Oh, man, he looked good. His white shirt framed him like a boss. Dark denim jeans, formal shoes. His hair was longer. Curly. He’d tried to tame it, but it had given him a delicious just-rolled-out-of-bed look. His face had the best kind of scruff and he was wearing his Clark Kent glasses. I placed my hands on the podium and tried to take deep breaths, remembering a breathing technique where you imagine you’re blowing a bubble until it popped.
I laughed as Stace gave him a death stare and mouthed, Where the fuck have you been?
“Before I go,” I continued. “I wanted to say that this film came from a place of love. In fact, it was surrounded by love. The love for my brother and keeping his memory alive. My love for Doctor Chris and the clinic. Reid and James, a real-life couple who were kind enough to show their love on camera.” I watched as they kissed, and laughed as they stood and took a bow on my avid encouragement. “Thank you so much for being real and raw. The importance of having an emotional connection is non-existent in sex education and it was so important to me that we captured it within this film.” More applause, more cheers, more whoops. I waited until it calmed down and there was an opportunity for me to meet Will’s gaze and talk only to him.
“Love grew for me because of this film, with a man who should be credited as joint producer because there were so many ways he helped me through this. I found a clear focus because of him. He showed me what sex should be like.” I looked up and found him staring at me, he couldn’t take his eyes away. “We did a lot of pissing about, Will.” He smiled. “Denial was the culprit. I didn’t want to ruin a good thing with sex, but we didn’t ruin it. We only increased what we had…doubled it in size. Tripled it!”
The crowd cheered again, and Matt slapped Will on the back. He didn’t flinch. Eyes on me. Hooded. Lustful. Full of wonder. “I thought I messed it up.” He fiddled with his glasses. “I was scared because I’d never had anyone stand by me like him, believe in me, encourage me in everything I do. Did I fuck us up? Well, he’s here and he’s smiling at me now so, maybe not.” He shook his head and it was all I needed from him.
You didn’t fuck us up. I’m here.
“I just want to say one more thing about sex. No one can underestimate connection. Whether it’s shiny and new or a weathered relationship that just fits. Connections happen all the time. Grab them. Don’t let them slip away. It can change the rest of your life and enhance you beyond the point of recognition.”
I waited for quiet again and held my hand across my heart. “My brother wrote a beautiful note to me. I don’t call it a suicide note. Not since I met a wonderful bereavement counsellor who helped me to understand my grief in a totally different way. I call it his farewell. He said I couldn’t have done more for him. Loved him. Cared for him. Made him laugh even in the tough times. He told me not to see his death as an end but more of a passing through.” I dropped my eyes to his farewell that I’d brought with me for moral support. I ran my fingers over the paper and looked out to the audience as I finished my speech.
“I dedicate this film to him.”
Will
She worked the room like she was born to. Shaking hands, smiling, talking with passion about the project and she was in her element. I stood back and watched in awe. I knew she was doing what she had to do, but the tiny glances and little smiles she kept giving me showed me that I was always on her mind.
“Alright, mate?” Matt put his hand on my shoulder and handed me a bottle of beer.
“Just watching poetry in motion.”
“Jesus, you are in love,” he replied. “Shouldn’t you be mingling? You are the cameraman.”
“I’m lying low on that. Don’t want to upset my new boss.”
He laughed. “She’s a tyrant, that’s for sure.” He offered Stacey a look that I was sure resembled my own when my eyes fell on my girl. “Listen, people forget. My escorting is rarely mentioned now and from what I saw tonight, it’s a beautifully shot film that happens to feature a couple having sex. It’s not porn…it’s art.”
“Thanks,” I said trancelike as Skye made her way towards me. She looked like an angel, a dirty angel. Her white suit offering an air of masculinity that was completely blown out of the water when I saw what was underneath. A white corset, see-through and covered in sequins. Collar bone and boob curves. Pale, perfect skin. Heaven. It came down to a point just above the place I wanted to worship tonight. She dropped her eyes to see where my attention was. I wanted her, her pussy, her snark, but most of all, I wanted her love.
“William,” she said, a smile tugging at her lips.
“Sorry I’m late. I didn’t need to see the film again. I can relive it when I close my eyes.” She rolled her eyes and smiled. God, I’d missed that. I pulled her by her hand, fitting her body against mine and whispered into her ear. “Do you know how brave you are?”
“Beginning to,” she replied.
“You look fucking edible.” A hitch of breath and tilt of her head told me I’d got her.
“So do you,” she whispered, her hand sliding round to rest on my arse.
“I can’t find the words to tell you how much I’ve missed you.”
“Take me somewhere more private,” she said, as I imagined ripping that corset from her body. “Not for that, perv. To talk.”
“Disappointing.”
She laughed. “Talk first,” she whispered. “Taste second.” I groaned into her shoulders as she pulled me behind her.
She tried a number of doors and let out a series of expletives when she found them locked. I was happy to watch this game of sexual frustration play out until we left and found the door to her bedroom.
“Yes,” she whooped as a we were met with what could only be described as a room for all the crap a porn cinema no longer needed. Cardboard cut-outs of a nurse dressed in latex, rolled-up film posters and a giant set of lips masquerading as a sofa. She smiled softly. It wanted to break out, I could tell, but she bit her lip and waited.
“Thanks for coming,” she said at the same time I said, “Thanks for inviting me.” We laughed lightly and she bounced on her heels as I fiddled with my glasses.
“Your speech was–” she folded her arms and held a breath. I wanted to say her speech was a perfect tribute to Elliott, a respectful take on the porn industry, a plea for films to consider the themes she was so passionate about, a raw telling of a woman who needed to find herself, and a fucking amazing declaration of love for me. How could I roll that jumble of thoughts into one sentence? I watched her as she waited for me to finish, her eyes wide and nervous. “It was…” I shook my head, emotion clawing at my skin. “Everything.” She let go of her breath and smiled, nodding in thanks, laughter bubbling through.
“You brought your camera,” she said pointing to the trusty friend I carried everywhere. “Take any good pictures tonight?”
“Not yet,” I replied lifting it over my head by the strap and aiming it at her. She put two fingers up in a peace sign and pushed out her tongue. Click. I stood tall and slowly moved the camera away from my face, catching her eyes as I did. “Now I have.”