I collapse to my knees at his feet, holding him, begging. “Taron, just let me try—”
“No!” He shouts, cutting me off. His eyes close, and the muscle in his jaw flexes as he inhales slowly, exhales and stares straight into my eyes, jaw clenched. “I want you to go home, Noel. I want you to leave.”
My insides crumble. “I can’t do that…” My voice breaks on my tears, but he grips my upper arms hard, dragging me to my feet.
“Yes. You. Can.”
“You’re hurting me.” Tears stream down my cheeks, and I see the break in his eyes. “Why are you doing this?”
“When I get back. I want you gone.” He releases me with a little shove. His brow lowers, and he turns away, going to the door. “Find someone who deserves you. It’s not me.”
“It is—”
“NO.” He’s in my face, his hot breath on my closed eyes. “I don’t want you here.” Every word is a stinging lash to my already bleeding heart. “It’s over, Noel. Go. Home.”
Sitting by the window on the airplane, I look out across the gray clouds obscuring the horizon. My small carry-on is overhead, and on the outside, I appear like any other traveler. But in my heart, a tornado has touched down, and it’s spinning and demolishing everything. With the speed of sound, his voice digs deeper, ripping trees from the ground, tangling its fingers around my soul and pulling by the roots…
My brother puts his arm around me and drives me home from the airport. My vision is clouded by the storm raging in my chest. It won’t stop until everything is destroyed.
The house is dark. My brother speaks, but I can’t hear the words. I go to my room and shut the door.
Aftershocks
Noel
I sit in the chair facing my window. Akela puts her head on my lap, but I don’t lift my hand. Inside the tornado has passed, but it’s silent.
No survivors.
So she drops down to the floor at my feet, waiting like a sphynx, her eyes fixed on the window where he’d come, guarding me as if she knows I’m not here.
Inside my chest, the path of destruction is miles wide, splintered throughout, written in his hand, with his words. I can’t feel my heart beat. I only feel sharp stabs of broken wreckage. A wasteland where my dreams once grew green and thriving.
Empty.
Ravaged and torn.
The sun still rises, shining through my windows as if I don’t exist, as if the world has forgotten what once flowered here. I’m left to fade away like a house covered in vines and shadows, better things to think about, happier things to see.
Inside is silence.
My brother comes to me. His face is worried as he sits beside me and holds my hand. He knows I’m not the same. Does he know my heart is missing?
I think it stopped beating.
I think it was destroyed.
Souls, bones…
“You’ve got to get up, Noel. You’ve got to keep going.” Sawyer’s voice is quiet, strained.
Do I? Why?
More time passes, I don’t know how much. I lose count of the times the sun appears in my window, the indifferent sun. The hateful day. The cold night.
My best friend comes. She talks to me. She helps me in the shower and waits as I move my hands and arms, washing away the invisible dirt.
She brushes my hair and talks to me about school and the holidays. She talks about going out and football games and the old lady I used to visit.
I’ve grown old. On the outside I look the same, but inside is old and dried out. Gray wood, brittle to touch and covered in cobwebs.
Akela stays at my feet watching the window. Waiting.
Leon brings me food. He talks to me about the weather. He says when it’s not so cold, he’ll take me outside. The warm air, the sun will help me feel better. He’s afraid.
“You need to get up now.” Leon stands in front of me, angry in a way I’ve never seen. “This isn’t who you are.”
It’s not?
My father lived for love. I lived for this love.
I waited for it to come, and when it did, I gave it everything.
Now it’s gone.
Leon leaves angry.
My eyes go to the window and pain claws at my empty chest. This empty shell still has the ability to feel.
Rising to my feet, I go to the glass and slide it open. Akela follows at my side as I step through the opening like a portal to the past.
Walking along the porch in my bare feet, I go down to the yard and walk out to the hill with the trees stretching up to the sky. Open palms, grasping fingers.
The sweet scent is gone, and the air is cold and dry.
I stand looking down on my daddy’s house. What is left when you lose something so precious? Something irreplaceable?
A quiet breeze moves through the trees, sliding my hair off my shoulders. Akela sits at my feet and waits. I strain my eyes to find the answer, to see the bend in the road ahead.
All I see is black.
“Daddy?” I squint into the darkness.
I want to go to him. I want to be free of this pain crushing my bones to powder. No one warned me pain could be this deep. No one told me not to give myself completely to another.
Going farther into the trees, the cold settles against my skin. I find the biggest one to sit against, my back against the wood, and let it pull me closer.
My daddy’s presence is with me here, and I close my eyes. His sadness matches mine. He understands my loss. I want to take his hand and go with him to a place of peace. I want to be released from this misery.
“Noel?” My brother’s face is stricken, panicked.
He lifts me off my feet like a doll lost in the woods. My bare feet dangle over his arms, bouncing with every step. He goes quickly to my room and tucks me into my bed, pushing the blankets tight around my sides.
He calls someone, and I expect my friend to return. Instead it’s Mrs. Jenny.
Her dark head is over mine, her dark eyes stern. She takes me into the bathroom and puts me in the shower, and while I go through the motions, she digs in the cabinets.
“How long has it been?”
I’m confused as she holds up a box of tampons. How should I know? Time has passed? She leaves, and I return to my chair, my dog returns to my feet watching.
More time passes… I think.
I was with my daddy. He was going to tell me something. What was it?
Mrs. Jenny is back. Worried faces. She takes my arm and leads me into the bathroom, turning me and holding a plastic stick at my face.
“Pee on this end.”
I do as she says even if it makes no sense. Doesn’t she know? Everything inside me has died. He tore it all out by the roots and put salt on the earth. Nothing will ever grow here.
Back in my bedroom, I’m staring at my daddy across from me. He understands.
He gives me permission…
“Noel Aveline?” Mrs. Jenny is back at my side, her voice strong and commanding. “You are going to be a mother. You have to stop this. You hear me?”
My brow furrows, and I blink once, twice. I turn my head slowly to look at her, and something nudges at my empty chest.
“Get up and stand on your feet. Your life has a bigger purpose now.”
A mother?
My daddy’s image fades. Slowly, slowly he drifts into the silence and my mother’s scent is here.