“Libby, is he—”
“He’s alive, but it was bad, and now he’ll be in rehab probably, and…” I pressed my lips, trying to keep the keening sound of my crying from escaping. “I know you don’t want to deal with this, and I understand. I do. But he needs someone. He needs someone, Debbie, and I just can’t do it this time. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t watch him detox. I can’t stand there and let him take it out on me. I’ve been doing everything I could for the past three years and I just can’t do it anymore.”
“No one said you had to, honey,” she said gently. “You can walk away right now and no one is going to think any less of you. Least of all me.”
“But I can’t,” I wailed. “I can’t walk away unless I know someone is taking care of him. Please, Debbie. Do this for me. If you don’t want to do it for him, I understand, but I’m asking you. I’m begging you to do this for me. I won’t be able to function if he’s alone, but I can’t be the one to take care of him this time. Please, Debbie. Please.”
“Okay, sweetie. Okay,” her response was so quiet I barely heard it.
I blinked. Shocked. “You’ll do it?”
“I’ll do it. I’ve been mad a long time. Watching him destroy himself after I’d already lost Serena…” She trailed off, then seemed to rally. “But I took a good long break and let you worry over him for long enough. I can do this now.” I could practically hear her squaring her shoulders and preparing for battle. “I can look out for him so that you can go look out for yourself.”
“Really?” I couldn’t believe she’d do it. “Really? You’ll be there? You’re not just saying that?”
“I really will, Libby. I will.” Her voice was shaky. “And I’m so sorry. It’s clear I’ve let you do this for too long, sweetie. And I’m sorry about that. I should have realized what it was doing to you. I should have checked in. I should have done something. I’m sorry.”
“No. Don’t be sorry. Just…thank you, Debbie,” I cried as my relief made my tears increase, and all my energy soaked into the floor.
“If you want to thank me, you need to go take care of yourself. You let me take care of our boy. I’ve got him. You don’t have to do it anymore.”
“I do love him, you know? He’s my dearest friend and I want so many good things for him and—”
“Oh, honey. No one could doubt that for a minute. It hurts though, doesn’t it? Loving someone that much?”
Tear after tear coursed down my face, dripping from my chin. “Yeah.”
“So you just leave him to me. He’s gonna get some tough mom love, and he and I will both be happier knowing that you’re taking care of yourself.”
I pinched my eyes shut, more of my endless tears squeezing out. “I feel so selfish,” I admitted in a bare whisper.
“No, honey. This is the bravest thing you could do. Take it from someone who’s been there. There’s nothing worse than resenting someone because you loved them too much to let them fail.”
I didn’t respond. My sobs had choked off my ability to speak.
“Go be happy, Libby. That’s an order. I love you.” And with that she hung up and I let the phone slip from my fingers.
I sat on my floor for a long time. I didn’t remember sitting down in the middle of my entryway, but that’s where I had ended up. And that’s where I stayed as my brain made an attempt to process my new reality. I should be skipping around yelling, “I’m free! I’m free!” But instead I was just alone. I thought about going to my piano and playing, but even that held no appeal. I needed someone.
I needed my dad. I needed him desperately enough that I peeled myself off the floor and forced back my tears enough that I could drive.
The ten-minute trip to his house was done in survival mode as I held the pieces of my heart together until I could get to him.
My knocking was frantic and the second the door opened, I broke down crying.
He reached out to me with a panicked you’re-crying-and-I-don’t-know-what-to-do face. “Libby. What’s wrong?”
“I can’t take care of him anymore. I can’t do it.”
“Okay,” he said as he tentatively wrapped his arms around me. “That’s okay. That’s good.”
“You don’t even know who I’m talking about,” I wailed.
“You’re talking about Sean, Sweet Pea. I know better than anyone how much you’ve taken care of him. Of course it’s Sean.” He pressed me to his chest, holding me together so I didn’t have to do it on my own.
“What if he’s not okay? He almost killed himself.”
“But he didn’t, right?”
I shook my head. “He hadn’t even woken up when I left. I just left him there in the hospital with no one.”
“You did the best you could for as long as you could. What happens next isn’t up to you.”
“I used to be so mad at Debbie. I blamed her for walking away. I thought she did it to punish Sean, but that wasn’t it. That wasn’t it at all. She just had to save herself.”
“Come in, Sweet Pea. It’s going to be okay.”
We sat in his living room and I cried into his chest.
I ended up sleeping on his couch, unwilling to go home to my lonely apartment.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The moment that beauty broke open
And poured out despair
The moment I learned the cost of joy
Was greater than I could bear
Her eyes never spoke to me again,
Not the way they had always been
When years were few
And wisdom was a horizon unseen
I spoke words without knowing
Like daggers they went,
Piercing the heart of the innocent
She was the innocent
Only now in life’s rearview mirror
Can I see the scars she bears
When a U-turn seems too little too late
I beg forgiveness and cry into her hair
I’m here, sweet angel
I’ve got a shoulder where you can cry
My love for you’s forever
Just please don’t ask me why
I left you
—Sean Amity
CHAPTER TWELVE
The next day, I tried to un-Sean my life.
Part of that involved blocking and then deleting Sean’s and Randy’s contact information. It involved taking the credit card I used for Sean-related travel and cutting it up. I even managed to do it without crying, which was an improvement. I was so tired of crying.
It was tempting to run back to Jonas right away, but I didn’t. I didn’t call him that first day. My heart was too broken for that. It took time to put myself back together enough that I felt human again.
Naomi called me as I was putting away newspaper clippings and other mementos of his success I had collected over the years. I wouldn’t throw it away, but I needed it out of sight.
“Hey,” I answered.
“Hey. How are you holding up? Is Sean all right?”