“Look, I need to tell you something,” I whispered before settling in my seat. Blakely might kill me, but Lance deserved the truth—or at least the amount of truth I was willing to give him.
“Blakely’s mom wasn’t very good to her. She tells you the fluffy shit because she wants you to have something good to hold onto, but man, she’s been through some fucked up stuff.” We both let my statement permeate the air for a moment, weighing us both down. I breathed in once. Twice. Blakely didn’t want Lance knowing just how bad it was, but maybe it wasn’t her call to make.
“I got that impression,” Lance gritted before turning right on a street and parking. Leaning forward, he braced his head against his hands, and I watched him take in deep breaths before speaking again. Was this how he was when he saved my life? Shaky but determined? Did he expand his chest with oxygen, then take the leap? I was such a shitty friend. I needed to breathe, not fuck up his rocky relationship with Blakely. “I’m not an idiot. I spoke with her social worker. I know she’s bullshitting me.”
Well, that surprised me. Lance was a hopeless optimistic. It’s why people took advantage of him so easily. “You knew?” I asked.
“I’m more surprised you knew,” Lance replied. “You’ve been against her being here since day one. And I get it. Some wayward sister comes out of the woodwork, and you want to protect me. This isn’t some survivor’s guilt bullshit. I genuinely want a relationship with my sister. Anyone that can put up with what she’s endured is someone I want in my life. Not once has she asked for anything. I practically had to beg her to trust me. And now I can’t help but feel like I’m doing everything wrong.”
I wanted to tell him that it was me doing everything wrong, but the words were lodged in my throat. I refused to let them break free. “So if you knew her ma was a piece of shit, why try to bring that bitch back to life with all these gestures?”
Lance let out a sigh. “I’m not trying to bring her back. I have an amazing mom. Maybe it’s wrong, but I didn’t feel anything when I heard my birth mother was dead. I don’t have grief for a woman I never knew. She gave me a better life by giving me up. I’m sad at the time I missed with Blakely. I’m sad she didn’t have the life I did. Getting her to talk about herself was like pulling at splinters. She seemed to want to give me something in return for staying here rent free, so when she gave me that photo, all I saw was a way in. I was hoping we could recreate all the bad shit in her life and make it something positive and…ours.”
It all suddenly made sense. The roses. The truth. The carnival and photo. It was never about Blakely’s mom. I was so busy peeling back Blakely’s layers that I didn’t stop to check in with Lance. He was obviously scrambling to make this work. He’s been doing everything he could, and I was too busy focusing on myself to realize what was going on. It was a misguided approach, but it made me feel proud.
“Why not instead of trying to change past hurts, you create new memories? Take her to work. Ask about her. You’re bonding over something she wants to forget. The only way to start something new is to stop reliving the past. I get that you were grasping for straws in the beginning, but she’s opening up, or at least I thought she was.”
I was pissed that she left. Not for the same reasons as Lance, obviously. But I didn’t like how she ran mere hours after something so…so…so…
Intense. Her kiss had awakened something within me outside of the wrongness of what we did. I’d never felt so alive. It was one of those kisses you could feel everywhere. And even if it couldn’t happen again, I was still moved by it.
Lance nodded. “You’re right. And I fully plan on doing that. How do you know about this?” he asked, and I knew I’d have to tread carefully. He was eyeing me with that look, the one that could read between the lines.
“We talk sometimes. I pull the information out of her. Don’t take her to a dance hall,” I blurted out, wanting to change the subject with something that would shock Lance so he’d stop prodding me. I was such a major disappointment. I needed to own up like a man and not cheapen my obsession with smoke and mirrors; I just didn’t know how.
“Why?”
“Last time her mom took her to one, she got felt up. She hates it.”
Lance gritted his teeth in rage. “And carnivals?”
I let out a shaky breath. “Not really a fan of those either, though she really seemed to have a good time last night.” I swallowed. Well, I hoped she’d enjoyed last night. No. No, no, no.
No.
“Fuck.” Lance flexed his muscles before picking up his phone and calling her again. It went straight to voicemail. “Look, I appreciate you trying to help with Blakely, but I’ve got this. I want her to feel safe opening up to me. We’ve had each other’s backs my entire life, but I want you to take a step back. You seem too invested.”
The lines were blurred, and his words were seemingly innocent, but I heard the underlying interpretation: Stay away from Blakely. He placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed while peering intently in my eyes. Could he see the secrets in my gaze?
“You’ve always had my back, Decker Harris. Lord knows you’ve scared off enough of my shitty partners to create an army of exes. But this time, I’ve got it. I don’t need saving from my sister. I want you to keep your distance.”
“Why?” I blurted out, kicking myself the second that single syllable word escaped my lips.
“Because I’m a selfish asshole that wants to be the person she runs to. Our relationship is rocky, and I don’t want to feel like I’m competing for attention with you. She’s young, and I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. It’s probably a crush that has her opening up.” I could feel the blood draining from my face. “I know you’d never do anything, but sometimes you don’t realize how much girls drool over you.” He chuckled.
I could feel every cell in my body screaming.
“I am hard to resist,” I replied with a playful laugh, trying to hide the panic in my chest. “And with school starting soon, it’s probably better. I don’t want any rumors starting. You’re right. She’s been through a lot and might misinterpret my kindness for something else.”
Lance placed a hand on my shoulder, and I turned to look at him. “I know you were getting close to her to help me, but I’ve got it. We can’t always fight each other’s battles for one another. Thank you, but tonight has brought me some clarity. I’ll do better about connecting with her and not using you as a buffer.”
I glanced out the window, staring at the night sky and trying to think of where she could have gone, guilt barreling through me once again. I was running through options when I spotted a white Toyota parked at a twenty-four hour diner nearby. “Wait, is that her car?” I asked while nudging Lance.
He leaned over me to get a better look, and I watched as his eyes widened. “Yes! That’s it. I’m going to park behind it so she can’t run. Let’s go drag her back to the apartment.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
10