“Yes! Because if Shade found out…”
“He would find out because I would talk to him and explain how adults sometimes have relationships with each other. They can learn to care about each other, and it doesn’t mean we wouldn’t care about him.”
“What the fuck!” I stamp my foot but tone it down because I remember that Shade’s sleeping and waking him up is the last thing I want. “Can you even hear yourself?” I whisper scream.
Never underestimate the power of a good whisper scream. To Luke’s credit, he keeps a straight face. He has the most annoyingly perfect—no. Shit. Just the most annoyingly perfect poker face. That’s what I was trying to say. He has this blank expression that drives me nuts. Not only can I not read him, but I also can’t tell if he’s serious or playing some twisted joke on me. This is the last thing I expected. How can someone who doesn’t even like me be all mopey and enjoy torturing me, baiting me, and waiting for me to fail, before just basically straight up asking me if I’d like to be his fuck buddy?
“I do hear myself. I think the arrangement would make sense.”
“An arrangement? Are you for real? Ugh. That’s so gross. Please don’t use that word.”
“The relationship would make sense.”
“Don’t use that word either.”
“Okay. Having you in my bed to combat the emptiness that keeps growing inside us when we are both lonely, and also for companionship and mutually shared pleasure would make sense.”
“I’m not empty inside!” I point an accusatory finger in his direction. “I’m not empty at all. I’m actually quite full, thank you very much, and I’m not lonely. I just…it was…I don’t know. A lapse in judgment.”
“It’s Christmas. You’re alone, and you’re away from your family. I know all about it. Sam filled me in before you even showed up here. I wouldn’t just let a stranger into my house, so I know all about it. I know you probably want to talk to your parents but can’t. You are probably filled with a sense of dread and loneliness and emptiness. You’ve lost something, just like I have. We’re standing here right now, and this holiday sucks, being alone sucks, and life sucks. We’re both moving forward because it’s really the only direction to go. You like my son and care about him. I like that about you. I like that you care because it’s something he needs. God, he needs it. And I…maybe I need someone to care about me too.”
“Falling into bed and calling me a nanny with benefits isn’t the way to go about having someone care about you.”
“I didn’t mean it that way. You were the one who said it.”
“You said it would be an arrangement.”
“Because no other word makes sense. Fine, call it a blank—a blankety-blank-blank, the word that has no word, the wordless term. Call it nothing, call it something, call it whatever you want because the kiss felt right. Okay, it felt so right, and it’s confusing to me because I feel like I’m betraying Britt’s memory by actually enjoying something again, but I also know she’d kick me in the nuts for moping around for two years. On the very day she found out she had cancer and told me about it, she made me promise I’d move on, be happy again, and make a family for Shade. She knew it wasn’t good for me to be alone. She didn’t want that for me.”
“Dear freaking chicken nuggets. How can you tell me this?” I’m about to go full-on waterworks here. My nose is burning, and my throat feels like someone jammed a whole box full of nuggets down it faster than I could swallow. Must not let the tears out. Don’t get emotional. Emotions are bad. Emotions triumph over reason. Don’t lose your reasoning.
Unfortunately, my reasoning is fading fast. I can already feel myself softening, and no, not toward being a nanny with benefits. Oh no. I just feel bad for Luke. He’s confused, alone, empty, and hurting. He had a life he had to keep up and a son he had to care for. He had to be normal when his whole world was never going to be normal again. He lost all those little things he was talking about, and he lost the biggest thing of all. He lost part of his heart, and that’s really, really sad.
I’ve never really truly loved someone that way. I mean, I’ve cared about guys—guys who turned out to be assholes, guys who wanted my money, guys who just wanted to get laid, and guys who lost interest. But I’ve never loved anyone. I can’t imagine losing anyone, but I can kind of imagine the hurt and the pain, and it makes me soft, even though I don’t want to be.
“I…Luke… I think the whisky was pretty strong, and you’re not acting like yourself right now. The kiss happened, yes, and it may or may not have been a mistake, but we can’t continue on. If you’re lonely, then reach out to me as a friend. I can get to know you and learn to care about you, and it doesn’t mean we have to do the bedroom stuff. Uh, that’s just…that’s really complicated, and if you know everything, then you already know I have enough complications going on.”
“I know your parents want you to marry a complete stranger. I could save you from that complication. We really could have an arrangement.”
“Okay, that’s crazy. Goodnight, Luke. Seriously.”
“I’m sorry. That was crazy.” He runs a hand through his hair, now messy and disheveled as all hell. But still hot as all hell too.
This is just further proof that the universe hates me.
All of this.
“Okay. Well, maybe let’s just forget about the bad parts of tonight and go with the good parts. I’d be happy to be a friend. I hope you can talk to me when you need someone to listen, and that you won’t feel so lonely. I hope I can talk to you too, seeing as how you know all about the crap I have going on, and you’re right. It is hard. We both care about Shade, so that’s a common interest at the very least. I…err…I don’t know. I just can’t let it become anything more than that. Okay?”
“Yes, I agree, and you’re right. I’m sorry. Maybe it is the whisky. No, it’s definitely the whisky. I never drink. I don’t know why I did it.”
“Because you’re fucked up, it’s a fucked-up time, and everything is fucked?”
“What happened to the chicken nuggets?”
“Fuck ‘em.”
“Yeah.” Luke sighs. “Everything is fucked. It is. But while I’m still buzzed and having extreme lapses of judgment, can I convince you to—”
“No!” Why do guys never get the message? Are they just completely deaf? I just said I wasn’t going to—
“I was going to ask if you’d like to play a round of racing with me. Shade’s asleep, and I could use a good game with a lackluster competition I can easily beat.”
“Thanks. Thanks for that.”
He grins at me. This might be the first actual smile I’ve ever seen from Luke, and it’s like someone plunged a red-hot blade that simulates instant ovulation, straight into my ovaries. I feel buzzed as if I had some of that whisky. I feel…I feel like I’m riding some strange kind of high. Like an afterglow kind of high, except I didn’t have the after or the glow. Maybe I’m glowing.
“Okay.” It would be smarter to go to bed. Tonight’s already been the wildest, craziest, and most bizarre night of my life. Other than when my parents had the talk about me marrying a total stranger because that was also pretty weird. “Yeah. Alright.”