And the ones that haven’t? I thought.
I said, ‘Honestly, if it were me, I’d be completely freaked out. I’d be worried about how I’d feel if my boyfriend shagged someone else in front of me, and about how he’d feel if I did. And I’d be all self-conscious about being the only person there with ginger pubes. Or any pubes. But maybe it’s different once you’re there, if you get into it.’
Dani took the straw out of her drink and chewed it, then grimaced and stopped. ‘Yuck. It’s one of those paper ones, and it’s disintegrating in my mouth.’
‘But you’re helping to save the planet, right?’
She laughed. ‘I guess a mouth full of paper is a price worth paying. But the thing is, Fabian’s way more experienced than me. He’s been with loads of girls and he watches loads of porn and I kind of feel like there’s this massive expectation that I’ll be into the same stuff.’
‘Like what?’ I couldn’t help asking, even though the thought of Fabian knocking one out to a porno gave me the literal shivers.
‘Like some poor woman having a load of men spunking all over her face until she looks like a plasterer’s radio. But other stuff, too. He likes me to dress up.’
‘An ex of mine tried that once,’ I remembered. ‘I don’t know what got into his head. I was in bed and he came into the room with an eyepatch on and a stripy jumper, and a breadknife stuck into his belt, and he was like, “Yarrr, a fine filly we have here, me hearties.”’
‘What?’ Dani spluttered. ‘He dressed up as a pirate?’
‘He did. But I don’t think he’d really thought it through. I tried to play along. I said, “No, sir, I am an innocent girl. Do not defile me!” and I pretended to cry, and he went, “Oh my God, Zoë, I’m so sorry,” and got into bed with me and gave me a massive hug, and that was the end of that. Well, the end of the pirate thing. We had sex, obviously, once I’d explained that I hadn’t really been scared.’
And that had been the end of any kind of fantasy role-playing sex games with Joe. We hadn’t needed to spice things up, not really – sex with him had always been amazing. But maybe it would be better with Jude if I made more of an effort? Maybe I should invest in stripper heels and cut-out bras and thong knickers that would get stuck up my bum crack and give me thrush? Maybe I was too boring, and that was why it wasn’t working out like I’d hoped?
‘Fabian keeps telling me about stuff he got up to with his exes,’ Dani said, when we’d ordered another round of drinks. ‘Threesomes with other girls, and even with other blokes. It just makes me feel so inadequate, like I should be up for all that stuff, when really I’m just not. But I want to be good enough for him. The sex club thing… he says we don’t have to even do anything – we can just go along and watch. But I don’t know if I want to watch a bunch of strangers getting it on.’
‘Honestly, I can’t think of anything worse. Like watching other people play computer games or something. Wouldn’t you be like, “No, don’t do it that way!” Or you’d be worried that you were staring and it was rude.’
‘I know, right? But then he tells me I’m so hot, and he wants to show me off, and that’s nice, isn’t it?’
‘It’s only nice if it’s what you want to do, surely?’
‘I know – you’re right really. But when we’re actually having sex and he talks about this stuff, I kind of go along with it. Maybe it’s just fantasy, and all he wants to do is talk about it?’
‘I wish there was more of that with Jude,’ I admitted. ‘Not sex clubs, obviously. But it’s… well, I wouldn’t say it’s crap. But when we shag, it’s always over in, like, a few seconds and I worry it’s because he doesn’t fancy me enough and he just wants to get it over with. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Of course he fancies you! Why wouldn’t he? Maybe you’ve just got into a rut. Maybe you need to spice things up a bit.’
Surely two months isn’t long enough to be in a rut, I thought. ‘Spice things up how?’
‘Like, buy some saucy new underwear. Light candles. Stuff like that. Nothing major. Just – you know – let him know you’re up for it.’
‘I guess,’ I said, thinking without much enthusiasm about scratchy lacy knickers that would be a case of thrush waiting to happen.
‘And talk to him,’ Dani went on. ‘Tell him what you’re into. Guys love that. They’re dead eager to please, really.’
‘You need to be honest with Fabian, too,’ I advised. ‘Maybe have a proper talk about it, when you’ve both got your clothes on, and tell him what your boundaries are. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work, with safe words and stuff? And if he suggests anything you’re not into, just say no.’
‘That’s all very well.’ Dani sighed. ‘But with Fabian, it’s just not as easy as that.’
Twenty-Two
When opportunity knocks, will you open the door or stay under the covers? Take control of your destiny and you might notice your luck beginning to change.
It was almost a week before I saw Adam again. I still checked up on the birds every morning, and Robbie made a point of leaving bacon rind out for them instead of putting it in the kitchen food-waste bin. The blackbirds and the robin seemed to have made peace, and most mornings I saw them together, feasting at the bird table, joined by a couple of nondescript little brown birds I couldn’t identify.
Then, on the morning of our next Dungeons & Dragons game, I spotted Adam walking down the street on his way to the station, and almost without thinking I found myself opening the door of the Ginger Cat and stepping out to intercept him.
‘Morning,’ I said.
Adam’s eyes flicked beyond me for a second, like he was considering blanking me and hurrying on past. But, to my relief, he didn’t.
‘Hi, Zoë.’
‘Fancy a coffee?’
‘I should really… oh, go on, then.’
‘Come in.’
We walked into the empty pub and I switched on the coffee machine, its roar sounding even louder than usual in the early-morning silence. The heady smell of fresh coffee filled the pub as I opened the canister of organic, fair-trade Rwandan beans.
‘Double espresso?’ I asked.
‘How did you guess?’
I laughed. ‘Come on. You’re clearly an espresso drinker. I’ve been a cook for long enough to have a kind of sixth sense of what people are going to order. I guess it helps that I’m Aquarius, and we’re highly intuitive.’
The Stargazer app, I realised, had been upping the ante lately. Its push notifications, which had often been acerbic, were now sometimes downright vicious – so it was just as well, I told myself, that I didn’t take any of this stuff too seriously. But mentioning it was a good way to needle Adam, and it worked.
‘You do know that’s—’ he began.
‘A load of rubbish? So you said before. But I knew how you like your coffee, without having to ask, didn’t I?’