‘I expect he does. But only with someone who’s totally compliant and admiring and passive. Look what happened as soon as you stepped out of line. How do you reckon that would play out if you disagreed about him staying out late with his mates while you were left with the kids, or about politics, or about what colour to paint your front room, or whatever?’
‘It’s like what the app says about Pisces,’ I said. ‘Oversensitive, needy and inflexible.’
Alice managed not to roll her eyes, but I could tell it was a struggle. ‘Maybe it’s a Pisces thing, maybe it’s just a character trait. But the point is, do you want to be treated like a princess or like a person?’
I opened my mouth to tell her that what she’d said made perfect sense, and thank her, but the door of the Ginger Cat swung open and Maurice, Ray, Sadiq and Terry strolled in, ready to start today’s dominoes game, and Alice sprang to her feet, sliding through the hatch and behind the bar in one graceful movement.
‘Morning, gents. Your usual?’
The pub suddenly got crazy busy after that, the way it sometimes did, with waves of people coming through the door for no discernible reason – other than the fact that the Ginger Cat was the best pub in South London, obviously – and I had no time to think more deeply about what Alice had said. I barely had time to slip to the gym in the middle of the afternoon, and I rushed through my workout.
Dani wasn’t there, and when I asked Mike if he had heard from her he said she’d been in earlier. He said it in a way that seemed kind of evasive, like he wasn’t telling me the full story, but I didn’t have time to think about that much, either, only to send her a quick text saying I hoped she was okay, and we’d see each other soon.
The evening got even busier, and it was eleven thirty before I made it back up to my flat. Frazzle launched immediately into a vocal campaign for second dinner and a series of detailed complaints about humans who stayed out until all hours and neglected their cats, before flopping down on my bed and asking for his tummy to be rubbed.
I lay down next to him and took out my phone, tapping and scrolling with one hand while fussing Frazz with the other.
Least compatible signs with Aquarius, I read. Virgo and Pisces – well, I’d tried those and as far as I was concerned the app had been bang on the money so far. Third on the list was Scorpio.
Your Scorpio lover operates at a higher level of intensity than most men. His emotions run deep and he feels them keenly – but he will avoid showing what he perceives as weakness at all costs. To avoid getting hurt, he may close his heart and repel emotional intimacy – because he knows that when he falls he’ll fall hard. Prickly and intense, the sting in the scorpion’s tail will be felt if he is angered or wounded.
Jesus, he sounded like an awful lot of hard work. Couldn’t I just skip him and move on to someone who was a bit less of a pain in the arse?
Then I reminded myself that I’d set myself a challenge, and it would be pathetic to give up. I read on.
The upside? Ruled by Mars and Pluto, Scorpio is the most primally passionate sign in the zodiac. Your Scorpio man brings all his emotional intensity into the bedroom – or the kitchen table, the shower, the bondage dungeon; when it comes to matters of intimacy, it’s no holds barred for your sexy Scorpio. As a lover, he is inventive, skilful, enthusiastic and often surprisingly tender. It’s in relationships where he is physically satisfied that Scorpio will reveal the loyal, compassionate and devoted side of his personality.
Oh, right then, I thought. Why didn’t you mention that in the first place? If there was one thing that was lacking in my life, it was a good bit of inventive, passionate sex.
‘Come on then, Scorpio,’ I said, tweaking my profile. By the time I’d finished, my eyes were drooping with tiredness and my phone was slipping out of my hand, but I forced myself to get up, scoop out Frazzle’s litter tray, wash my face and brush my teeth before falling back into bed.
Just as I was sinking blissfully into sleep, my phone flashed with a message from the dating app. Half awake, I fumbled it to life in the dark.
Oh God. A dick pic.
But this time, I smiled and looked at it properly. And, for the very first time, I didn’t ignore, block or delete.
‘Holy shit, Zoë, what have you been doing with yourself?’ Robbie demanded when I stumbled into the kitchen the next morning, my eyes half closed still. ‘You look like you’ve been on a massive bender. You look like me after a heavy night. Actually, you don’t – you look worse.’
‘Cheers for that,’ I said. ‘I can always count on you for an ego boost. I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep.’
Robbie looked at me appraisingly. ‘Well, you’re going to have to tell me all about it. But first, you’re going to have to go back upstairs and put your T-shirt on the right side out. And I’ll get some coffee on.’
I left the kitchen and walked back upstairs to the flat. Actually, it didn’t feel like walking – more like floating. As if my feet were somehow on a cushion of air, like when you’re wearing expensive brand-new trainers. For the first time in my life, I got what the phrase ‘on cloud nine’ meant – although it was entirely possible that I’d skipped that and gone directly to cloud ten.
As I walked, I checked my phone, but there were no new messages from Seth, not since we’d signed off three hours before.
‘Now,’ my sous-chef thrust a triple espresso into my hand, ‘what’s all this about? Share it with the group.’
‘Nothing,’ I muttered, trying to keep the silly grin off my face and prevent a massive blush making its way up my neck. ‘I was just chatting to someone online, and I lost track of time.’
‘Chatting, you say? And what form exactly did this chat of yours take?’
‘It got… kind of flirty.’
‘Flirty, or filthy?’
‘Oh God. Both, I guess.’
‘Good girl! Up all night sexting a stranger, that’s what I like to see! Who is he?’
‘He’s a Scorpio,’ I said. ‘The app reckons they’re all passionate and stuff, so when he sent me a dick pic I didn’t delete it. I decided to kind of go with it.’
Robbie gave me that hard stare again, which reminded me of the way Frazzle looked when he wanted his breakfast. ‘I take it this was no ordinary dick pic, then? Or rather, a pic of no ordinary dick.’
‘I didn’t say that! It was just… You know.’
‘I certainly do not know. And I won’t, unless you give me details.’
‘Robbie. Let me remind you that this is a place of work and I am technically your boss.’
‘Okay, fine. Sheesh, you’re no fun.’
‘That’s enough of that. We’ve got the tofu to press for the vegan stir-fry, so let’s get cracking.’
We did, but as we worked I kept catching Robbie casting sidelong, speculative glances at me, and I knew he must be thinking, I never knew she had it in her.
And he wasn’t alone – I hadn’t known, either, until the messages I’d been exchanging with Seth had… well, escalated (and judging by the pictures he’d sent me, they weren’t the only thing that had). It was bizarre. For the first time in ages – possibly the first time ever – I’d felt purely, viscerally physical, a bit like how I did when I was in the gym, but also so very differently.