“Nope,” Iris said. “Your perfect little house will be fine. Poop cleans out of carpets, walls, and clothes. Just ask Kira.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Kira asked.
Despite my nerves, I couldn’t help laughing with Iris. “I’m not surprised the violent pooper herself decided to repress the memory.”
Kira folded her arms. “I told you two a million times that it wasn’t me.”
“And that’s exactly what you’d say if it was you,” Iris said. “So forgive us if we’re not entirely convinced. Besides, it’s always the ones you least expect. Like serial killers.”
I wiggled my eyebrows at Iris, just because it was fun to watch Kira get worked up. “You’re right. But maybe Kira is a serial pooper. One bathroom after another. She devastates them and waits for somebody else to take the fall.”
“I’m going to break up with both of you,” Kira said. “I have perfectly normal bowel habits, and I can’t believe you two just made me say that out loud.”
Iris and I laughed. We finally decided to stop picking on Kira once we worked our way deeper into the building and more people were crowded in around us. It was one thing to tease her among the three of us, but we’d never risk letting something like that spin into a rumor. West Valley was worse than high school when it came to rumors.
“Wait,” Kira said. She had her hair pulled back in a bun and her glasses on tonight. She had started dressing a little fancier since she’d reconnected with Rich, but she somehow still managed to look like she could fit right in restocking books at the local library. Of course, she was beautiful, too, but she was the wholesome sort of pretty that never seemed to bring out cattiness in other women. “I thought the event tonight was the apple cannon thing. Why are the criminals here?”
She was looking toward the center of the gym, which we could see now that we’d climbed up the bleachers a few rows. Three men in handcuffs were sitting inside a fenced-off area where a greased-up baby pig was snorting and sniffing around piles of hay. Seeing the pig explained the smell I’d noticed when we came in. I’d thought maybe it was just the collective sweat of a few hundred people, since everyone seemed to think the heat needed to get cranked up to sweltering whenever the temperature outside dipped below seventy-two.
“Uh, no,” Iris said. She had started letting her short black hair grow out so that it now reached her shoulders. I wondered if that had been at Cade’s request, or if Iris had just decided she was done trying so hard to look the way she thought a police officer should look. To me, she’d always been somebody who could kick my ass and look good doing it. For all Cade’s negative qualities, he did seem to at least have a positive impact on Iris and her confidence. “The apple cannon thing is in July. How did you get that mixed up?”
Kira sighed. “I guess I just kind of show up most of the time. It’s all some different version of crazy, anyway, right?”
“This one seems extra demented,” I said.
“Why?” Iris asked. “Is it the criminal part?”
“There are kids here. What if one of them breaks loose and goes on a murderous rampage or something?” I asked.
Iris laughed. “Okay, see, you’re forgetting we’re in West Valley. Goat theft is about as criminal as things get around here. More often, we’re looking at public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, and that kind of jazz. So, unless you brought a goat with you tonight, I don’t think you need to be afraid of our criminals.”
“I didn’t bring a goat, but I did bring you. Is that close enough?” I asked.
Iris shot me an icy glare. “Careful. The roasters are still off, but I won’t hesitate to flip you over and cook the other side if you test me.”
I rolled my eyes and smiled.
“Why do they agree to try to catch the greased pig again?” Kira asked. “Isn’t it kind of demeaning for them?”
“Because we give them a nice mattress and some other perks in their cell for a few weeks if they win,” Iris said. “Oh, and don’t look, but a certain ex-boyfriend is walking straight toward you, Miranda.”
Robbie was shouldering his tall frame through the crowd and climbing up the bleachers. He was handsome. He’d been everything I’d thought I wanted in a partner when I’d met him at a company luncheon a few months ago. He was the kind of good looking that everybody could agree upon. There was nothing risky about him, from his safe, classical, and sensible features to the way he managed his life. Everything about him was always in order. After just a couple of months together, I’d been able to know almost for certain how our future would turn out. A few kids, a nice home, regular vacations.
We could’ve had all of it, and I knew it. But instead of comforting me, the thought had made me feel suffocated.
“Miranda,” Robbie said. He shot Iris and Kira a look that clearly implied he’d prefer to speak to me in private. Kira started to stand up, but Iris grabbed her wrist with a sinister little grin and made sure she didn’t go anywhere.
“Hey, Robbie,” I said. It hadn’t been an ugly breakup, so I gave a smile I hoped was friendly. I didn’t have any reason to think we wouldn’t be able to transition to being friends, but we also hadn’t talked much since it had happened a couple of days ago. I’d explained my reasoning, and he’d done exactly what I’d expected. He’d understood. Robbie always understood.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. About us.”
“Robbie . . .” I blew out a long breath. “I know this is weird, but I think we—”
“She dumped you,” Cade said. I hadn’t even seen him coming, which was unusual, considering all the King brothers were ridiculously tall. He was standing on the bleachers below us now. “She’s just too nice to say she never wants to see you again. She doesn’t want you marinating in her friend zone. Because we all know you’d go home every night you thought she might’ve flirted with you and have a depressing little wank. Emphasis on little.”
“Cade,” I said. “Please, I can—”
Robbie’s lips tightened into a thin line. He had never been the confrontational type, so I wasn’t surprised when all he did was give me one subtle, questioning look.
“It’s not like that,” I said to Cade. “Since you don’t really know anything about what is going on, it’d be best if you kept out of it.”
“It would’ve also been best if nobody ever invented those big-ass spiders the size of your hand that hide under toilet seats,” Cade said. “But take a look at Australia. It’s hot as the world’s butthole, and that steamy taint is chock full of huge spiders, giant snakes, and kangaroos. I mean, what is the point of a kangaroo, even? Why have arms at all? Didn’t we learn anything from the T. rex, like—”
Iris gave me a quick smile and then pressed her palms into Cade’s chest. She started leading him down the bleachers like she was trying to move a massive boulder, which wasn’t too far from the truth—both in terms of the physical similarities and the mental deficiencies. Cade sighed and let the tiny woman move him away from us.