CJ shook his head. “I wasn’t in your life when you went to rehab. You don’t need to make amends to me.”
“Not for that period of time, maybe. But certainly for before. For the way I left.”
Again CJ shook his head. “We were too young anyway.”
“Don’t let me off the hook.”
“All right,” CJ said with a nod. “I won’t. Thank you for the apology. It’s accepted.” He gave a very small smile. “You’re different. A good different.”
“Maybe that’s because for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m not fighting myself over whether it’s okay to slow down, take a deep breath, and be happy. And . . . I am.”
“You sound surprised,” CJ said.
“Yeah, cuz have you met me?”
CJ gave a very small but warm, easy smile. “I was shot and you’re happy. You’re a sick man.”
“But you love it.”
CJ’s smile faded, and Gavin once again tried to get up, but in spite of being injured, CJ was strong as hell. “I do love it,” he said, holding on to Gavin. “What I don’t love is your urge to take off whenever the going gets too good. Think you can knock that the fuck off?”
“I’m working on it.”
“I hope that’s true.”
“Maybe I should prove it to you,” Gavin said.
“Maybe you should.”
And for the rest of the night, they didn’t say another word.
Chapter 23
“I’ve got you this time.”
The next morning, Gavin got out of bed way before he wanted to. CJ was still sleeping, so he left him a note telling him that he had a meeting and reminding him to take his antibiotic.
There were several places to eat in Wildstone that were good, but nothing better than Caro’s Café. Gavin found Axel in a corner booth, back to the wall, slugging back a hot, black coffee like it was his job. The guy was thirtyish, had wavy dark hair past his shoulders, with a matching beard, and was covered in tats. Good-looking enough to be an actor portraying a rock star, he had both men and women after him, which he definitely made the most of. He was an old friend of Gavin’s and they’d reconnected last week when they’d been at the same NA meeting. Axel had offered to be his Wildstone sponsor and Gavin had taken him up on it.
“You’re late,” Axel said, wearing his usual perpetual scowl.
“No, I’m not.” Gavin waved his phone. “See? It’s eight on the dot.”
“On time is late. Early is on time.”
“Let me guess,” Gavin said, taking a seat. “You’ve been reading self-help books again.”
Axel gave a rare grin. “Nah. That came from my fortune cookie last night.”
Gavin laughed, and then the waitress showed up to take their order. When she’d gone, Gavin looked at Axel. “How you doing?”
“That was my question for you.”
Gavin downed his water and eyeballed the full, noisy diner. “This place is still pretty popular, huh?”
“Best breakfast for fifty miles. You stalling on purpose?”
“Yeah.” Gavin met the eyes of the one person in his life who seemed to truly understand where he’d come from, the hole he’d dug himself out of, and how hard it was to stay on level ground. “I’m hanging in there,” he said to Axel’s patient silence.
“Define ‘hanging in there.’”
“I want to stay clean, more than anything.”
“But . . . ?”
“But . . . sometimes it’s hard.”
“No shit,” Axel said. “In case you haven’t noticed, life’s fucking hard.”
When their food came, they dug in, and Axel gestured at Gavin with his fork for Gavin to eat and talk. “Tell me how it’s going here in Wildstone.”
“I want to be back. I love being home. But it’s also bringing up some really bad shit. Losing my parents. Arik. And now me and CJ are . . . well, I’m not actually sure, but we’re something. And I like it. But I’m terrified of losing it.”
“You talk to him?”
“Yeah.”
Axel nodded. “You feel the urge to use again?”
“No. Not exactly. I mean, my brain doesn’t want to, but my body isn’t always on the same page.”
Axel nodded. “We all get that.”
“Still?”
“Still. Your present self’s just gotta be stronger than your past stupid self.”
Gavin laughed roughly. “Yeah.”
“Look, an addict’s an addict, and unfortunately, we can switch up an addiction for another pretty easily, but sometimes you can replace the need for bad shit with something else.” Axel shrugged. “Sex would be my choice. Only I don’t mean with me. Nothing personal or anything, but you’re a little too pretty for me.”
Gavin laughed again, and it felt good.
“But seriously.” All smiles aside, Axel leaned in. “You get an urge you can’t handle, you call me. I’ll be there. Doesn’t matter what day or time. Got me?”
Gavin felt gratitude hit him, and he nodded. “Got you. But I’ve also got this.”
“See that you do.”
Gavin finished his food and pushed his plate away as he glanced out the window. To his surprise, CJ stood stock-still on the sidewalk, staring at him with an unreadable expression.
Gavin waved.
CJ didn’t. In fact, he turned on a heel and walked off. What the hell? Standing, he tossed some money on the table. “See you next week?”
Axel nodded. “Unless you need me before.”
Gavin headed outside and had to book it to catch up with CJ, who was already getting into his car. For a guy who’d been shot, he was moving pretty good. “Hey, did you get my note?”
CJ turned, his face carefully blank, further assisted by a pair of dark mirrored sunglasses. “The note that said you had a meeting? Yeah, I got it. But that didn’t look like a business meeting.”
Surprised at both the tone and the implied accusation that he was lying, Gavin shoved his hands into his pockets instead of reaching for the guy, as he’d wanted to do only a second before. “It really was a meeting.”
“Okay, so what kind of business do you have with a known addict?”
Gavin shook his head. “It’s not what you think.”
“Really? Cuz what I think is that two years ago I arrested that asshole for assault and battery.”
Axel had told Gavin all of this and more, including the fact he’d been stupid enough to resist arrest. “I know. He’s clean now.”
“Yeah? So who is this guy to you?”
And here is where Gavin made his mistake. He knew it as soon as he hesitated, but Axel was fanatical about his privacy, and Gavin had to honor that. “Just a friend.”
“You’re lying,” CJ said.
More like omitting, but Gavin hadn’t asked Axel if he could mention him, and in NA, loyalty was everything. And also, something in the way CJ was looking at him now was really pissing him off. And admittedly, he did not do his best thinking when he was pissed off. “He is just a friend. But that’s not the real problem, is it, Ceej. You think I’m still sowing some wild oats.”