It was her stomach that took charge and pulled her toward the shower stall. If all this was for nothing, at least she’d have pancakes.
When she followed her nose into the kitchen, there was no way Sloane would admit she was feeling more human after the shower. The trembling had receded, and her brain wasn’t as filled with fog. However, her heart still ached for Luke, even if her brain understood he no longer wanted her.
“Glad you finally took that shower. Even from behind the door, I could smell your retched stink. I made a fresh pot of coffee and already poured you a cup.”
Ben was busy manning a pan over the stove, his white cane resting against the kitchen island. For anyone outside looking in, it would be impossible to guess he could barely see.
Her radar zeroed in on the steaming cup on the kitchen island, so she sat on the stool. The first sip didn’t warm her as much as she hoped, but maybe her expectations were too high.
The silence was only broken with the clatter of utensils being moved around, and her mind went to the last time Luke stood in this very place. It was so easy for her mind to conjure him up.
Ben slid a plate in front of her, but Sloane had to swallow a few times before considering taking the first bite. Ben refilled his cup and installed himself by her side, pancakes piled ridiculously high and that made her mouth quirk up. “You can’t seriously think you’re going to eat all of that.”
Ben angled his head as if considering it. “Seriously? No. But I’ve been here long enough to know that Devin will probably come up at some point and steal my plate, so I made enough for both of us.”
After drenching the pile with syrup, he passed the bottle to Sloane who did the same before risking a bite. Her throat worked hard to swallow but the gooey syrup helped. Forkful after forkful, she was surprised to see she’d reached the halfway point.
“Why did you ask me for cocaine, Sloane?”
At his question, her stomach seized, and she put her fork down as eating became impossible now. “I was joking.”
Ben nodded, and took a sip of his coffee, his movements economical, head still forward. “No, you weren’t. I know when you’re joking, and that wasn’t playful. It was desperate and it’s the reason you locked yourself in that room when Luke left. You never make light of drug use. You were forthcoming in opening up about your problem, so don’t stop now. I haven’t ever seen you in this much pain, and I know you can withstand an impressive amount of it. What happened with Luke? You can yell at me, shut the door in my face, but you won’t convince me that he isn’t at the root of it. Talk to me, Sloane. I promise it will stay with me.”
Trust wasn’t the reason she hesitated, but just thinking about it, voicing what scared her, hurt her, seemed impossible but she wasn’t a coward. So as she’d done with so many things in her past, she pushed through in the hope the pain would fade faster.
“During that last mission, I admit things got out of hand. I was so close to catching those rat bastards. Then Luke appeared out of nowhere and gave me an ultimatum. I lashed out. He doesn’t understand what’s at stake. Even if those couriers aren’t the big fish, we’re after, it would mean one less on the streets. How many lives could be saved? All I could think about was those people who’d normally never touch that shit but would stumble upon it and in a moment of weakness, fall into a hole of pain and despair that would change their lives forever.”
Ben nodded. “Like you.”
Tears welled again, but she wouldn’t indulge in them. “And then he shut down. You’ve met Luke, even in the height of danger, he never loses his cool.”
“He yelled at you?”
“If only. It was like something had slammed shut between us. All he wanted was to get away as fast as he could. And then...” It was like reliving everything once more, and to her utter horror, a sob escaped. “I thought he’d leave right away, but he stayed and we... All I can think about is how something had changed, but he didn’t see it. When I woke, he was gone.”
“What changed?”
“The way we connected. It wasn’t sex, it was like a door had opened between us. I was so sure of it. I thought he’d felt it too, especially since he... he told me he loved me.”
Again, Ben nodded. “And did you say it back?”
Sloane shook her head, hanging it low. “How can I tell him? Not only do we barely know each other, but it means what’s between us becomes tangible, real. I can’t do that to him.”
“You revealed your deepest secrets to him, and he accepted you and them so what’s holding you back? Those three words won’t make you burst into flames, you know. What are you so afraid of?”
Any other time, it would’ve stung to be called a coward, but it was useless to hide, even from herself. “I’m an addict, Ben. Yes, it was a while ago, but that need will be with me till the end of my days. I’ve done awful things, descended into darkness, both inside my soul and in real life too. I know everything I’ve done, who I was, led me here to becoming the Vigilante. That doesn’t fix me, and it doesn’t restore everything to its default setting. Nothing ever will. I have no right to long for a man like Luke, a scholar, a veteran... he deserves someone who can walk in the light by his side. He said so himself. He wants a wife, kids, home…”
“I think Luke would have strong words for you if he heard what you just said. Me too, for that matter, but I’ll refrain and say this instead. It’s not the dark and the broken parts of you that led you to this team, but the courage and light that’s always been in you. If you had all that ugliness in you like you said, you wouldn’t seek justice, on the contrary. It takes a strong individual to become a cop and fight crime, but an indomitable one to tread the fine line of vigilantism. If not, one could tumble on the wrong side of that line and get lost forever.
“If there’s one thing you hear from me, let it be this: forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for your regrets and your faults. You’ve changed since then. You’ve learned from your mistakes and that makes you a different person. It’s time to let that pain go, Sloane. Luke is your sign. Please listen to it. Whether you’re destined to be with him or not, it’s your call, but it’s time to set things straight with yourself. As for what Luke wants, I’m pretty certain he’d have pulled back much earlier if he thought he couldn’t have all that with you. He knows what you’re offering, and even if it’s not the cookie-cutter idea he had before, he may be changing, envisioning his happiness differently, with you.”
How did Ben’s words exhilarate and scare her at the same time? It was the same sensation she felt when she was about to leap into an unknown situation. One big leap of faith with herself. Her heart thudding harder in her chest, all she wanted to do was find Luke and say the words he’d said to her and beg him to take a chance on her, all of her; the recovering addict, the Vigilante, and the woman. Luke wouldn’t be another of her regrets. No more regrets.
Maybe he sensed the shift in her, or he just knew, but Ben put an arm around her shoulders and brought her in for a hug. For the first time in an eternity, she let herself be held and even embraced him in return, solidifying everything that was shifting inside her. Luke. She would go get Luke, explain, and apologize. They would make it work for whatever time they had. It wasn’t important anymore, she just had to have him.