I stare at the ceiling for a few minutes, trying not to let myself fall back into memories I don’t want.
I’m saved from myself by a knock at the door. I know it’s River because he raps twice, pauses for a second, and raps once more before repeating the sequence—like a heartbeat.
I sigh. Looks like I’m not getting out of a conversation that easily. “It’s open.” I lock it before I go to sleep every night.
The doorknob turns, and he pokes his head in. He waits until I wave him over. River is tall, so he has to stay in the middle of the room to avoid hitting his head on the slanted ceilings. He’s very much a hybrid of our parents. He has our dad’s dark hair, but our mom’s waviness. His eyes are hazel, and he and I share the same mouth, but he has our dad’s nose.
Where Maverick is rugged, GQ modelesque, River is . . . pretty. He’s obviously masculine, but his angles aren’t as severe. Everything about his face is softer, which contradicts his personality. And because he’s constantly scowling, he looks like he wants to murder the entire world, but he’d be pretty doing it.
River crosses the room and stands beside my bed, scrutinizing me. I scoot over and pat the empty space. He sits and stretches out, his massive body taking up more than half of my queen-sized mattress.
“No houseguests tonight?” I decide to break the heavy silence with humor.
“I have an early class, and practice tomorrow.”
“How responsible of you.” I tip the box of cereal in his direction.
“I’m good.”
I shove my hand in the box, fishing around for a marshmallow. They’re getting harder to find.
“You know it drives Mav insane when you put the box back and there are no marshmallows left, right?” River is clearly struggling to say what he wants to.
“Yup.” I produce a rainbow and pop it in my mouth.
River grabs my hand, and I drop the box, cereal spilling over my bed. He sits up in a rush as I curl my fingers into a fist and try to hide the crescent moons scored in my palm. But River is strong, and I’m no match for him, so he pries my fist open—gently—and sucks in a breath.
When he looks at me, his expression is tortured. “What happened, Lav?” He runs his callused fingers across my palm. The cuts aren’t deep, but they exist, and that’s enough.
“It’s nothing.” I pull my hand free.
He rolls to his side and props himself up on one elbow. “Why are you lying to me? You always lie to me about him. Why?”
Because we had something you’ll never understand. Because even though I hate him, I’ll always love him. Because he used to get me in a way I don’t think anyone ever will again. Because he could save me without smothering me. “It’s complicated.”
“I wish I’d known about the glasses situation. I would’ve come to get you.”
“I should’ve walked home—or done anything but get in the car with him. But that was the choice I made, and only I get to regret it.” I link my pinkie with his.
“I don’t like that he does this to you,” River says softly.
“I do this to myself.”
“Because of him.”
“It’s been a lot of years, River. It was a shock to my system.” That’s a partial lie.
River chews the inside of his cheek to the point that I wonder if he’s making it bleed. “I shouldn’t have pushed you to come to school here and move in with me and Mav. It was a mistake. My mistake. I thought it would be better ’cause, like, we’re all here, and I didn’t want you to have to stay back with Mom and Dad for another year. But I feel like I’m making your life harder, not easier. It was selfish of me.”
“You didn’t force me to come here. It’s where I wanted to be.” That’s mostly the truth. I didn’t want to miss out on being where everyone else was.
His pinkie curls tight around mine. “I always wanted to keep you safe, Lav, but I kept fucking up. I couldn’t even keep you safe from Kody. Even now, I can’t.”
I squeeze his pinkie back. “I don’t want you to keep me safe from Kodiak. That’s my own cross to bear, not yours.”
He’s quiet for a long time before he finally exhales a long, slow breath. “I couldn’t keep you safe from a lot of things.”
After all the damage that’s been done over the years, I have to wonder which of us has suffered more.
Chapter Nine
Additional Suckage
Lavender
Present day
THE NEXT MORNING I get up early and make a stop at the student housing department so I can get myself on the list for a dorm room. It might be a long shot, but it certainly won’t happen if I don’t try. Turns out, there’s a pretty extensive waiting list, but if I don’t mind shared accommodations, I have a better chance. At this point, I’ll take about anything other than a cardboard box.
Unfortunately, when I head over to the registrar’s office right after, I’m even less successful. Apparently I need the macroeconomics course, and switching it to next semester isn’t an option unless I’d like to lose my elective. At least it’s only once a week. I guess it’s a good thing I stuck around for the quiz, although I don’t have much faith that I’ve managed to pass it.
As the week unfolds, I’m glad to report that the rest of my classes are awesome. So the upside is that I get macroeconomics out of the way at the beginning of the week. The downside is that the coursework for that is going to take me more hours than I would like to complete.
On Friday, the house starts filling up with random people early in the afternoon. It’s a gorgeous day and still gloriously warm as we approach the last week of August. By three o’clock, girls upon girls in skimpy bikinis are draped all over my brothers and their hockey and football friends.
Fortunately, I have plans to meet Josiah for coffee, and Lovey and Lacey are still trying to persuade me to come to their party. I pass through the kitchen, stopping to toss a few snacks in my backpack on my way out the door.
Two of River’s teammates—they immediately announce that they’re football players—start chatting up my boobs. Granted, I’m wearing a sundress that draws attention to them, but still, they don’t even attempt to keep their eyes above my neck.
The beefcake on the right belches loudly and skims one of my straps. “You got a bikini on under there?”
I shake my head and shift away from his unwelcome contact. His nails have dirt under them, which is nasty. I glance around, hoping one of my brothers will appear and tell this guy to back off. I usually keep to myself and my room when they have a lot of people over.
Instead of Maverick or River coming to my rescue, Kodiak pushes his way between the two beefcakes and slings an arm over each of their shoulders. A beer bottle dangles from his fingers and his eyes slide over me, expression full of disdain. “Who let you out of your ivory tower?”
I roll my eyes and flip him the bird.
The football players laugh, and the one on the right smirks at his friend. “I like this one.”
Kodiak’s lip twitches. “There’s a do-not-touch policy on this one, so find another set of tits to eye-fuck.” He tips his beer back, draining half of it in one long gulp, his gaze still trained on me. He swipes the back of his hand across his mouth as he steps forward, into my personal space. My heart rate kicks up, and my breath gets trapped in my lungs—like I’m stuck underwater.