Ashton starts to pull away as my parents approach, both of them horror-stricken, but I tighten my grip on his hand. I can’t do this. Not alone. I can’t do this.
Mom sits beside me, taking my other hand as Dad kneels in front of me. Tears of dread pool in my eyes, leaking without my permission.
“Oh, honey,” Mom says, her voice shaking. “Oh, my sweet, sweet boy.”
“I’m s-sorry,” I choke out. “I d-didn’t mean t-to.”
Dad ruffles my hair, pressing his forehead to mine. “Brayden, Ben’s death was not your fault.”
A sob tears its way out of me. I can hear it echoed in both my mother and Mia. I can’t look at them. I’m ensnared in my father’s fierce glare.
“It was my fault,” I whisper, admitting to him what I’ve wanted to say for years. “It was all my fault.”
“No,” Mom hisses. “It was not your fault. I will not have you drowning in this guilt, thinking you’re responsible.”
“But I was!” I cry out, my heart aching. “You told us to stay inside while you went Christmas shopping. It was too cold to play outside, but I took him anyway.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “He got pneumonia because I took him in that cold weather. It was me. I did this to him. Your son is dead because of me.”
“Nonsense,” Dad barks out. “What happened to Ben was an accident. An unfortunate one. He’d been suffering from chronic colds for years.”
“But I took him outside,” I argue. “He wouldn’t have gotten sick if it weren’t for me!”
“I refuse to believe that,” Dad states. “He’d already had two bouts of bronchitis at Halloween and then Thanksgiving. His lungs were failing him. The pneumonia was a sad inevitability. It’s not your fault his little body was too weak. Not your fault.”
“But—” I start, but Mom shushes me and squeezes my hand.
“Not your fault,” she says. “Your brother adored you. Worshipped you, Brayden. Why do you think he never played sports himself? He wasn’t cut out for it because he was too sickly. Maybe you don’t remember this about Ben, but it’s the truth. He loved that his brother was strong and athletic and played hockey like a champ. The fact you gave him one last chance to play and be a kid was the best gift he’s ever gotten. We love you, Brayden, but we won’t allow you to take the blame anymore. Ben died loving you and thinking the world of you, as he should. It’s time to live up to those big brother expectations.”
Mom pulls me to her and I release Ashton’s hand to cling to her. I think back to all the times in our childhood. How I never got sick, but Ben caught everything. The flu, fevers, respiratory infections. He missed school a lot, whereas I always had perfect attendance. Maybe he really was sick and I never realized just how much.
“It hurts,” I whimper. “It’s hurt for so long.”
“No more hurting alone, baby,” Mom murmurs. “You have your daddy and me. You always have. And now you have Mia, Ashton, and Drew. No one wants to watch you suffer. We want you to let go of that guilt and be happy. Had Daddy and I realized it was this that has been eating you up all these years, we would’ve had this conversation a long time ago. It’s time to heal, sweetheart. We’re here to help you.”
The weight that always crushes down on me feels lighter.
“I’m sorry,” Mia says, leaning her head against my shoulder. “Please don’t hate me. I just couldn’t watch you kill yourself over this any longer.”
It’s then I realize Ashton has pulled her into his lap and her hand now covers my hand he’s holding.
“I could never hate you,” I tell her. “Ever. I love you.”
She smiles and presses a kiss to my lips. “I love you too, Bray.”
“For the record, I love you too,” Ashton says. “I think I fell in love with your ass before your heart, but all that matters now is I love both.”
We all laugh.
I lean forward and capture his mouth with mine. “I love you, Ashton.”
It’s bittersweet to share this moment without Drew. More guilt flings my way, but without the burden of thinking Ben’s death is all my fault and that my parents would hate me, it’s a little easier to bear. Drew’s condition is out of my control, just like Ben’s was. All I can do is pray to God Drew will make it out of this alive.
“You kids look exhausted,” Mom says. “Why don’t you go home and nap? Daddy will stay here with Drew while I cook up some supper. I think after some rest and a good home-cooked meal, you all will feel better. Okay?”
I give my mom a quick kiss on her tearstained cheek. “Okay. I’ll take these crybabies home and put them to bed.”
Ashton laughs. “Says the guy with snot running down his nose.”
Smirking at him, I swipe at my nose with my middle finger.
We all laugh again, and fuck if it doesn’t feel good.
I wake to a boner against my ass. It’s dark out, but a quick glance at the clock tells me it won’t be for long. I’m physically and emotionally drained. While my secret about Ben had been revealed to my parents and we were able to work through those emotions, it did nothing for the state Drew is in. He’s still not here with us where he belongs.
I can’t believe he was going to leave us.
And now he might leave us for good.
Imagining a life without Drew makes my stomach churn. He’s always been a part of my life, and recently he’s been a vital part. Like an artery that runs through my body. Without him, I’ll bleed out, suffering without his love and life running through me. I know Mia and Ashton feel just as connected. The three of us are suffering without Drew. We need him. And when he wakes up, we’ll remind him that he needs us too.
School.
Hockey.
NHL.
Careers.
Nothing matters in the grand scheme. I’d give up everything to keep Drew right here with us. We’re a foursome and we can’t function missing a quarter of us. Every piece is necessary for our happiness.
When he wakes up, I’ll do everything in my damn power to convince him. I know Ashton and Mia will be right there with me. We’ll kidnap him if we have to. Ashton would probably be into it, the little freak.
“Thoughts. Loud. You forget I can practically hear inside your head,” Ashton says, flexing his hips so I’ll feel his morning wood. “You okay?”
“Just thinking,” I murmur, not wanting to wake Mia.
“We’re going to get him back,” he says, caressing my abs and kissing my shoulder. “You know that, right?”
If he’ll ever wake up, I’m certain we’ll persuade him.
“Yeah, I know.” I turn my head to meet him for a kiss. “And then we’re going to get a bigger bed because your boner is not a good alarm clock.”
“I beg to differ,” he argues, rubbing against me again. “Feels pretty good to me.”
A girlish giggle has me smiling.
“I think boner alarm clocks are the best alarm clocks,” our girl says, scooting close to me. She presses a kiss to my lips.
I hold her to me, enjoying the way Ashton clings to me from behind. All we’re missing is Drew. I’d thought, at one time, that it might be strange or crowded seeing three people at the same time, but it turns out that when one of us is missing, it’s cold and empty.