First loves.
The plural has me struggling not to picture both Akara and Banks. And I struggle even more not to share all that’s happened with Beckett.
He’s the one person I’d always confide in. Where everyone else has their number ones. Their friendship groups. Beckett is my person. And now he’s just…not.
I settle with, “You’re not going to ask what Charlie has on me?”
“I thought about it,” Beckett says, “but I don’t really deserve your secrets, and I think I need to earn this one.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose harder, emotion trying to swell up. “I’m so fucking bad at friendships,” I mutter to myself, but I know he can hear. And I ask, “Have I shut you out too long? Am I being unreasonable?”
“Yes,” Charlie says.
“No,” Beckett tells me on the phone. “I love you, Sulli, because you don’t take any bullshit, and I flung a lot of shit at you.” He sounds choked up. “I’m not any better at friendships, you know. I compete with every guy at my company. I have protective blinders up every time I talk to someone. Like they can’t see below the bottoms of my eyelashes. I’m tired…so fucking tired of feeling on guard all the time. You’re my best friend. I don’t have to have any blinders with you.” Except when it comes to cocaine.
He’s never talked to me about it. I don’t know if he will ever confide in me. It hurts to think we could become friends again, but not like before. Not the kind of friends who’d share everything in our lives.
The pain in my chest blossoms like an ugly glower. “I have to go,” I say suddenly.
“Okay. I understand.” I hear him take an audible breath, but his voice sounds tight. “Tell Charlie he’s an asshole for me.”
“Will fucking do.”
“Bye, Sul.”
“Bye, Beckett.” I hang up and rise to a full stance.
Charlie stares from me to the cell in my hand like he can manifest his brother in this bait & tackle shop.
“We’re even,” I say.
Charlie’s lips press together, and then he says, “For every day I have to keep your secret, you have to call my brother.”
Anger flares. “That wasn’t the deal, Charlie.”
“It’s a new deal.” He pulls a sweater over his head, the color of winterberries. While he fits his arms through the holes, he adds, “Take it or leave it. It’s up to you.”
I have a feeling he’ll just find a new creative way to get me to talk to Beckett if I don’t.
And anyway, this deal is in my favor. I have more reassurance that he won’t tell anyone about the kiss. Not if there’s something consistently in it for him.
He has to know he gave me some power. Maybe he even wanted that.
I don’t try to descend inside Charlie’s head. All I do is hold out my pinky finger. “Deal.”
He stares at my finger.
Rolling his eyes, Charlie locks his pinky with mine.
33
BANKS MORETTI
Charlie Cobalt saw Akara and Sulli kiss.
Fuck my motherfucking life.
I’ll admit a seed of jealousy was planted somewhere on this trip, but it barely grew. It was a sprout.
My little sprout-ling of jealousy just ate fertilizer and grew into a giant beanstalk with the world’s longest thorns. And somehow, it’s growing inside me. Twisting around my organs.
Green doesn’t even look good on me. I prefer blue. But I can’t help it. I’m stupidly envious.
Truth: I wish Charlie caught me kissing Sulli. It wouldn’t solve a goddamn thing, but it’d help the knot in my throat.
“This doesn’t change anything,” Akara whispers as the three of us hike through the dense woods. He carries Sulli’s rope on his arm while Sulli grips her harness and a water bottle, sweat dripping down her temples. She just finished practicing Rattlesnake Knuckle for the day.
And everyone from the RV camp was there watching. Her cousins. And Oscar, Thatcher, Farrow. I was quietly pissy and in my feelings, but only Thatcher and Akara could tell. Sulli probably could more once she was on the ground.
Now that the RV glampers are off to their cushy pads, Akara is ready for my “silent brooding” to end and he’s pushing me to talk about it. So now I have to talk about the green monster inside me. He already knows it’s there.
While we pass towering tree after tree, Akara tells me, “Charlie’s not going to tell anyone as long as Sulli keeps calling Beckett.”
“And I will keep calling,” Sulli assures me. “I’m following through.”
Tendons in my shoulders and neck pull taut. Still tensed, I whack a branch out of my face. “Even if you call Beckett every minute of the day, I don’t trust Charlie to keep his word.” And then what—everyone knows Akara and Sulli kissed. My chances with her have plummeted to the darkest depths of the deep sea.
I knew my chances already existed there.
I’ve been chasing rejection from the start. But it doesn’t change the despair inside me, which feels like a fatal wound, the final blow.
“Hey, I barely trust Charlie too,” Akara admits in a friendly tone, “but it doesn’t change things between the three of us.” He’s still trying to deescalate my jealousy.
A rough laugh sticks to my throat. “If this is a race, Akara, you’re at the fucking finish line.”
“That’s not true.” Sulli stops in her tracks on the slope of a wooded hill.
Akara and I halt further down the incline and turn to face her.
She gives me a hard look, then Akara. “I’m not going to base this decision on what other people know. If I did, I would have picked Banks days ago when Akara friend-zoned me in front of everyone.” Her gaze hits mine. “And Jane thinks you like me.”
Akara whips his head to me. “Did you tell Jane something?”
I honestly can’t remember what I said to Jane at the motel.
“No,” I say, then scowl in a grimace. “I told my brother Sulli and I kissed—”
“You idiot,” Akara snaps.
“Hey, hey.” Sulli races down the hill. Coming between us fast, she puts a hand to my chest and then Akara’s. We’re actually not moving in towards each other. We’re just glaring. But I’m not gonna move the mermaid. I like her where she is.
To Akara, I say, “That was ages ago. Back at the motel before I even knew you two kissed.”
Akara’s shoulders slacken, relaxing.
I add, “My brother promised he wouldn’t tell anyone. Not even Jane. She probably just thinks I like Sulli because I do. I’m not as good at hiding my feelings as you.”
Akara runs his fingers through his hair, then mumbles, “I guess that’s true.”
“If it makes you feel any better,” Sulli says to Akara, “if my little sister knew about this situation, she’d be cheering with Akara Kitsuwon pom-poms.” Before my stomach plummets at that news, she swings her head to me. “And Jane’s firmly Team Banks.”
Yeah, I’m smiling.
Akara makes a face. “There are teams?”
“Unofficial fucking ones,” Sulli pats our chests. “Just so we’re clear, I’m Team Akara and Team Banks right now. Equally.”