she’s a nut?”
His sigh sounds aggravated. “Fine. She’s not a nut. She’s a mouthy shrimp with a Napoleon complex. And homely to boot.”
My nostrils flare and my stomach tightens and I have to take a few slow breaths to manage the anger suddenly flowing like lava through my veins.
Which—what the fuck is that about?
Okay, I know exactly what it’s about.
FUCK.
“I don’t think she’s any of that, especially homely. In fact, she’s actually quite pretty.”
Dick snorts. “Pretty? What’ve you been smokin’? That girl is as pretty as a dumpster fire! Dresses like a nun, too. Zero sex appeal.” He shakes his head, chuckling. “It’s no wonder she’s single, poor thing. If she lived in a village in the fifteenth century, the townsfolk woulda burned her at the stake for bein’ a witch.”
His voice turns thoughtful. “That’s probably why she went into the matchmaking business, bein’ so unattractive and all. Couldn’t get a man for herself, so she decided to help out other single ladies. Plus, it’s not like her lady clients would have to worry about her stealin’ their men. Who’d want to stick his dick in that dog?”
Heat starts to crawl up my neck. “That’s fucking rude.”
He ignores me. “She sounded nice on the phone, but hoo-ey was that a snow job. I’m insulted on your behalf for the way she talked to you. She’s way too high and mighty for such a homely girl.”
Through gritted teeth, I say, “Call her homely one more time.”
Startled, Dick looks over at me. Then he gasps. “Oh my God. Don’t tell me you like this broad?”
“No.” Yes. “But considering she doesn’t have a face tattoo or an ex-husband she’s related to by blood, you should be thrilled if I did.”
He shouts, “Are you kidding me? You think I want you runnin’ off with some crazy virgin with a face only a mother could love who knows every trick in the book about how to manipulate a man into marriage? She’s the last person I’d want to see you with!”
Dick is seriously in danger of getting his lights punched out.
I glare at him, seething.
Then I tell myself to get a grip. It’s not like Maddie liked me, anyway. She made it clear she thought I was rude, crude, and socially unacceptable.
Besides, she’s not my type. Any woman who wears her blouse buttoned all the way up over her A cups is totally not my type.
I mean, forget about those big brown eyes. And that smartass mouth. And that scathing sense of humor.
And that heartbreakingly beautiful smile. That sweet angel’s smile. Forget all about that.
Yeah, forget it.
It was a Hail Mary pass, anyway, demanding she make it up to me for not finding me a match. She’s just gonna refund my money and forget she ever had the misfortune of meeting Mason Spark.
I stare out the window at the passing morning, knowing deep down that’s for the best.
Angels don’t have any business hanging out with devils like me.
5
Dick
You’ve hearda reverse psychology, right?
Yeah, you know—that tactic you use when you want someone to do the opposite of what you’re tellin’ him to do, because you can’t come right out and say the real thing you want, ’cause he’s stubborn as a mule and won’t do it. He’s gotta think it’s his idea.
Like God did when he told Adam and Eve not to eat the apple.
That was one epic reverse psychology move right there, ladies and gents. Think about it. We’re that dumb as a species that any halfway intelligent supreme being couldn’t come right out and say, “Do this. I’m your Creator, and it’s what I want.”
No. Humans would be all, “Hey, you’re not the boss of me, asshole!”
So instead, God had to say, “Don’t do this, or you’ll forever be banned from this awesome garden,” because what he really wanted was for us to stop bein’ so lazy and naked and get outta that garden and start up human history.