Ridley’s eyes shot up, ice freezing her veins in an instant. “Yeah? Well you never should have murdered an elemental.”
The look on his face told her she may as well have slapped him. She wasn’t even sure where the words had come from. They’d risen to her tongue without thought. Probably from that deep well of hurt buried within her. She shook her head, feeling sick and guilty. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“No, it’s … I deserved that. I …” Shen turned away, pushing a hand through his straight, sticking-up hair. “I didn’t know who it was. I didn’t know he was an elemental. I mean, he was talking to Archer Davenport. And why was he visible? I was on that roof the whole time Archer and his sister were in your store, and that man was totally visible walking down the street, into the alley, peering through the window by your back door. If he was an elemental sneaking around, he should have been using his magic to make himself invisible. Why didn’t he do that?”
Ridley frowned. She hadn’t considered that before. Perhaps the man had traveled far using his magic and was tired, the way she used to be after too much magic use, before she’d learned to properly let go. It didn’t matter. The fact that he was elemental didn’t matter. It would have been just as much of a tragedy if Shen had killed a non-elemental man.
“I guess it makes no difference,” Shen muttered, probably coming to the same conclusion as Ridley. “I’ve asked myself these questions over and over, but it doesn’t change anything. I’m still left with all this guilt. I tried to outrun it, but it turns out that’s not possible. I just have to live with it instead.”
“And keep doing what you can to help us,” Ridley said quietly. “Our revolution attempt failed, but that doesn’t mean we won’t try again. At least, I hope that’s not what it means. I don’t want our world to stay the way it is.”
“Neither do I.”
“Shen,” Mrs. Lin said, removing a pile of containers from the fridge. “Please organize some lunch for Ridley and yourself. You can use up these leftovers from last night. I’m going downstairs. Stay out of trouble.”
Shen’s serious expression became a fraction less serious. “She says that every time now.”
“For obvious reasons.” Mrs. Lin pinned her stern gaze on him. Then she moved it to Ridley. “And Ridley,” she added, “I know you’re worried about your father, but please don’t rush off on your own and do something silly. He wouldn’t want that.”
Ridley nodded. The last proper meal she’d had was at Mrs. Adams’ place, and she couldn’t remember the last sleep she’d had that wasn’t drug-induced. She was feeling horrible enough that it didn’t take much convincing to be responsible instead of reckless.
“Good,” Mrs. Lin said, patting Shen’s shoulder before she left the kitchen.
“Are your brothers around?” Ridley asked Shen. Based on how quiet the apartment was, she guessed the answer would be no.
“They’re at school,” Shen said. He opened one of the containers and investigated the contents.
“Oh, right. I’m having difficulty keeping up with the days of the week.” Ridley lowered herself to the chair again. This was a little weird, she decided. Sitting in a kitchen having an everyday conversation with Shen, given everything that had happened recently and everything that was still unknown. Despite feeling crappy, there was definitely a part of her that wanted to race off and do … something. “Um, when did you get back?” she asked. “Have you seen Meera?”
“Only a few days ago. And yes, I have seen Meera, although only from a distance. At the indoor rock wall, of all places.”
“Oh, really?”
“I went by the sports center yesterday. Just to kind of … watch from a distance. See who’s still there.” Shen removed two bowls from a cupboard. “Anyway, I saw Meera on the wall. Looks like she continued lessons without us.”
“That’s … kind of funny,” Ridley said with a small smile. “I didn’t think she liked it that much.”
“Yeah. I think … maybe she’s doing it because she misses us?”
“Maybe.” Guilt added itself to the sick feeling in Ridley’s stomach. “So you didn’t speak to her?”
“No. I haven’t figured out yet what to say.”
“I, uh … I tried to tell her everything.”
Shen looked around at her, eyebrows climbing. “Everything?”
“Well, about me, at least. Although … I think I mentioned you at one point. I was blurting out a lot of stuff, and I think one of the things I said was that you had to leave because of people like me. And then I showed her my magic.”
“You what?”
“But she didn’t give me a chance to say much after that. She didn’t want to know any of it. Told me she wanted to stay out of it all, for her family’s safety. Which I understand. Looking back … I don’t know. I thought telling her the truth was the right thing to do, but maybe it was just selfish.”
“Okay, that’s …” Shen leaned against the counter. “Now I really don’t know what to say to her.”
Ridley pulled her shoulders up toward her ears, indicating she didn’t really know either. “Maybe just acknowledge that you have secrets and ask if she wants to know them?”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
Shen continued dishing food into two bowls. Ridley leaned her elbows on the table and asked, “Hey, uh, do you have an old commscreen or commpad I can use? Just to see if my dad will reply if I send him a message. I know it’s unlikely, since he didn’t respond to your mom, but I just want to try.”
“We have all your old devices, remember? I think we have at least one commscreen that hasn’t even been switched on since you gave it to us.”
Ridley smiled. “Thank goodness for Wallace Academy and their insistence on handing out new devices every year to us poor scholarship students.”
They ate lunch together, Ridley trying to keep the conversation topics light, and Shen following her lead. They didn’t mention the elemental man Shen had killed, or Lawrence Madson, or the Shadow Society, or Archer. They didn’t speak of justice and whether Shen should have remained imprisoned for what he’d done. Mostly, they reminisced about old times, because that was easier.
Afterward, before Ridley fell asleep on the couch, she switched on the old commscreen Shen pulled out of a cupboard and sent a message to her father.
* * *
Dad, this is Ridley. Please let me know where you are.
24
Ridley barely stirred the entire afternoon. When she did wake up, the first thing she reached for was the commscreen. But there was no reply from her father.
“Feeling any better?” Shen asked as he walked into the living room with a pair of shoes in one hand.
“Much better. Thanks.” Except for the fact that she could now clearly feel that sense of urgency again. That quiet insistence that she should be doing something instead of just sitting here.