Unfortunately, during the time between the first pour and the next, something had happened to the wax to make it go from a pleasant temperature to the fiery depths of hell.
And all of it was now on my poor lady garden.
The scream that came out of me would’ve deafened anyone who was doing this for me, so it was probably just as well that I’d decided to do it myself. Then again, maybe not because the wax was on me now.
Through tears, snot, whimpers, and the odd wailing scream, I managed to find my phone, lying just out of reach beside me. When the wax had hit, I’d curled into a ball and must’ve knocked it, which meant I was going to have to move my body to get it.
“Fuck me, I don’t think I’m going to survive this.”
Rolling fully onto my side, I tried to separate my legs, only to scream the second I gained any ground with my left one.
“Oh, chuffing shit, I’ve melted the muscles in my bloody thigh,” I screamed, picking up the spare towel and biting down hard as I cried into it.
No, it wasn’t pissing overreacting, this shit was the most painful thing I’d ever experienced in my life, and I’d been shot in the leg. I was never going to be able to skip or jump again. How would I go up flights of stairs? I’d have to live on the ground floor for life, which meant my dream house with stairs I could decorate at Christmas had completely gone to cock.
All because of a hairy muff.
And then it hit me—if I didn’t calm down, my poor neighbor was going to call the police, and they’d break my door down to find me partially paralyzed with my vagina waxed together like an old fashioned envelope seal.
I had to breathe through it and get my shit together.
It took me a good couple of minutes, and my hands were still shaking, but I finally had enough control to rationalize the situation I was in. I could still feel my leg and wiggle my toes, so I wasn’t paralyzed per se. But I had consistent pain when I moved that leg, so something was definitely wrong.
Doing my best to keep the whole down there region off the floor, I did an awkward arse in air commando crawl to my phone, almost crying when I had it in my hand.
There was only one person I wanted right now, and she answered on the first ring.
“I thought you said you had something on tonight?”
“Beau,” I croaked, licking my dry lips. “I need your help.”
The humor left her voice, and she was all business when she replied. “What’s happened?”
“I can’t get up,” I whimpered. “It’s so sore.”
I could hear the sound of her moving around and picking stuff up on the other end of the line, but it didn’t stop my racing heart from trying to leave my body when I attempted to move again.
“Okay, honey. You stay where you are, and I’ll be right there. Just don’t move, okay?”
Move? Was she out of her fucking mind?
Given that she only lived a couple of minutes away from me and had a spare set of keys in case I lost mine, I knew I wasn’t going to be found dead on the floor with Dobby feeding off my carcass while I waited for her.
What I didn’t expect was for her to bring company with her when I heard the front door opening.
“Sadie? Where are you?” she called, but before I could reply, two other voices joined her.
“Are you okay? I brought Parker with me,” Ari shouted, and I heard the sound of feet walking toward me.
“Jesus, that’s such a weird-looking cat,” Bonnie gasped. “Why’s it looking at us like that?”
I didn’t hear what else was said because the door to my bedroom opened, and in it stood Beau looking worried when she found me on the floor.
“Shit, Parker, she’s—”
“No, no, no, no, no,” I screeched, reaching my hand up for her. “For fuck’s sake, not him.”
Dropping to her knees beside my head, she looked at the area around me worriedly until she stopped on the pot the wax had been in.
“What’s happened?” Ari asked, joining us and waving over her shoulder at something.
Christ, I hope whoever it was couldn’t see my reflection in the mirror. Granted, it was all hermetically sealed with wax, but still. I’d seen a horror movie once where a person was killed after a guy dipped them in hot wax. It’d dried over their nose and mouth so they couldn’t breathe, but I still remembered what they’d looked like after their body was found—pretty much how I bet my nunney looked right now.
“We’ll let you guys know as soon as we find out,” I heard Bonnie whisper, followed by the clicking noise my door made when it was shut by a gentle hand and not a wallop like I kept doing by mistake.
Groaning, I rolled onto my back, squealing when I moved my leg a little bit too far away. “I’ve got a problem.”
Instead of the laughter or chuckles I’d expected, there was nothing but silence from the three of them.
So, I forged on through the tale of stupidity. “I was bored, so I went on social media the other day and saw this ad for an easy to use and highly effective home waxing kit. It comes in all scents, and they even do one for sensitive skin. All it takes is a couple of minutes in the microwave.”—gripping Beau’s hand, I squeezed it as tightly as I could—“Don’t do it for any longer than that, trust me. After it’s melted, you just put it on with the spatula provided, let it cool, and pull it up going against the hair growth, not with it.”
Clearing her throat, Bonnie picked up the pot and read the instructions. “Impressive, you’ve covered all of the bases, honey. But, it doesn’t answer why you’re—” she waved her hand at me.
“It didn’t melt all at once, so I put it on for longer,” I croaked, nodding when all of them grimaced. “And I thought it would take too long using the stupid, fucking tiny spatula, so I just poured it all on.”
“Oh, God,” Beau murmured, holding her hand out for the pot. “Didn’t you stir it after the first microwave session?”
“It says to do that?”
Holding it closer to her face, she read through the instructions printed in a font suitable for an ant and nodded. “Yeah, it says to stir thoroughly after taking it out. There’s even a warning that says the center of it will be hotter than the outside, so to stir first before putting it in for any extra time.”
Of course it fucking did. In size .0004 font, it gave warnings.
Chewing the inside of her lip, Ari looked from the pot to my crotch. “So, what are we looking at here? Did you drop it?”
Shuffling over to sit on the opposite of my body to Beau, Bonnie picked my hand up. “Don’t worry, we’ll help you. I once did something like this, but it ended up going on the towel, which stuck to my ass. It made it easier to do, so don’t panic.”
Licking my lips, I tried to find comfort in her normally soothing presence, but ironically I couldn’t find a damn shred of it tonight. “Oh, there’s a lot to worry about. My thigh’s stuck to my vagina, and I’ve got a whole pot of overcooked wax sealing it shut.”
All three of them sucked in a breath and looked at each other. “Maybe we should take her to the hospital?” Ari suggested. “I don’t think Parker has anything that’ll knock her out deep enough to get this off.”