“I am really crazy about her,” I huff. I sigh and shake my head, admitting that she has a point. “I’m just worried that she’s not as crazy about me. And when she found out about one of the worst situations of my life when I just wasn’t prepared for it … I don’t know. I guess I was afraid if she knew everything, it might scare her off.”
“Now, Drew,” my mom says harshly. “You know none of that was your fault.”
“Really?” I snap back. “I shouldn’t have known I was dating a high school student?”
“No,” she insists. “We’ve been over and over this. It’s not your fault seventeen-year-olds these days looks like twenty-somethings with their tasteless clothing and their —”
“Yeah, okay, Mom, point taken,” I interrupt, not wanting to hear her rant about how young girls shouldn’t be allowed to act like grown-ups. Fuck knows I heard enough of that when Amber’s parents threatened to have me arrested for sexual acts with a minor.
Even though I never actually had sex with her. Thank god for that. I’m sure her brand of crazy extended to attempting to get pregnant by me. It only occurred to me after the fact that’s probably what she was trying to do when she basically pulled my pants down and attempted to climb on my dick. That and to have an ace in her back pocket when she wanted to make it look like I was the one molesting her.
And I sure as fuck wouldn’t ever want CJ to think I was. Because it took a long time, a lot of evidence, and Amber finally doing something epically outrageous before I could disprove the accusations against me. And prove that she was, in fact, the one stalking me after I ended things. The one who slashed my tires. The one who had her friends come to the restaurant and try to get me in trouble. The one who threatened to end me if I didn’t say I loved her like she loved me.
When she said that, my response was, “How can I love someone I haven’t even known for a month?” Then there were her obvious mental issues, but that wasn’t something I was willing to say to someone so unhinged.
The real irony is that I’m just closing in on a month of knowing CJ, and when she left tonight, I was crushed by my own stupidity. Over pushing her away. Because I knew in that moment I love her. And I didn’t really want her to leave. I wanted to not feel the way I did. I wanted to feel like I could tell her without being afraid she’d run. And then I fucked it up anyway.
“So what do I do now?” I muse, half to myself, half hoping my mom has some magic answer up her sleeve. Wouldn’t be the first time.
“I don’t know CJ,” she hedges, “so I don’t know what she would want, space or you to come to her right away. But for your own mental state, you should probably spend the evening thinking about why you don’t want her to know and how you can move past that. And then sleep on it. So when you do figure out how to talk to her, you’re in a better place. Sounds like you were pretty blindsided tonight.”
“Understatement,” I reply drily. I hear the front door open and close. Nick must be back already. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll talk to you soon, okay? Say hi to Dad for me.”
“You’re welcome, honey, I will,” she responds.
I hang up without saying goodbye, not wanting to let Nick escape to his room. I pop out of mine just as he’s about to do exactly that.
“Hey,” I bark. “I thought you were going to the movies.”
He turns, looking all kinds of guilty. “Forgot my credit card.” He clears his throat. “Hey, look, man, I’m really sorry about earlier tonight.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Are you? Because you seemed pretty happy to spill the beans to my girl. You’re not interested in CJ, are you? Because if you’re trying to break us up on purpose, it’s not going to work.”
The bastard raises an eyebrow. “I wasn’t, but it looks like you don’t need my help for that. Where’s your girl now, Drew?”
I open and close my fist, my palm itching with the desire to punch him for the taunt behind his words.
“I needed some time to process the Amber thing. That wasn’t bullshit, was it?”
Nick shakes his head. “Of course not. I may be an asshole, but I’m not a liar. I wouldn’t tell you she was here just to fuck with you.”
I snort. “At least you can admit you’re an asshole,” I allow. “Did you talk to her?”
Nick shifts from one foot to the other. “No. She was in first class, of course. I’m still too junior for that shit.”
“And you’re sure it was her?”
“I’m sure,” he insists. “Looked like she was alone. I wasn’t able to deplane in time to see who picked her up.”
I shrug. “She’s legal now. I doubt she needs parental supervision anymore.”
Nick’s eyes narrow. “Well, for your sake, I hope she’s still got it. Hear tell from the first class attendants, she was still every inch the snotty, demanding bitch she was before. Sounds like she hasn’t changed much.”
I heave a sigh. I don’t want to admit to him that I’m less worried about Amber and more worried about how I acted with CJ. Not that I’m ever going to admit that to him. I also realize CJ was right. I don’t know why I’m still living with this guy. Just because I’ve known him forever doesn’t mean I owe him anything.
“Hey, not to change the subject —” I start, but Nick opens his mouth to make a snarky remark. My ice-cold glare stops him in his tracks. “Yeah, this just isn’t working out for me, man. I’m going to find someone to take over my part of the lease.”
He looks a little surprised but covers it quickly. “Sure, whatever,” he says with a shrug. “Good luck finding someone around the holidays.” He smirks, then turns to go in his room.
Fucker. He’s not wrong though. I almost asked if he could just turn the place into a crash pad, since I know he’s got situations like that in other cities where flight attends all use someone’s place for layovers, but I doubt he’s going to do anything to help me at this point, petty bastard that he is.
I go back into my room and resume staring at the ceiling, mulling over my reaction. Thinking about what’s really bothering me about this whole situation.
My only conclusion is that I’ve never experienced what I have with CJ before. Never fallen so hard, so fast. Never felt so … myself with someone before. And as confident as I can be, I guess I’m still afraid to share the less-than-appealing parts of myself for fear it’ll ruin the best relationship I’ve ever had.
It sounds great in my head until I realize I’m only considering how I feel, what I want, and how telling her everything might scare her off. I’m being selfish.
Fuck.
I don’t want to be that guy. And I know deep down if I really want to be with this woman for the long haul, I’ve got to let her in for the bad stuff too.
I start to drift to sleep way earlier than usual that night, my mind and body exhausted from my emotional and mental struggles. The relief of knowing why has me calm enough to finally rest.
Though as I drift off, the fleeting thought of Amber back for unknown reasons crosses my mind. I can only hope that while she was gone she moved on. But then, how could she not have? Thankfully, sleep takes me before I can torture myself with that one too much. A problem for another day. Or not, hopefully.