“Stace? What the fuck is going on?”
I crossed my arms. Ready to retreat. Get away. Move on and swear off relationships forever. “I can’t believe this,” I whispered to myself, before raising my voice to a normal level. “I was doing that cute girlfriend thing of surprising you out of work.”
“Girlfriend?” his kissing partner said. He put his finger to his lips and shushed her, and I was ready to flip the heck out.
“No, no, no. Why are you shushing her? Don’t ever do that.” I shook my head at him, then turned to her. “Don’t let him do that to you.” I was fairly sure my nose was wrinkling. It always did when I couldn’t fathom a shit show. “That’s so disrespectful and…disgusting!”
“Thanks,” his kissing partner huffed as Tim placed his hands over his face.
“You’re welcome, darlin,” I replied. “No one deserves to be shushed. I’m Stace, by the way.” I held out my hand. “The now ex-girlfriend, thank my stars.”
“Jesus,” Tim muttered.
“I’m guessing he failed to mention me?” His kissing partner shook her head behind him and I found myself nodding, pulling my lips together, the whole “now I get it!” shebang. I already knew. Twelve weeks wasted. Another relationship that meant nothing. To me or Tim.
“Urgh,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Twelve weeks of my life I’ll never get back. You”—I threw my arms up— “are a prize scumbag.”
“We never said we were exclusive,” Tim waffled out.
I cocked my head. “Did we need to clarify that? Sorry, I’m obviously out of the dating etiquette loop. I just assumed that when you begin a relationship, you don’t start seeing someone else!”
“Oh my God!” his kissing partner shouted. Tim started floundering and I let out a loud laugh, covering my mouth to stop myself. A snort flew out through my fingers in typical Stacey fashion.
“You’re timing is crap. I have tickets to see Hamilton tonight.” I took them out of my bag and wafted them in front of him. “Do you know how hard it is to get these? I almost had to mount the box office assistant. Jesus! Wasted on you! Who the bloody hell will I go with now?”
“Is that all you’re bothered about?” Tim asked, his eyes narrowed in question.
I had to think for a second. Just one, mind you. “Yeah.”
The truth was, I was mostly disappointed I was back on the endless cycle of trying to find a partner of the opposite sex who I actually liked. Heck, I was exhausted. Dating in the twentieth century was tiring. I’d had my fill of mediocre relationships, dates that didn’t make it to a second, online creeps that were only after one thing. I’d experienced it all, believe me, and wowsers, I was done.
I looked behind Tim to his kissing partner, who was frosty as anything. Arms crossed and a scowl, all directed at the back of Tim’s head. Poor woman. I felt sorry for her. “Would you like to come? Make a night of it?” I lifted the tickets. “I could tell you all about his bad habits. Number one: cheating.”
She chuckled a little and Tim threw down his leather driving gloves. Ick. What did I see in him?
“Stace, let’s just end it here, shall we. I’m very sorry and all that. Yada, yada,” he said, circling his hands to help speed up his words. “I should have told you before, I didn’t. Never mind. I’ve been seeing Penny and I find that she’s actually more on my wavelength, more like me. Compatible in background and our…mutual life destination.”
Penny’s scowl deepened. She was absolutely livid. “More like you? What’s that supposed to mean?”
I half-wondered why I hadn’t asked that question myself. Another snort escaped my mouth again. I couldn’t help it and Tim rolled his eyes like a good'un.
“And Penny doesn’t resort to snorting when a civilised laughing noise would suffice.”
I gasped, mouth hanging open in total shock at the nerve of this guy. “Don’t mug me off, Tim!” I shouted, still with a hint of exasperated laughter brightening the tone.
“I’m doing the right thing,” he said, completely ignoring Penny’s death stare. “We’re done. It’s over.”
I snorted again. Actually snorted again, throwing my head back and holding my side. “How noble of you,” I replied. “To be honest with me after I found out. Done? Did we even get started? What was I thinking! I can’t. I really can’t with this.”
I tried to stop the laughter this unbelievable situation was encouraging. I couldn’t, though. It just kept getting better. “Done? I haven’t seen you in over a week. You texted me once. Once! To tell me you were getting your ingrown toenail sorted. Wait…” I turned to him, puzzled and weary. “Was that even true or was it a smokescreen to see the lovely Penny over there?”
“It was true,” he replied. “Still smarts a bit.”
“Good!” Penny and I shouted simultaneously.
We’d drawn quite a crowd now. A woman walking past stared at Tim like he’d just snatched her handbag. He did an uncomfortable shoulder roll and she couldn’t help herself. “You’re better off without him, love!”
“Did you hear that?” We fist bumped. “Solidarity.”
“What a waster!” she shouted again before stopping at Penny as she held up a finger. “You can roll a turd in diamonds, sweetheart, but it will always be a turd.”
“Yes!” I laughed. “I honestly don’t know what I was doing,” I said. “Momentary brain lapse.”
“Bloody hell, we were hardly love’s young dream,” Tim said. “Why are you getting so upset?”
“I’ll tell you why.” I shoved my umbrella under my armpit and set my hands on my hips. “Because I’m officially back on the dating scene.” I closed my eyes and mouthed, Can’t believe it, to the sky. “And that is the most depressing thing about all of this.”
“Oh,” he said, laughing through his nose. “I’m glad I meant so much to you, Stace.” He put his finger to his mouth. “At Anna’s party, I remember you telling me I was the love of your life.”
“We’d only just met! I’d had five Jager Bombs and a Bailey’s. It was right after I told my boss” husband that his comb over hairstyle was very distinguished. Just before telling my best friend that it was a travesty that Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again wasn’t nominated for best picture at the Oscars. Meaning, I wasn’t talking sense, for Christ’s sake!”
“Awful,” the woman said, still hanging around. “Killing off Meryl did it for me. I was out of that cinema before the first bars of ‘Waterloo.’”
“What are you doing!” Tim shouted at the woman who had taken an active interest, jumping up and down like he was having a child’s tantrum. “Go away!”
That was it.
Something, or someone, had saved me from a life of mediocre…again.
Perhaps it was voodoo or my Nana acting as a guardian angel?
Whatever it was, my time was up.
I was ready to walk away while I still had a shred of pride.
“Tim,” I said, placing my hands on his arms. “You need to reassess your values because…you don’t appear to have any.” I poked my head around him to the still scowling blonde. “It was nice to meet you, Penny. Sorry you got caught up in”—I flicked my finger between Tim and I—“all of this.”