“Excuse me?” Ryan scoffed. “Is that even legal?”
“Now, Samantha,” Bruce said jovially. “You can’t seriously be asking us to show you how the vegan sausage crumbles are made.”
“Oh, I’m deadly serious,” she said, trying to advance on the man. But Ryan held her by the waist. “Because if you mess with me, Bruce, the next time your cat Pepper gets stuck in an air duct, I won’t make a house call.” It was a weak threat. Of course she would show up to save Pepper.
Bruce gasped theatrically. “You wouldn’t dare!”
She leaned in and poked him in the shoulder before Ryan picked her up and whirled her around. “Try me,” she snarled.
“We need a town grump,” Bruce insisted. “Everyone here is too cheerful. It throws off the balance. Plus, Mason needs a business partner. And you—”
“If the next words out of your mouth are ‘need a man,’ Sheriff Cardona is going to be throwing my ass in jail tonight, and you won’t be up for any diabolical matchmaking until at least the New Year,” she threatened.
“Would someone explain what the hell is going on here?” Ryan asked, tightening his grip on her.
“I was going to say you are ‘at the top of our matchmaking list,’” Bruce insisted.
“Aren’t you tired of coming home to an empty house, Sammy? Watching all your friends pair off and start spending Sundays naked at home?” Willa pressed.
Now she was picturing all her friends frying bacon naked. Thank you, Beautification Committee.
“No. I’m not! I love my life. And I’m not marrying a grump that you brought here under false pretenses!”
“Someone needs to explain what the hell is going on right now or I’m letting her rearrange all your faces,” Ryan ordered.
“These hippie manipulators are trying to match us up so we fall in love, you move here, and we get married and have babies,” Sammy told him.
“Technically the marriage and babies are entirely optional,” Ellery cut in. “We don’t dictate what constitutes a successful match.”
“Carson assures us Ryan is the perfect match,” Wilson Abramovich, the town jeweler, said helpfully.
“You did have your first kiss with him,” Willa reminded her, interlacing her fingers under her chin. “Isn’t that romantic?”
“He wasn’t my first kiss!” Sammy shrieked.
“Oh, dear. She doesn’t even remember her first kiss.” Bruce tut-tutted.
Gordon looked perturbed. “Eva and Emma said it was one of your romantic highlights. How could you have forgotten?”
She took a breath and tried to count backward from ten but kept getting distracted by a desire to set all of the calendars on fire. Ryan’s arm tightened around her waist.
“I’m not exactly following what’s happening here,” Ryan claimed. “But I think the two most important things are: the winter solstice already happened on the twenty-first. And you have the wrong nephew. Ryan Shufflebottom was Sammy’s first kiss.”
Bruce chuckled like he’d told a good punchline. “You’re Ryan Shufflebottom,” he said. “And we can’t celebrate the Solstice on the actual solstice because the Wiccans would miss out on their celebration.”
“He’s Ryan Sosa,” Sammy announced.
“Ryan Shufflebottom is my cousin.”
“Son of a biscuit!” Ellery slapped a hand to her forehead. “We got the wrong Ryan!”
“Oh dear. This is terrible,” Willa whispered.
Rainbow held up her hands like she was directing a board meeting. “Let’s all calm down. No harm was done. You two didn’t accidentally have sex and start having feelings for each other, did you?”
Ryan and Sammy glanced at each other and then looked away again. “Of course not,” she said a few decibels louder than necessary.
“Good. We just need you two to stay away from each other until we can get Right Ryan here,” Rainbow continued.
“He’s not Right Ryan! And Sammy is not marrying my douchecanoe of a cousin!” Wrong Ryan shouted.
“I’m not marrying anyone!” Sammy agreed at full volume. “By the way, where is Carson really?”
“A poker tournament in West Virginia with his cousin Myrt Crabapple,” Willa helpfully interjected.
“Hey, quick question. Is Right Ryan an accountant?” Ellery piped up.
“Why does that even matter?” Sammy demanded, pressing her fingers into her eyeballs to make sure they didn’t pop out of their sockets.
With a soft smile, Ellery cupped her black lace gloves to her belly. “Well, it looks like we’re having a little ghoul or goblin. I’m going to need my Masey home more often.”
“Oh, my God, Ellery!” Sammy crooned, temporarily forgetting her anger. “Congratulations! You two must be so excited.”
“Mason needs a partner in his firm,” Rainbow explained. “It’s practically three full-time jobs trying to keep the residents out of IRS prison. Wrong Ryan’s skills make him the perfect fit.”
And just like that Sammy was back to infuriated.
“That’s not actually a thing,” Ryan insisted.
“See! Wrong Ryan knows stuff! Maybe after we match up Right Ryan and Sammy, we could pair Wrong Ryan with Moon Beam Parker. She’s due for a new husband,” Gordon mused, nervously fingering the fringe on his poncho.
Sammy gasped. “Not Moon Beam.”
Ryan let go of her to clutch his temples. “What’s a Moon Beam Parker?”
“This whole situation can totally be salvaged,” Bruce said with confidence.
“No. It can’t. You are hereby ordered to leave me, Ryan Sosa, and any other Ryan alone!” Sammy announced.
Ellery’s eyes narrowed. “Are you both covered in glitter?” she asked, peering at them.
“Does this mean I don’t have to save Carson’s farm?” Ryan pressed.
The Beautification Committee members chuckled. “Of course not! Carson has owned the farm outright for more than forty years.”
“Damn. I was looking forward to ripping you a new one later today,” Ryan said to Rainbow.
“I was looking forward to it too. I’ve been practicing my villain smoke rings,” she told him.
“At least you can quit smoking now that the jig is up,” Ellery said. “Rainbow really went method actor for this role.”
“Tell you what, Ryan. We can still keep the meeting if it makes you feel better. Maybe grab some lunch while you tell me how you shrewdly deduced there was no loan,” Rainbow offered.
“I ran a credit check on Carson. He hasn’t had a loan open with your bank or anyone else in the last decade,” he said modestly.
“Very clever,” Rainbow approved.
Sammy stomped her foot. “No one is having lunch with anyone. I want you to explain how you burnt down a house to get Eden and Davis together, and yet I get some half-assed attempt with mistaken identity!”
Bruce Oakleigh shushed her and looked frantically over his shoulder. The fire—like most secrets in Blue Moon—was a poorly kept one. “I assure you, Samantha, we full-assed this campaign. And I would very much appreciate it if you kept any mentions of any f-i-r-e-s quiet.”