My world came crashing down around me today. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Kade tried to stop me from opening that door, but it was too late. I cannot unsee the image of my brother’s lifeless, decaying body sprawled out on his bed, bloody chunks splattered on the pillows and across the headboard. It’s a sight no person should have to see, especially when it’s someone they love.
Right now, I envy Kade. He never saw Deacon’s body; therefore, he’s free of the horror that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I want to scream. I want to punch something. I want to cry. I want to go back four months and never leave my brother’s side. My gut was telling me something was off, but Deacon masked his torment so well, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. The more I pushed, the more upset he would get, so I backed off. I chose to trust his word, to believe him when he told me he was fine—even when my gut said otherwise.
Kade and I have been sitting in his car for the past hour. He’s allowing me time to gather what little strength I have before walking through the door to my parents’ house. My poor parents still think their son is alive and is off at some retreat working on his mental health. How do I break the news to them? Do I just blurt out ‘Deacon is dead,’ like ripping off a Band-Aid, or do I take my time? Who am I kidding? There is no easy way to break this tragic news to them.
“Brit, I can be the one to tell your parents,” Kade offers for the tenth time. I’m about ready to bite his head off when approaching headlights catch my attention. At first, I’m afraid it’s one of the officers or Deacon’s superiors coming to the house to check on the family, but when the car pulls up beside us, I see it’s Sydnee. Thank God!
“Did you—”
“Text your best friend? Yes. But Sydnee doesn’t know yet. She only knows that you need her. Brit, you’re not in this alone. I’m begging you, please don’t shut me out.”
Kade’s plea is like a knife to my already broken heart. He loved Deacon like a brother. He not only lost his best friend and partner. He lost a family member too. I should be consoling him as he has been trying to do for me. God, I feel like such an asshole.
The tap on my window turns my attention to Sydnee, who’s standing outside my door. I point to the back seat, and she nods, opening the back door, and sliding into the middle spot so she can see both me and Kade.
“What’s going on? Why do you both look like you just lost your best friend?” Her poor choice of words is not her fault. My tears begin to glide freely over my cheeks. I have yet to find my voice to tell her about Deacon. If it’s this hard to tell my best friend, I don’t know how I’m going to get out the words that are like acid on my tongue and deliver the news to my parents—that will change their lives. “Come on, guys. Seriously, what’s going on?” Her tone is more urgent than before.
I look over to Kade for help and he understands what I’m asking without saying the words.
“Syd, Deacon is dead.” Kade’s words are direct, conveyed bluntly, leaving no room for misunderstanding.
“Fuck you. That’s not funny, asshole.” She doesn’t believe Kade. Hell, I’ve seen Deacon’s dead body, and I still don’t want to believe Kade. “B, stop fucking around. This is not a funny joke by any means.”
Turning in my seat to fully face Sydnee is the only way I can confirm the words that will break her heart; my eyes don’t lie to her. A few seconds pass, but it feels like an eternity before her facial features begin to contort right before my eyes.
“No. No, no, no, no. You two are playing some sick fucking joke, and Deacon is going to jump in this fucking car and scare the shit out of me, right?”
Shaking my head no is my best friend’s undoing.
Syd’s eyes narrow with anger, and as her face tenses when she presses her lips together tightly, still thinking we’re playing an unfathomable joke on her. If I was her, I would hope it was a fucked-up joke instead of reality. Then, her eyes go wide in disbelief, finally coming to her own conclusion that we aren’t joking. Sydnee’s lips begin to quiver and her eyes fill with tears as the news of Deacon’s death sinks in.
Even though Deacon broke things off with her because of his ridiculous pact with Kade, she hoped that one day he would get his head out of his ass, go back to her, marry her, have six children, and adopt senior dogs to give them a safe and loving home to live out the rest of their days. But her dream, her future, has been crushed in a matter of seconds.
She cries out as if she’s in physical pain, sending Dexter into a frenzy of circles in the back. Sydnee slides between the two front seats and sits on my lap, holding me tightly, while Kade’s hand rests on my forearm. At this point, everyone in the car is crying, including the dog.
It takes us a while to compose ourselves enough to face my parents. I tell Kade to put Dexter on the side of the house where my childhood dogs used to play.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I confess. My entire body is shaking and when Sydnee grabs my hand, I feel her shaking too as she wipes the tears from her mascara-stained face.
“We’re right here with you, B. If you can’t, I will find a way to tell them,” Sydnee offers.
“No. Britney, please let me do this for you. Yes, it’s different because it’s personal for me, but I have had to do this twice before. I can separate my feelings long enough to tell your parents about D. After that, there are no guarantees on how long I can hold my shit together.”
Looking up at Kade, a sharp shooting pain blows through my chest when my eyes meet his bloodshot eyes. As much as I want to be strong for my parents, I’m not—I can’t be—so I concede and give Kade a nod.
Like any other day, I walk into the house without knocking and call out for my parents. When I don’t get a response, I call out once again, this time a little louder.
“We’re in the library, dear,” my mom hollers back. “Is your brother with you? We haven’t heard from him in days.”
I freeze where I’m standing, unable to move my feet in the direction of the library. My chest tightens and my hands begin to tingle. As I stand here like a statue, my head feels like a helium balloon ready to float off into the air, and before I can say anything, the light around me begins to fade and darkness consumes me.
I open my eyes to a room softly lit from the cracked open door across from the bed. Sitting up in a panic, I try to take in my surroundings. Something or someone stirs at the end of the bed. Reaching over to the nightstand, I find the lamp and turn it on. It takes me a few seconds to focus, and that’s when I recognize I’m in my old bedroom at my parents’ house. Glancing down at the end of the bed, I see Dexter, who lifts his head to watch me. It’s like he’s trying to gauge my current state of mind.
Everything that happened today comes rushing back, hitting me like a freight train. Dexter scrambles to get in my lap when I begin to cry and hyperventilate at the same time. Unable to comfort me, Dexter jumps from the bed and runs out of the room. I swing my legs over the edge of my bed and bend at the waist to try to slow my breathing. In no time at all, Kade comes barreling into my room and kneels down in front of me.
“Focus on my voice, Brit. Breathe slower,” he tells me. I want to say it’s easier said than done, but I can’t calm my breathing long enough to get the words out. “Here.” He grabs my hand and places it on his chest. “Breathe slower, Brit. Concentrate and breathe with me. Breathe with me.” Kade repeats himself a few more times until my breath syncs with his. Every slow breath he takes, I take. It’s not long before I finally feel like I have air back in my lungs. I slowly sit upright and notice Dexter is seated beside Kade, and the concerned look on Kade’s face hurts my heart.