Although he was certainly attracted to me, wasn’t he? He obviously wanted to sleep with me. But that was before he knew who I was. He probably thought I was some super fun woman who goes rock climbing on the weekends, then showers and goes out clubbing all night. Now that he knows the truth, he wouldn’t be interested at all.
I slap the water with both hands and watch as it ripples to the end of the tub, then comes back. Why couldn’t I be Terri Irwin instead of boring old me?
I try to picture myself grappling up a mountainside, but even in my mind, I slip and plummet to the earth below. I’m not now and never will be the cool, adventurous type, so I might as well forget all about Mr. Tall, Dark and Daring. I sink deeper into the water, trying to find something else to fill my mind.
I end up thinking about Pierce and his vows to Emma. The look on her face is burned into my mind—she seemed so sure it's all going to work out. Like absolutely positive, as though their love is an undeniable fact. And all those things Pierce said about her driving a speedboat and diving into the ocean to catch lobsters with her bare hands? My heavens! I can’t even imagine doing that. But, that’s the kind of woman men want—daring and fun and carefree. Someone who owns a bikini and has a killer serve. I’m like a middle-aged woman with a boring wardrobe and the world’s most boring personality to match. Which is why I have to forget all about Will Banks immediately.
His gorgeous face pops back into my mind. Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t forget about him this fast. I’ll need at least a few days of fantasizing first. I dry my hands and pluck my mobile phone off the side of the tub, then Google Will Banks. Mmm … there's an entire website devoted to his show called Will’s Wild Fangirls. They have a most comprehensive photo album of his greatest hits—and by that, I mean a bunch of pictures of him with no shirt on. Yum. I wouldn't kick him off the throne for eating crackers. When I get to the end of the photos, I reach the blog section. Let's see what his stalker has to say.
ABN Searching for Wild World Co-host
Hello fellow fangirls,
I am not sure whether I'm happy or devastated to bring this news, but it seems as though the geniuses over at ABN have decided to add a female co-host to The Wild World for season three (which is set to start filming in the next few weeks). I'd be thrilled if they chose me—and believe me, I was likely the first person to apply. I'll be wrecked if they don't pick me, opting for some skanky ho instead.
My sources at ABN tell me they’re looking for someone to help spice up the format a bit, although if you ask me, Will alone is spicy enough for this blogger. Applications will be open for another three days, but don’t even think about applying because this is my destiny. Seriously, don’t bother because this one's mine, ladies.
Peace Out Bitches,
The Future Mrs. Will Banks
“Well, Gran, I think I may have just found a big risk to which I’ll say yes,” I mutter. “And to you, the future Ms. Jailbird Stalker, you're about to have one more skanky ho with whom to compete.” Although I don't know how many skanky hos use phrases like ‘with whom.’ Whatever. I’m going for it.
No, I shouldn’t. That’s insane. And I’m drunk.
I put my phone down and slide under the water until the top of my head is soaked. But, I did promise Gran, didn’t I?
And it would be very wrong of me to break a promise.
Sitting up, I pat my hands and face dry with my towel, then grab my phone again. I search my contacts and text Kira Taylor, one of the directors of unscripted television and a fellow board member of Avonian Women in The Arts.
Kira, I'm looking to shake things up a little. Have you found a co-host for Will Banks yet?
It doesn't take more than twenty seconds for me to get a reply. Are you serious? Because if you're serious, the job is yours.
I grin and duck under the water to scream like an excited Julia Roberts as Pretty Woman.
What can I say? Royalty has its privileges.
A Flurry of Uninformative Information
Will
Email to Will Banks cc. Dwight Anderson, Victor Petty, Kira Taylor, Toshiro Fukuhara, Callum MacKenzie
From: Dylan Sinclair
Subject Line: INCREDIBLE NEWS - TOP SECRET!!!
Good Morning All!
I have what is quite possibly the most epically amazing news you will ever receive. Last night, we snagged one of the biggest celebrities in the entire kingdom for the show. The contract has been signed and she's good to go! In the interest of great television, I am not sharing her identity with you because the big reveal is a thrilling moment that needs to be caught on film. Suffice it to say, you are going to flip when you find out who I've managed to secure.
She's so big, we may need to alter the name of the show—but I won't tell you what I'm thinking of just yet because it will spoil the surprise.
Here’s our new format:
1) We pick you up and zip you to the airport where you will fly to an undisclosed location. You take nothing with you (other than your enthusiasm).
2) You will then meet your co-host—on film.
3) We reveal the new rules of the show.
4) The two of you hop into a waiting helicopter that will drop you into the wilderness fitted with GoPros.
5) You two work together to find your way back to civilization using only the tools and equipment provided.
Since I've also managed to get an incredible advertising deal from GoPro, this show is making money and we haven't even started yet. See? Thrilling, right?
Also, the new format sidesteps that little issue of me having no directing experience. As I got farther along in the Ron Howard Master Class, I realized there may be more to the whole thing than I thought. There will be extensive post-production work in editing, etc., but not to worry because there is literally no way this plan can fail. We’ll only need Tosh and Mac at the first location, then they’ll wait in town to film you when you arrive. It’ll just be Will, our gorgeously fabulous celebrity, and your wits.
Let the games begin!
Dylan
P.S. A car will pick you up next Friday at six a.m. sharp to take you to the airport. Make sure you don't shave.
Text from me to Dwight: Please call me immediately regarding Dylan's ridiculous plan.
Dwight: In an important client meeting at the moment. The answers to your questions are as follows: 1) No, you can't, 2) Yes, you must, 3) There is no such clause, and, 4) Don't even think about it if you want to have a career beyond today.
Email to Dylan Sinclair, cc. Dwight Anderson, Victor Petty, Kira Taylor, Toshiro Fukuhara, Callum MacKenzie
From: Will Banks
Subject Line: RE: INCREDIBLE NEWS - TOP SECRET!!!
Dylan,
Thanks for your enthusiasm about this project. However, I do have a few major concerns.
1) For obvious safety reasons, I require an in-depth knowledge of where we’re going, including which plants are edible vs. poisonous, what types of dangerous animals we’ll be facing, etc.
2) I cannot in good conscience take an inexperienced person out into the wilderness unprepared. That would put both our lives at risk, and I’m not sure, but I’d guess that one or both of us dying won’t make for great television. Maybe Victor and/or Kira can comment on that.