‘It started right when I sat down,’ I said. ‘The kid had put one of those things on my chair that make a huge farting noise when you sit on them. I was so thrown by the whole situation I didn’t notice. I just sat, and “paaarp”.’
‘No way.’
‘Yes. And the kid – TJ, he’s called – absolutely pissed himself laughing and so did Sheldon and so did the people at the next table and the waitress.’
‘And you still didn’t leave?’
‘How could I? The whole restaurant was staring at me, and Sheldon was looking at me like this was some kind of test. So I had to laugh too.’
‘What a bastard! So he knew it was there?’
I nodded, my face flaming as I relived the moment. ‘He said, “My little man is quite the comedian.” And I was like, “Yes, he certainly is, haha.” And then we introduced ourselves like all this was perfectly normal.’
‘Oh my God. That’s just so weird. What a nutter.’
‘He said, “A central part of my dating journey is finding someone who can fit with me and TJ, and play a part in his life as she does in mine.” He didn’t actually say be a mum but that was so blatantly what he meant. He said how every moment of the time he spent with his boy was precious, which I guess was his way of justifying dragging him along as a kind of wing-child on a Tinder date. And the kid was sitting there the whole time with this massive grin on his face like he was having the best time ever, blowing bubbles into his milkshake.’
‘Ugh.’
‘I know, right? And then when TJ got up to go to the loo, Sheldon got right in there and started slagging off his ex.’
‘I bet he did.’
‘He was like, “Of course I cherish Wanda as the mother of my child, but…” and then he launched into this tirade about how she didn’t value family life, she was a “career girl” and although he would’ve been quite happy to support the family because he’s a high earner, she was having none of it and had insisted on going back to work after she had TJ.’
‘Okaaay. I think I see where this is going.’
‘I think you do. Poor Wanda got it from both directions. He was so cross that she didn’t want to sacrifice her career to be a mum that he refused to lift a finger in the house and then made it her fault when everything went to shit and his shirts weren’t ironed and the grouting between the kitchen tiles wasn’t getting bleached three times a day and there wasn’t a hot meal on the table when he got in from work.’
‘He didn’t say that, though, did he?’
‘He didn’t need to. It was so clear that was what he meant. He said he believes home-making is the most important job a woman can do, and that was one of the reasons he wanted to date me, because of me being a chef.’
‘Ha! Like you’d finish a shift at work and want nothing more than to make bangers and mash for him and his child.’
‘And he said that was the reason, when he and Wanda split up, that he tried to get full parental responsibility for TJ but had to settle for fifty–fifty, and now he’s trying to “reboot his intimate relationships” and “launch family life 2.0”. He asked me if I’d read The Surrendered Wife.’
Dani cackled. ‘Okay, I feel a bit sorry for him now. He so picked the wrong woman. And I’m not talking about Wanda.’
His workout over, Fabian strolled over to us and, blanking me completely, ruffled Dani’s hair and said he’d see her later. Seconds later, we heard the roar of his Lexus as he drove away.
‘We’d ordered our food by this stage,’ I carried on. ‘I really don’t know why I bothered. I couldn’t have eaten a thing sat opposite him. But he hadn’t got completely into the misogynist stuff when the waitress came round, so I still thought I could have a burger and say it had been nice to meet them both and then leave.’
‘But you couldn’t.’
‘I couldn’t. I went into a massive rant. I just couldn’t stop myself. I asked him if he was aware how many single mothers – and their children – live in poverty because they’ve back-burnered their careers to parent full-time and then the dad’s fucked off. I said there’s nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mum, but that if he couldn’t see that women have just as much right to a rich and full life outside the home as men do, then he needed to get to Specsavers, stat. And I said that if he thought having a wife and a mother for his child was so important, maybe he should have tried a little harder to make his first marriage work, not be trying to find a younger model who was willing to be his cook, cleaner, nanny and unpaid prostitute.’
‘You go, sister!’
‘And then I did go. I put twenty quid on the table and wished him and TJ all the best, and stormed out. And you know what? It felt bloody brilliant.’
Fifteen
You’re not imagining it – sometimes fate does conspire to get between you and your goals. When that happens, take a little time out and refresh your spirit.
‘Your adventure begins in an inn,’ Adam said, just loudly enough for the six of us gathered around the table to make out his words, as the Dungeons & Dragons game began.
It was true, of course – we were in the Ginger Cat, with candles, bottles of merlot and bowls of potato wedges, hot chipolata sausages and spicy tomato sauce in front of us, along with our notepads, players’ manuals and dice. But it wasn’t quite the inn Adam would have had in mind.
I closed my eyes for a second, trying to transport myself into another time – another world, even. There’d be rough-sawn tables and possibly only hewn logs to sit on. There’d be a fire – here, in a London summer, there was no need for such a thing, even though we did light one on winter nights. There’d be horses tethered outside the door where Tim’s motorbike and Lana’s bicycle were. There’d be – I wasn’t sure – mead, maybe? Roast ox? Acorn soup?
‘You’re all relieved to have come upon this place, where weary travellers can find a bed for the night and a hot meal, exchange tales of their adventures with their fellows and perhaps put together a party to embark on the next quest. You don’t know what the future holds beyond tonight, but you’re in a refuge, a place of safety – or so it seems, for now.’
A shiver ran down my spine and my eyes snapped open. The faces around the table were all transfixed, leaning in towards Adam. I reminded myself to stop seeing Freddie and Nat and Archie and all the rest of them, and to stop being myself, too.
For tonight – and for every Tuesday for the foreseeable future, until we got bored and wound up the game, or my character was killed in battle and I had to choose a new one – I wasn’t Zoë Meredith, pub cook and unsuccessful serial dater. I was Galena, a skilled fighter with the strength, dexterity and toughness that had been bestowed on me by rolls of a twenty-sided dice. Freddie was Hesketh, a bearded barbarian who could swing a double-headed battle-axe as easily as if it were a toothpick. Archie was Dun, a rogue who could move as silently as a cat and pick a lock in seconds. Nat was a sorcerer called Annella, Nat’s friend Lara was a cleric called Lorien, and Freddie’s mate Tim was Torvid, a ranger.