I was furious, exhausted and desperately sad, but I had no idea what to do. I could tell him to pack his stuff and leave, but I wasn’t capable of that. It felt too cruel, too final. I could leave myself, just for the night, to get some head space, but I had nowhere to go. Or, of course, I could just lie here, seething with resentment, and hope that eventually I’d fall asleep and maybe in the morning a solution would magically present itself.
But I didn’t fall asleep, because after just a few minutes the door buzzer sounded, jerking me out of my thoughts. It wasn’t just one buzz, either – it was three or four, strung rapidly together.
‘Jesus Christ,’ Jude said, ‘take it easy, mate. You’re a fucking pizza delivery monkey not an air raid warden.’
I sat up and looked at him, and he added hastily, ‘The pressure these guys work under on zero-hours contracts is a bloody disgrace. Got any change?’
I hadn’t, but I got up and handed him a fiver out of my purse, and he hurried out. I heard his bare feet pattering on the stairs, then the click of the outside door opening.
And then I realised I hadn’t heard what I would have expected: the rumble of a moped engine turning from the street into the alleyway that led to my flat, then cutting out. And now I heard something I totally wasn’t expecting: a woman’s voice, high with panic and tears.
‘Is Zoë here?’
Twenty-Four
When you compare yourself to your friends, you do everyone a disservice. Especially yourself, if you come out second best. Focus on what makes you special, even if no one else agrees.
Although the night was mild, Dani was wrapped in a long woollen coat, and she was shivering. When I folded her into a hug, I could hear her teeth chattering above my ear.
‘It’s all right,’ I said. ‘Whatever’s happened, it’s going to be okay. Here, come on in.’
I hesitated for a second, about to guide her up the stairs to the flat. But then I thought, whatever it was that had happened, she probably wouldn’t want to tell me about it with Jude there.
‘Wait here just a second. I’ll be right back.’
I ran up the stairs, grabbed my bunch of keys and hurried down again, Frazzle trailing curiously at my heels as I unlocked the door to the pub. Dani followed me inside. The Ginger Cat was empty: the last guests had gone home for the night and the cleaner wouldn’t arrive for her early-morning round for another four hours. I flicked the light switch and the spotlights over the bar came on, but the rest of the pub remained in soft darkness.
It could have felt eerie and spooky, but it didn’t. The room was warm and the dim light created a little circle of intimacy just big enough for the two of us to sit at a table.
‘Cup of tea? Or something stronger?’
‘I’m half pissed already,’ Dani said. ‘Guess there’s no point stopping now.’
I found a bottle of red wine and two glasses, promising myself that I’d put money for it in the till and wash the glasses before I went home, and we sat down. Frazzle prowled off into the shadows, hopeful of mice scavenging for dropped crumbs under the tables.
‘What’s happened? Is it Fabian?’
Dani nodded, taking a big gulp of wine.
‘Did you have a row?’
She shook her head, pulling the collar of her coat close around her neck.
‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘Whatever’s happened, you’ll be fine here. You can stay with me tonight if you like. Jude can sleep on the floor – he won’t mind. You don’t even have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.’
Dani took another swallow of wine, then gave a little choking gasp and started to cry. I grabbed some paper napkins and scooted my chair closer so I could put my arm round her heaving shoulders.
‘Shit,’ she said. ‘I can’t even bloody cry. It hurts too much.’
‘What hurts? Did he finish with you? It’s awful, if he did, but you’ll be okay. I totally one hundred per cent promise you will.’
‘Not that.’ She released her tight grip on her coat collar and it fell open. ‘This.’
‘Jesus.’ The warm golden light fell on the smooth golden skin of her neck, and I could see, as clearly as if they’d been painted on with make-up, the livid red marks on her throat. Four of them, just below her ear, and a fifth stretching around underneath her jaw. She didn’t have to turn around for me to know that there would be the same marks on the other side, because Fabian had two hands.
‘Fucking hurts,’ she said.
I realised I was trembling too. ‘We should call the police. Report him for assault.’
‘We can’t do that. There’s literally no point.’
‘Why not? He tried to fucking strangle you.’
‘Only because I let him.’
‘You what?’
‘It’s a thing he’s into. Breath play, he calls it. He’s done it before and it was okay – I mean, like, kind of scary and everything, but it made him happy so I went along with it and I was turned on and…’ She tailed off and drank more wine.
‘But this time was different?’
‘Yeah. He’d had a bad day and he was really stressed and he didn’t want to talk to me about what was wrong, and he didn’t want to go out or anything. When he’s like that it feels like sex is the only thing I can do to make him feel better. I can’t give him advice about his job or be any help at all, really. But I can do that.’
That’s all kinds of wrong, I thought. But I just said, ‘Go on.’
‘And I knew that he’d be in a better mood after a good old session. So I got dressed – he’d bought a load of stuff for me to wear, that I keep at his place – and he put on some porn and… well, you know.’
I didn’t really know. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
‘And he said he wanted to choke me, and I said yes, because like I said, he’d done it before and I was okay after, just a bit bruised. That’s why I haven’t been in the gym for a while, because I thought you and Mike might be freaked out, and anyway it was a bit too sore for me to want to get massively out of breath.’
Too sore for you to breathe for a week? And you thought that was okay? my mind screamed.
‘But this time he did it harder. I was so scared, Zoë, I felt like I was going to die. There were dots swimming in front of my eyes and I couldn’t breathe at all. I tried to get him off me, but he’s so much bigger than me and really strong. And then I guess I must’ve passed out because when I came round again he’d finished.’
‘Dani. Oh my God. You must know how dangerous that is.’
She nodded, wincing a bit. ‘The last thing I remember was thinking about that girl, that backpacker in New Zealand, who died from the same thing. And I thought how grim it would be everyone knowing about it, if my name was in the newspapers, and how ashamed Mum would be of me, and how I could never make things right with her if I was dead.’
‘Don’t be silly – no one would have been ashamed. He’s the one who should be ashamed. But you’re okay. Thank God, you’re okay.’
‘Fabian was really nice. He tried to give me a cuddle and stuff, but I just wanted to get out of there. So I put on my coat and I got an Uber here. I didn’t want my flatmates to see me like this.’