“Like I’d let anyone get away with that shit. I invented that,” Ilan told him, and Preston laughed again.
“It was really good to see you, Ilan. This was…unexpected.”
Ilan smiled, and he knew he should feel good about it. Warm and comforted and wanted—because Preston offered him all of those things. And in truth, he knew he was just out of practice letting himself be open to something like this. Dating, affection, the possibility of a future.
And maybe he was getting ahead of himself, but he knew it was time to start trying. Like Fredric had told him earlier, he needed to stop assuming he was a burden to everyone else, and saying yes to this date was the first step.
He’d probably come to regret it, but it was time for his fair share of relationship pain.
Chapter 9
Sitting at his computer, Fredric’s fingers drifted across the braille display, reading over the last message a man named Hudson had sent him. Fredric was still coming off the disaster date with John, but the few days he’d spent in Ilan’s company had softened the blow to his self-esteem and courage.
It was strange to consider Ilan his own friend, but when he left the last afternoon, Fredric had a moment of realization that he’d been thinking of him that way for years. Ilan had never outgrown Julian, but he’d grown into a mature, clever adult that Fredric found himself unendingly proud of.
And it probably helped that Fredric had never been asked to fill a fatherly space in Ilan’s life. He had been the sort of person Jacqueline hadn’t wanted their children to associate with, but Ilan’s parents were good, kind people. They loved the hell out of their son, and being such a young father, Fredric looked up to them and wanted to be even half as good as they were to his own children.
As Ilan grew into his own, he’d stopped being the mouthy little shit always encouraging Julian to get into trouble, and he’d become something else. A person that Fredric wanted to spend time with, a person that made him feel grounded and—though the thought scared him a little—even happy.
Fredric slept a little better the night he found out Ilan was living only a few minutes up the road, and he’d woken up refreshed and with a little more bounce in his step. And it was that mood that led him back to the app, back to another string of messages, and now to sitting in his chair waiting with trepidation and panic for a phone call.
He nearly jumped to his feet when his phone began to vibrate, and it took him a moment through his nerves to find it on the desk. He took a breath, cleared his throat, then answered. “Hello?”
There was a short pause, then a rumbling voice on the other end, “Fredric?”
“Yes. I…yes. Hello,” Fredric said, leaning back and squeezing his eyes shut. How was it possible for him to be fifty-three and worse than a tween’s first call to a boy they liked? “Sorry. Hi.”
“Did I catch you at a bad time?” Hudson asked, sounding almost sorry.
Fredric passed his hand down his face. “Ah, no. No, I was just sitting down in my office. Um.” He bit the inside of his cheek. “How are you?”
There was another awkward pause, and then he heard something that might have been a laugh. “I’m good, thanks. Just got off work and ready for a long weekend. And maybe dinner, if you’re still up for it?”
Fredric had tentatively agreed to plans, which he meant to keep so long as the phone conversation went well. “I think that can still be arranged. I kept tomorrow free.”
“Excellent.” Hudson cleared his throat. “So, you’re at the office…”
“Ah. No, I mean…I meant,” he said, flushing slightly. “I’m in my office at home. My home office. I’m not working at the moment.”
Hudson let out a small, curious noise. “Unemployed?”
“Retired?” Fredric said, though it came out more like a question because he was far too young to be retired, but he wasn’t sure he’d ever be going back to law. At least, not the sort he’d dedicated himself to for most of his life. “I left my law practice when I moved here.”
“Oh,” Hudson said, sounding a little startled, and Fredric heard hesitation in his voice before he spoke again. “May I ask why? I know you wanted to keep the details minimal for the time being…”
“No, it’s fair,” Fredric said. “I didn’t like what I was doing. After my divorce, I tried to hang on for a while, but it became obvious it wasn’t for me.”
“Well, I’ve heard that song and dance,” Hudson said, then after a beat, “I’m actually a divorce attorney.”
“Well. Fuck,” he said without thinking, then leaned back, his head thumping against the headrest. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Hudson said with a chuckle. “I’ve heard worse. A lot worse.”
“Mm.” Fredric knew, because Jacqueline had lost her composure more than once during mediation, and he could only imagine what it was like with someone who had less social poise. The silence settled again, and he wasn’t quite sure what to say. Small talk had never been his forte, and it hadn’t been necessary in years.
Hell, when Agatha had thrust herself into his life, she’d dominated the conversation and he hadn’t needed to try. He started to flail, but after a beat, Hudson took pity on him.
“I don’t know if this would be better or worse in person.”
That startled a laugh out of Fredric. “Based on my previous date…”
“Oh,” Hudson said with a sigh. “I’ve been there. The app is helpful when you’re not the kind of person to go to gay clubs. I mean, I did my fair share in the eighties. Enough to know that I’m beyond grateful to be here right now. But my back can’t take all the gyrating.”
Fredric smiled so hard he felt his eyes crinkled. “And the noise. I thought disco was piercing.”
Hudson laughed softly. “And it’s kind of nice to look your date in the eyes, you know? Expressions tell so much more these days. All this texting and chatting feels mechanical. It’s hard to connect if you can’t see them.”
And Fredric knew what he was saying—he knew it was more than just sight—but he’d spent so long trying to find space within those statements, and it made him feel like he was about to nosedive into another disaster.
“Fredric?” Hudson’s voice was a little tentative. “Did I say something wrong?”
“No,” he said, then stopped and took a breath. “I’m blind. So, I’ve had to learn other ways to trust someone’s sincerity and form a connection beyond being able to see them.”
“Oh,” Hudson breathed out. “Oh. Shit, I didn’t mean…”
“I know,” Fredric told him. And he was on the edge, knowing he had the choice to let him off the hook or not. “Seeing is the status quo.”
“Doesn’t mean I wasn’t a huge asshole just now,” Hudson admitted. “I meant a personal connection, but I said it all wrong. I’m sorry.”
He didn’t say it was fine, because it wasn’t. But he wasn’t going to torture the poor man either. He was already kinder than John, and even if they didn’t get past a first date, getting to the end of dinner would be a bigger win than the last try.