She stood and stared at the treadmill. She didn’t want to go on it. She could hear her mother’s voice telling her not to put on weight like Addie, telling her if she ever wanted to be as thin as Molly she’d have to put in the hard work. She crossed her arms and turned her head from the treadmill. Brushing away the disappointment in herself and the guilt, she turned off the lights and headed back upstairs. It was okay to take a break from everything every once in a while.
“Finished already?” Finn said as she entered the great room. He was sitting at the island with his laptop open and drinking coffee.
She didn’t want to tell him that she hadn’t worked out at all. Normally, that would have sent her into a spiral of guilt and self-loathing. Melody didn’t quit, and Melody didn’t run away from hard things. Until now. She shrugged and made her way to the coffeemaker. “Just a bit under the weather today,” she said, pouring a cup, keeping her back to Finn.
Finn was going to be another complication for her. He was chatty and pleasant—well, he was before, and she assumed that even if he wasn’t the same now, he was probably more social than she was. She didn’t feel like talking to anyone. She didn’t want to answer why she hadn’t worked out. She just didn’t want to. She’d had to answer to her mother her entire life, to be told that no matter what she did, it wasn’t good enough. She’d been set up to compete with Molly—only Molly had no idea. But their mother had pitted Melody against her, using Melody’s desire to have her mother’s affections as a way to fuel a one-sided competition.
But Melody had learned the truth two years ago and had been left reeling. Her entire life had been one big manipulation. She didn’t even know who she would have been if she hadn’t been forced in a certain direction. Would she have even been a doctor? Or had she really done all of this to please her mother? She had turned away so many opportunities for a social life, true friends, guys, everything because she had been so focused on her career goals—but she didn’t know if it had just all been to prove to her mother that she was good enough. How could she have not seen that until two years ago, after reconnecting with her sisters?
Finn and his older brother were so close. He would never understand the kind of sister she’d been to Molly. Melody had been jealous and resentful of Molly. She’d let herself be manipulated by their mom, and when Molly needed her most, she hadn’t been there. She would never forgive herself for that. He and Ben were well-rounded and perfect. It was hard to be around people this well-adjusted. She would make sure she didn’t use the Vitamix until later in the morning, though. She’d felt really guilty when he’d walked in with circles under his eyes. He clearly hadn’t slept enough.
“You okay?” Finn asked, his deep voice laced with worry as he shut the lid on his laptop and gave her his full attention.
She took a sip of coffee and avoided facing him. “Yeah. Just burned out. I figured there’s no point in pushing myself. I’m supposed to be here to relax. I might just spend the day on the couch.”
“Well, this is a good place to recharge. There is literally nothing around here for miles. No interruptions, no drop-in guests, no noise. It’s perfect. Sometimes, I see deer. Most mornings, actually,” he said.
She raised her eyebrows and glanced out the window. “That’s a nice way to start the day. I could get used to that.” With a smile, she turned back to him. “How will you ever go back?”
He shrugged and stood. “It won’t be easy. But I guess I’ll know when the time is right. I can’t stay here forever. I’ll have to get back to regular life. I’m not actually sure I’ll be going back to Shadow Creek, though. I haven’t exactly committed one way or the other.”
She held onto the mug a little tighter, wanting to know more about his plans, because right now never going back sounded like the perfect plan. “Really? You would give it all up?”
His jaw clenched. “Some days, I don’t think I have a choice. I don’t know if I’ll ever be what I used to be. Other days, I think it will just take time and I need to learn how to be patient. But no matter what, if I go back to Shadow Creek, I’ll have to face everyone at the fire station, and it’s not something I’m prepared to do. Because if I’m not physically able, seeing everyone there will hurt like hell,” he said, bracing his arms on the counter and looking out the window.
Her heart squeezed with sympathy. But she understood the pressure and the need to stay away. It dawned on her that he was much better at articulating his feelings than she was. He was also better at sharing. He and Ben came from a normal family, though. Their dad had been beloved by the town and his family, and he was good-natured and loving. Their mother, Marjorie, was a total sweetheart, and she knew both Finn and Ben adored her. There had been so many secrets and betrayal in her own family that she hadn’t realized how dysfunctional they all were until she was an adult, and even then, she hadn’t discovered the true extent of it.
She took another sip of her coffee, knowing she should say something. Her gaze trailed the strong lines of his body, and it was difficult to imagine that he might not be physically able to be a firefighter again. He was obviously in top shape, but she knew that the damage to his leg had been severe. Surgery could only do so much. “Time can do a lot, Finn. I know it’s hard to be patient, but it might take a few more months to get you to where you need to be. You can’t give up and think you’ll stay at this point forever.”
He hung his head. “I know. I also can’t live in hope. I love having this time up here, away from all the pressure and just able to concentrate on getting strong again, but sometimes I think it’s useless. Progress is so damn slow. What if it takes five years of just concentrating on myself? I can’t do that. That’s not a life, not the one I want. I haven’t not worked for so long since I was in school. I don’t really know how to take this much time off.”
She could understand that. On so many levels. Her injuries weren’t physical, they were emotional, and right now it felt like there was so much she needed to do to feel whole and confident again that it wasn’t realistic. It would be easier to just quit. She finished her coffee and placed her mug in the dishwasher. “You and me both. I get it. This is the first vacation I’ve had in…like forever.”
He turned around to face her, folding his arms across his wide chest and leaning against the counter. “What happened?”
She shut the dishwasher, avoiding his intense stare. She wasn’t used to sharing her mistakes. Growing up with her mother and having her mother involved even when she was an adult meant never making mistakes like a normal human. As a child, any grade lower than a ninety was seen as failure and another indication of how she’d never be as brilliant as Molly. It’s a wonder she, Molly, and Addie had ever reclaimed their friendship.
What had happened in that OR room would haunt her forever. She had never expected it to hurt so much, which was why she’d spent the last few days forcing it into a tiny box in the dark back corner of her brain. It was something she never wanted to unbox, let alone speak of to anyone. She had never been able to admit her mistakes to her mother without being ridiculed and belittled. Those memories had twisted her up so completely that she lived in constant fear of opening up. Never let anyone see you fail had been her MO since childhood. “Uh, just, work stuff. I think I’ve just been pushing for too long and it caught up with me.”