I thought my mom and dad were great examples of young working, but I know now about all the bumps they had along the way. Because my dad was a famous soccer star for a brief moment in time, Google isn’t my friend. It helped me find out a lot that I don’t think they were ready for me to know.
You’re only fourteen, I sign.
Exactly. Don’t you want to have your first kiss?
Did you kiss her? I cringe and I wish my dislike for her wasn’t so obvious. I only met Callie once, when the weather was nice by the lake. I took Isla down there to feed the ducks and Linus and Callie were lying on a blanket like two fifty-year-olds, having a picnic. Maybe if he wanted a kiss, he should’ve taken her there at twilight.
He answers my question with a nod.
What was it like?
I’ve never kissed a boy. There’s this guy, Zane, at my school for the deaf in Anchorage. He just transferred in this year from the mainstream public. But I’m not ready to share anything about him with Linus yet.
I was too scared and nervous to know. It’s a blur. Maybe that’s why she broke up with me.
I squeeze his forearm. No way. How many guys could she have kissed?
I don’t even want to know. If it’s a lot, then I hate to say it, but she’s definitely not the girl for Linus. I always pictured him with a sweet girl. An inexperienced girl. A girl who fell for his gentle nature, because Linus is going to treat his girlfriend like a prized possession.
Anyway, I got the pictures. He slides out the packages of pictures. Took me forever to print them.
Linus and I are in charge of arranging the pictures in the shape of a nine and a zero for the party. We spent all last weekend scouring pictures of Great-Grandma’s life.
I lean back in the booth and flip through them. I find one of her and our great-grandpa, who we never met. It’s actually a picture of her ice skating and my great-grandpa watching her from afar. It’s the look on his face that makes me think true love might exist.
I’m not even sure why I’m so cynical about love. Everyone I know is married to who they say is their true love. And Zane makes my stomach all fluttery like movies and books say should happen. But then I think of Great-Grandma Dori and how she’s spent so much of her life without my great-grandpa, and I wonder if she prefers it that way. She’s in charge of her life and doesn’t let anyone tell her how she should live it.
Linus taps my hand. Stop.
What?
Stop thinking about how you never want to be tied down to someone.
Yep, that’s why Linus is like no other boy. He remembers conversations we had that didn’t revolve around sports, video games, or girls. He was there when I Googled my dad for the first time. When I found all the rumors and the truth they hadn’t told me. My dad was arrested for drunk driving on the same day I was born—but not in Lake Starlight. He was in Scotland. Linus stood by my side when I confronted my parents. He was there when they told me everything that happened. And he sat in my room as I stared out my bedroom window, wrapping my head around the news.
He bends down so I look at him. It exists. Look where they are now.
I know he’s right, but it doesn’t change how I feel about being lied to. Let’s just do this. We have to complete this and… I stop mid-sentence because Linus is waving his hands at me.
When I turn, I find Great-Grandma walking in with Evie. I slyly gather the pictures and put them in envelopes without them seeing.
“Linus! Palmer!” I read Great-Grandma’s lips. I think she might be yelling because I see Linus cringe.
We each file out of the booth because we know what to expect. She shuffles over and hugs us into her over-perfumed blouse. At least we’re both taller than her now, so our heads no longer get smashed into her chest. After she releases us, I look at a very unhappy Evie.
What’s wrong? I sign.
She grabs Great-Grandma’s hand and holds it tightly. “It’s my night with her.”
I stifle a laugh.
“We were about to go anyway,” Linus says to her, still signing for me.
He shoves the pictures into his backpack and digs out his wallet to pay for the fries. Damn, I really wanted to get a pie while we were here, but I get Evie’s reaction. I understand how lost you can feel in a family our size. There’s only one Great-Grandma.
I kiss Great-Grandma’s cheek. See you on—see you later.
Linus kisses our grandma’s cheek. After we each say goodbye to a now-happy Evie, we walk toward the exit.
I sign to Linus, I feel like an ass.
He shakes his head. We all know she knows.
Just then, Great-Grandma must call Linus’s name because he touches my forearm to stop us. He nods toward her and we turn.
She signs, Black and white is so much nicer than color.
I realize Linus is right, so I decide to play with her a little. For what?
She narrows her eyes at us, and I laugh, linking my arm through Linus’s and turning us to leave before Great-Grandma throws a pie in my face. As we open the door, I plow right into a hard chest. I look up and sigh when I discover it’s my dad.
He lifts his hands and I wish I could put them in cement. Linus, give us a minute.
Linus nods and heads around the corner to the gazebo.
Can we talk?
I shrug.
Your mother is worried. She thinks we waited too long and now you’re somehow scarred for life. You’re too young to realize it, but love is complicated. I handled everything wrong and I’ve made my amends.
I look away, but Dad takes my chin in his thumb and his forefinger, pulling my face back to meet his gaze.
It’s enough, Palmer. You were eighteen months old when all this went down. I’m not sure why you think your entire life is a lie. The fact that your mother and I love one another, that we raised you in a loving home, gave you everything you wanted, seems to count for nothing to you now.
His hands move faster the madder he gets, but I’m reading his lips too.
I sign, You guys lied.
We lied by omission, and we always planned to tell you. You just beat us to it. Yeah, we probably waited too long and should have realized you’d Google me at some point, but your mother is broken, and I will not have it. Be mad at me. I’m the one who allowed her to leave.
I place my hands on his to stop him from signing. She left you when you needed help. You let her leave when she was pregnant. What does that say about love?
He’s already shaking his head. Love is complicated. But I will not allow your mother to be upset over this. We forgave one another a long time ago. End of story.
I have to go work on the project for Grandma’s party. I huff and cross my arms. I turn to leave, but he lightly grabs my elbow.
You need to process this and flush it. Do you hear me? I will give you until Saturday. He has his “mad Dad” face.
I say nothing, and he heads into the diner. As predicted, he’s buying a pie for my mom because she’s upset.
I get that this whole thing has upset her, but I’m upset too. I have no idea how to process the fact that my dad was a drunk and my mom left when she was pregnant with me. The first eighteen months of my life were spent without my father. How am I supposed to get over that?
5
Brinley Kelly
(Fifteen and a half years old)
Savannah and Liam’s Daughter