His back toward the ground, he hovered, only her grip keeping him from falling. She lifted him a few inches toward her, the mask she normally wore gone. The carefree attitude, the cutting humor, all laid to the side.
Stripped bare, she gazed at him, letting him see her seriousness, the person who wouldn't let anything or anyone stand in the way of the pursuit of her goals. That was who he saw in that moment. The Phoenix. Someone who'd tasted loss and exacted the first phase of her revenge.
He swallowed thickly.
"Do I look like someone who gives a fuck what others think of me?"
Joule didn't answer.
Her lips parted in a snarl. "When you've experienced the worst life has to offer you, the little details no longer seem to matter so much. You choose what in this life affects you. What you will waste precious energy on. They want to belittle me? Mock me? I don't care. Let them challenge me. I'll win or I won't. The end. Everything else is details."
Joule touched her wrist lightly, naked vulnerability written in his face. Kira sighed and shook her head, lowering him until his butt rested on the ground.
She crouched before him. "Joule, you have a goal and a purpose. Focus on that. Forget about me, and don't let matters like these hold you back."
Joule swiped at his nose; his eyes suspiciously red as he avoided Kira's gaze.
Kira sighed, feeling like the lowest of the low. She hadn't meant to hurt his feelings or point out truths he wasn't willing to face.
"I thought we were friends," he finally mumbled.
He was so young.
"I'm awfully hard on my friends," Kira said, one hand rubbing her neck. "Ask Raider and Blue. They'll tell you how difficult a friendship with me is."
It would be tempting to think she was cursed. She didn't believe in such things. She was unlucky was all. Her standoffish nature and tendency to shoulder the brunt of any burden didn't help.
"I don't care," Joule said stubbornly. "You saved Ziva and me. You didn't have to, but you did."
"That doesn't make me a good person or a good friend," Kira pointed out.
His gaze held hers, unflinching. He didn't plan on letting go of this point.
"Is that the only reason you looked like someone had killed your dearest friend?" Kira asked finally, offering an olive branch.
His gaze slid away, his mouth setting in a stubborn line.
"Ah, I see," Kira said, hiding her smile. Joule might have wanted to warn her of the trouble brewing, but it wasn't the only reason he'd sought her out. "Having trouble?"
"It's different than I'd imagined it'd be," he mumbled.
"It always is," she murmured.
Achieving what people told you was impossible could feel like the greatest thing in the world. Miraculous and dreamlike. It could also leave you feeling empty—especially when reality didn't fit with what you'd envisioned.
"Does it make you want to give up?" she asked.
His gaze was sharp, the answer written on her face.
Kira’s laugh was husky. "Good. I'd think less of you if it did."
A shy smile bloomed at the praise. Kira was glad to see it. Joule and Ziva had managed to burrow their way through her defenses. As much as she wanted to push them out, she didn't have it in her.
They reminded her she hadn't been broken by war and loss, their unwavering faith whispering to the parts of her she'd buried deep. The parts that insisted she had once been more and could be again.
It was humbling. Disconcerting, leaving her feeling vulnerable and off-balance.
It would be so easy to destroy their hero worship.
Kira stood. "Come on. You can show me the new things you've learned as we walk back to the fortress."
Hope lit Joule's expression. "Are you sure?"
Kira lifted a shoulder. "Not like I have anything else to occupy my time right now."
He bounded to his feet with an energy and grace only someone as young as he could manage.
He ran through the warrior forms Maida had taught him. Kira watched with interest, cataloging them to try later. She was glad to see his form had improved since she'd last seen him work. Whatever training Maida was putting them through was working. With practice, Joule would become a talented warrior.
"That's not all," Joule said. "She's been working on teaching us a shielding technique."
Joule fell out of his last stance, straightening. He inhaled, centering himself. His hands came up to meet at his chest, his palms facing each other as he left an inch of space between them.
The frown on his face deepened with concentration, sweat dotting his forehead.
The faintest flicker of power sparked to life between his hands. It built, the pressure causing Joule's hands to shake.
He held it like that, the flicker getting brighter. With a cry of effort, Joule ripped his hands apart, stepping back with one foot at the same time.
His left hand swept up in an arc, his right hand mirroring it as he drew a circle, his hands crossing as they finished the circle. Visible ki crackled in the lines he had drawn with his hand. His palms flipped to face out and he shoved.
Kira's ears popped as a dome sprung into being, accompanied by a soft glow. It wobbled then stabilized. Joule remained in that position for several seconds before dropping the dome.
Joule's gaze swung to Kira, his expression exhausted and victorious.
"Well?" he asked.
Kira didn't say anything for several seconds, and uncertainty crept into Joule's posture.
"That is badass," she finally told him.
"Indeed," Finn agreed. "Holding a ki shield as complete as that at your age is impressive."
Joule basked in the oshota's praise before the happiness drained. "It's only good for defense. Not as impressive as a primus form."
Kira knocked him lightly on his head. His expression was incredulous as she pointed a finger at him. "Something like that might save lives one day. Listening to the nonsense of others or comparing yourself to them will only serve to hold you back. Develop the talents you have until you know every facet of them."
He was letting the attitudes of others influence him. If he couldn't see past what was to what could be, he'd never make it to the position of Overlord.
"Yes, it's helpful to have offensive talents, but I can think of a dozen ways something like what you showed me can be used effectively in battle." Kira's tone was harsh. "Your imagination and adaptability will stand you in far greater stead than something like a primus form."
Joule's hand dropped, and he stared at the ground for several seconds before meeting Kira's gaze. "I understand. I won't think like that again."
Yes, he would. It was inevitable. But as long as he didn't get stuck in that kind of thinking, he had a chance to exceed the limitations life had put on him.
Not that she should blame him. In this, she had a bit of an advantage on him. She'd seen skills like his before. Seen their creative application until they barely resembled the original intention behind them. If Joule had even a fraction of that person's creativity, a talent like that would stand him in good stead.
Not that she could tell him that. Trust was a valuable commodity, and some secrets weren't meant to be shared.