“Yes, you are,” Ilan argued. He pushed himself up and squinted against the sun. “You’re here for me right now.”
“But it’s not the same,” he shot back. “You never used to need me.”
“Julian…”
“I don’t want you to need me, even when I miss you so much it feels like someone cut off a limb,” he said, and Ilan felt like the world was cracking beneath him.
“I miss you too.”
Julian let out a very soft sigh. “I don’t think that just because I found Archer, everyone’s meant to find someone like him. But even as deaf as I am, Ilan, I hear it when you talk.”
“Hear what?” Ilan asked, his voice raspy.
“Like maybe you already found the person you were looking for, but you’re too scared to reach out for them.”
He wanted to fling himself into the ocean and swim until he reached the shores of France, just so he could hug his best friend because no one—no one—got him the way Julian did. Even when they didn’t talk for months, even the strained year that Julian had cut him out when he was with his ex—Julian was part of him.
And it was exactly why he wasn’t allowed to fall in love with Fredric, even if it was damn-near too late.
“What if he’s just not the right man? Because I don’t think…I don’t think it’ll work. So, what the fuck do I do?”
“You go on a date with Preston,” Julian said. “And then maybe you go on a date with someone else. And you keep doing that until someone comes along and makes you want to pause. Love isn’t a race, you know. Not always.”
And he knew that, but Ilan wasn’t sure he could stand up against a love that happened in slow motion.
Chapter 14
Sliding down onto the cool tiles, Fredric leaned his head against the wall and sighed. His back reminded him he was getting too damn old for this shit, but if he couldn’t sit on his knees for five minutes and clean a toilet, how was he going to perform in the bedroom? The comparison was ridiculous enough he couldn’t help laughing, and he was still chuckling at himself as he peeled his gloves off and felt around for his phone.
He’d left it in the doorway, and it had been buzzing while he was scrubbing. His finger passed over the screen, and the voice chirped that he had a message unread.
Hudson: This is a long shot, but I was wondering if you maybe wanted to give a second date with me a try?
Fredric swallowed thickly, unsure how to feel about the message. He hadn’t bothered to try and contact Hudson again—he hadn’t responded to any messages from the app. He told himself it was because he was waiting for someone to come along and feel right, but the reality was, he was shaken from his afternoon in the garden with Ilan. He knew the man was charming. He’d been play-flirting with Fredric for years, and Fredric would be the worst liar if he hadn’t said that there were moments he wanted it to be real. Maybe not Ilan himself, but he wanted someone who was effortlessly charming and wanted to use that to make him feel good.
But something had shifted that day, and it had taken him back to a moment before Bryce’s wedding. Jacqueline was staying in her sister’s cottage, and Ilan had showed up with scotch and an ear to listen. He’d kept Fredric’s hand in his, and he’d stayed close. He’d made the night bearable. And it had taken Fredric this long to realize that wasn’t just a throw-away moment. It meant something—at least to him and maybe to Ilan. But he also knew that it couldn’t mean anything. He was Julian’s best friend. He was like family. There was no room for him to feel something beyond that.
Still, he couldn’t get the afternoon at the garden out of his head, and it wasn’t the way Ilan had kept close to him and had gone out of his way to do something for Fredric—it had been the way he’d broken down. Ilan had prided himself on being strong and invulnerable, and that afternoon, it all changed. He heard the fear in Ilan’s voice, the belief that he wasn’t worth the trouble it took to love him. Fredric wanted to rip the world to shreds, wanted to hunt down the people who had ever made Ilan feel worth less than what he was, and make them hurt.
Fredric had held him there by those flowers while he shook, while his heart beat rapidly, while his breath hitched in his chest. Even now, he could still feel the warmth under his lips as his kiss lingered on Ilan’s cheek. And the rightness of the moment curled itself around him, and it was utterly terrifying.
This was a desire that should never have existed, but had been sparked to life and carefully nurtured until it was this quiet, slow burn.
It would eventually fizzle out, of course. He just needed to give it time. And space. And he knew how to at least take a step in that direction.
Fredric: You know it wasn’t the worst date I’ve been on. I enjoyed your company.
Hudson: I enjoyed yours too. I kept thinking we were both nervous, so maybe we owe it another chance?
Fredric: I’m not sure I should say yes. Most of it was my fault.
Hudson: We all have to start somewhere, and if we were expected to be perfect every time, no one would ever fall in love.
And hell, wasn’t that the truth? If all the pieces had to fall in place in exactly the right way, Julian and Archer would have never lasted past the first wrong text message. He didn’t know anyone in happy relationships that would be there today if they hadn’t worked hard for it and given second and even third chances.
And in reality, he needed to put himself out there. Even if it was destined to crash and burn, he owed at least someone the effort. So why not Hudson?
Fredric: What did you have in mind?
Hudson: Oh. I wasn’t expecting you to say yes. I’m a little thrown.
Fredric: I can say no if you’d prefer.
Hudson: No, no. I want this. I just wish I knew you a little better. I’m not sure if you’re dinner and movies kind of guy or long walk on the beach. Or something a little more risky.
Fredric: Why don’t you put some thought into it and get back to me. I don’t have any plans at the moment.
Hudson: No dates?
Fredric: Just a cooking lesson with a friend.
Hudson: Cooking? Like meals?
Fredric: Like meals. I’ve never had to do this sort of thing on my own before. I had the sort of privilege that afforded me a chef. I know what that makes me sound like, but I promise I’m not that guy.
Hudson: I never thought you were. Scout’s honor. But okay, I’ll take your challenge and get back to you when I come up with something really good. I’m looking forward to it, Fredric.
He wished he could say the same, but it felt like a lie, so instead he sent back a smiley face and hoped that it was interpreted as something akin to joy. And he felt a little bit lighter, because even entertaining the idea of this date was taking a leap. He wondered if Ilan would call him an idiot or if he’d be proud of him. Or maybe he’d be jealous, but that wasn’t a road he wanted to go down.
Pushing up from the ground, Fredric stretched his aching back and ignored the soreness in his knees as he made his way back to the living room. He heard Bas snoring in his bed, so he went to the kitchen and rummaged through the fridge at the sorry contents in there.