I snorted. “Says who? Kimmy?”
“Yes.”
“Well, tough. Whitney’s your daughter, Brett. If she’s being needlessly disrespectful, discipline her.”
“Look, Sylvia,” he said in that arrogant, know-it-all tone that drove me nuts, “the kids need to stay with you for the rest of their break. That’s all there is to it.”
I inhaled through my nose and exhaled through my mouth, trying to gain control of my anger and not lose my shit that he was telling me how it was—again.
“Fine with me. So tell them,” I said coolly. “Call Whitney’s cell phone right now.”
“Yeah, well, the thing is, I was kind of hoping you would tell them. I’m actually at work right now, and—”
I burst out laughing, but it wasn’t funny. “You’re fucking crazy. I’m not telling them.”
“Sylvia, this isn’t the time to be vengeful.”
“Oh, I’m not vengeful,” I told him, although my hands shook with fury. “I don’t give a shit what happens to you, good or bad. But I’m not doing you any favors. You don’t want them to come tomorrow, you tell them that. I’m not crushing their feelings as a favor to you. No fucking way.”
“You know, I didn’t have to let you take them out of the state,” he spat. “I didn’t fight you on anything so it would make this easier on you. Can’t you do this one thing for me?”
“Gee, let me think—no. Fuck no. You’re on your own, Brett. Just like you wanted.” I hung up, threw my phone on my bed, and put my head in my hands. My entire body was trembling with rage. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to kick him in the balls. I wanted to scream so loud, he’d hear it. I wanted to crawl into my bed, hide beneath the covers, and not come out.
But I couldn’t.
Even if Brett told the kids himself, I was the one here. I was the one who’d have to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts. I was the one who’d have to console them and make sure they knew they were loved and cherished and wanted.
I sank down onto my bed, wishing someone could please fucking do that for me.
An hour later, I was still lying on my bed when I got another text.
Brett: I told them. Maybe you should check on Whitney. She seemed upset.
“She seemed upset?” I yelled at my phone. “Of course she did, you dipshit asshole!”
Hating him all over again, I changed his name to Dipshit Asshole in my Contacts, got off my bed, and went to her bedroom door.
“Whit?” I knocked twice. “Can I come in?”
“Why?”
I swallowed hard. “I want to talk.”
“Fine.”
Slowly, I turned the knob and pushed the door open, entering the room. Whitney lay on the bed on her side, facing away from me, but I could tell she was crying.
“Did you talk to your dad?”
“Yes. He doesn’t want us to visit. After he promised we could go skiing.”
Shutting the door behind me, I went over and sat on the edge of the bed. “I know. He hasn’t been awesome about keeping his promises, has he?”
“He doesn’t love us anymore.”
“Of course he does.” I brushed her blond hair off her forehead.
“I hate him,” she said, crying harder.
I leaned over, pressing my lips to her temple. “It’s okay to feel angry, sweetheart. All the things you feel are okay.”
“He cares more about her than he does about us. And now he’ll care more about that baby,” she sobbed. “He doesn’t even want us anymore.”
“No, honey. That’s not true.” Even if it felt true.
She rolled away from me and sat up, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “It is true, Mom! And I hate him for it! And I hate that I still love him and miss him! I don’t want to.”
It was taking all my strength not to break down and cry too, but I wanted to be a rock for my daughter—one solid thing she could depend on. “I’m sorry, honey.”
“No, you’re not. You don’t even care that he left,” she wept. “You’re not even sad.”
“Of course I’m sad, Whitney. Why would you say that?”
“You don’t even cry!” She jumped off the other side of the bed and faced me, mascara-streaked tears streaming down her face. “You act like it doesn’t even matter that he left us! And you must have done something to make him want to go, because why else would he do it?”
I closed my eyes, willing myself to be strong and remember she was just a child, a hurt, scared child, whose world had been turned upside down. Everything she thought she’d known for certain was in question now. She didn’t feel safe, and she needed someone to blame. Her dad wasn’t here, but I was.
“I did cry, Whitney.” I opened my eyes and looked at my daughter. “For a while, I cried every night. And I still cry sometimes. But I make sure never to let you hear me, because I don’t want you to think I’m not okay, or that things won’t be okay again. Because they will.”
“How?” she cried, wiping her cheeks with both hands. “I feel like I’m just supposed to accept this new life with no dad, when I didn’t get a say in it!”
I nodded, swallowing hard. “I get it. And I’m sorry. I wish things were different, honey. But they’re not. And the truth is, I didn’t do anything to make your dad leave. I know you’re looking for something to point to, some reason he did what he did, some way to make it make sense, but . . . I can’t really make sense of it either. I didn’t want this, but I have to accept it and get through it just like you guys do.”
She hurled herself back onto the bed and wailed into her pillow, but she didn’t protest when I lay down beside her and rubbed her back. There was something to be said for a good stress relief cry. A few tears slipped silently down my cheeks too.
Eventually, her sobs quieted, and then stopped.
“We were really unhappy, Whitney,” I said softly. “So unhappy that we couldn’t go on like that.”
“I know.”
“It has nothing to do with how much we love you. Even though your dad is being selfish right now, he does love you.”
She sniffled and turned her head toward me, speaking over her shoulder. “He’s being an asshole. You can say it in front of me.”
I had to laugh. “He’s being an asshole.”
She was silent a moment. “I’m sorry I said those things. I just get so mad sometimes.”
“It’s okay.” Sitting up, I smoothed her hair back, my throat tight. “When we’re angry, sometimes we say things we don’t mean to people we love, and they forgive us.”
“Do you forgive me?” She rolled to her back and looked up at me with tearful blue eyes that mirrored mine.
“Always. And I will always be here for you.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Should we go tell Keaton?” she asked, her face growing concerned. “He’s going to be really upset.”
My heart swelled with love for her. “Let’s do it together. And then let’s think of something fun to do tonight, okay?”