“And that is how this will end. I’ll touch my lips without thinking about it because I remembered how you kissed me in the trailer and stripped me of my clothes. The public will see because now they’ve seen us together and they need answers. They’ll do anything to put the pieces together even if it means putting them together wrong. Then that smile that teases my lips will disappear when I remember what it felt like to be fucked by you while your wife called. Separated or not the vows you said are still valid. Then the feeling in my stomach will weigh me down and all that’s left will be guilt. Want to know why, Corbin?”
The tip of his tongue runs across his bottom lip as he gets even closer. His body heat wraps around me like a weighted blanket that holds me down. Except the anxiety of the truth heightens instead of eases.
A tear slips down my cheek. “Because I know that I am so fucking stupid for loving you despite it all.”
The crack of my voice ends my rant because I know I won’t be able to keep talking before I break. Then the only person able to collect the pieces is a man far more broken than me.
A married man.
A former friend.
The end of me.
His hand finds my face, but I find the energy to brush it off. “Do you mean that?”
I part my lips but only manage to shake my head, backing away in retreat. If there was a white flag, I’d wave it. I’d do anything to take back those words and leave them buried inside to suffocate me like they have for over nine years.
A fucking decade I’ve lied to myself.
I’ve denied myself the truth.
For what? For this? For him? I don’t get a chance to ask because we’re suddenly in the same embrace that I’ve told myself I’m not allowed to be in—the same situation I’ve insisted on pretending I didn’t want.
But I did.
And I do.
And I hate myself more for it than I do him.
When he kisses me, it’s cemented.
We’re going to hell.
Chapter Twenty-One
Kinley / 17
The auditorium is full for the last night of the play, making a permanent smile plaster my face. Closing the corner of the curtain I’m peeking through, I step back into the backstage mayhem as everyone finishes dressing and practicing before it starts in twenty minutes.
Diane, the senior in charge of everything, stops in front of me red-faced and out of breath. She tries speaking but gets nothing out except a raspy breath. The hand clenching her clipboard that people make fun of her for shoots up, her pointer finger gesturing for me to give her a minute to collect herself.
Blinking as she bends over and breathes heavily for a solid fifteen seconds, I glance around looking for Corbin’s familiar face. Turns out, so is Diane.
“Where is he?”
“Uh…”
Her eyes widen in horror. “Kinley, where is our leading role? You’re always together. You have to know where your boyfriend is.”
I eye the clock. Fifteen minutes until showtime. “I’m not sure?” Wincing when she makes a startled noise, I add, “I’m sure he’s around here somewhere. He was supposed to be back an hour and a half ago—”
She chokes out, “Back?”
Now my nerves are rising. “Everyone knows he started rehearsals for the movie he’s in. He goes to the capital region to run lines with everyone before they start shooting next week. He goes a few times a week after school. I’m sure—”
Diane’s eyes grow dark. “He signed up for this first! He can’t just bail on the last night. What’s wrong with him?”
My throat dries. He wouldn’t bail on it but telling her wouldn’t make much of a difference when she’s in freak out mode. I do my best to smile reassuringly, but she storms off yelling for the understudy whose name I don’t recognize.
Pulling out my phone, I shoot Corbin a text asking where he is. He kissed me goodbye before leaving last period and said he had a busy afternoon. He made it sound like he’d be back though, and I believe it.
I wait for a response.
When a few minutes go by, everyone in the back starts running around and trying their best to prepare the new lead. I gnaw on my thumbnail and stare between my message app and the time in the righthand corner of my screen.
“Anything?” Diana asks as she flies past me.
All I can do is shake my head.
Corbin wouldn’t miss tonight. I know it.
He promised.
When I step down from the stage to search the crowd for Zach, who I bribed to come see the last performance in trade of attending his last game, I spot him with a few of his teammates. My feet guide me past peers and families who I try to smile to and wave at like I’m not having a tiny panic attack.
Zach stands up and pulls me in for a tight hug as soon as I get to the end seat he claimed. I manage to hug him back and pull away with a smile that may not look totally pathetic.
“Happy birthday, Kinley.”
I roll my eyes. “You already said that today. Three times. And you bought me a Pop Tart from the vending machine.”
It was stale, but the thought counted.
He winks. “Just making sure everyone knows. Plus, you hated that Pop Tart. You should have seen your face after the first bite.”
Blushing, I brush it off. “Anyway, have you heard from Corbin? Diane is about to have a heart attack because he’s not here yet.”
He pulls his phone out and glances at it quick. “He hasn’t texted me. I wouldn’t worry about it, Kin. You know he’ll pull through.”
My head nods, but I feel a bit of doubt creep into the cracks of my conscious. Guilt follows it, gluing the spaces closed as I wave at him and his buddies. They all start singing happy birthday obnoxiously loud, causing a few confused audience members to join in.
Rushing backstage while they laugh and sing, I do another search of the mass of people lining up and flattening their costumes into perfection. Diane eyes me but must see the helplessness on my face because she focuses on the guy in Corbin’s usual costume.
I look at my phone and then shoot him another text, wondering if he’s busy driving and unable to text me back. He told me he’d be back by six. It’s going on seven now. A hundred different reasons swirl in my head as to why he isn’t here. An accident. A blown tire. Maybe he got tied up with the cast.
Someone yells a five-minute warning.
The buzz among the cast as they ask about Corbin causes Diane to throw her hands up and storm away. The teacher in charge of Drama Club assures everyone that Peter, the understudy, will fill in for Corbin for this performance.
Frowning, I peer back out at the crowd and catch Zach’s eye. I shake my head and he does the same and lifts his hands as if to tell me he’s sorry for not knowing either. He mouths something but I can’t figure out what. Drawing back, I dial Corbin’s number and listen to it ring and ring and ring.
It goes to voicemail.
Swallowing, I take a deep breath and remember what he told me at lunch. He would take me out for my birthday after the play. My parents weren’t very happy about how late that’d be, but he promised to have me back by eleven thirty. Surprisingly, Gavin got them to agree.
When Zach ran up to me as soon as we got to school and wished me a happy seventeenth birthday, Corbin froze up but smiled and squeezed my hand. It made me wonder if he’d forgotten. As he walked me to homeroom like usual, he told me he had my presents at his house that he’d give me when he took me out to celebrate.