I smirk. “It’s a little late to put yourself up for adoption. Nobody wants a thirty-two-year-old chronic masturbator.”
“Fuck you.” There’s the brother I’ve been missing. He drops into one of the chairs in front of my desk. “You might want to sit down for this.”
Three days. That’s how long I cried after Micah’s funeral. I told Haley I would bring Liam and his sister because I needed the closure as much as they did. That’s only partly true. I knew Blaze would be there, and I just wanted one more minute with him, one more look, one more breath.
He looked so different and still so much the same. His normally stubble-shadowed face was clean-shaven and smooth. Instead of jeans, he wore dress pants and a button-up shirt. And he didn’t wear a beanie. That’s probably a good thing. He didn’t look like my Blaze, but he felt like him. As hard as I tried to ignore it, it was there. The thrumming. The pulse between us. The pull of the way he makes me feel.
I wanted to hold him. I wanted to tell him he’s wrong. What we had wasn’t nothing. It wasn’t a mistake. I wanted to cut myself open and show him the deepest, darkest parts of me and promise to never keep anything from him ever again. I wanted to ask him if he thought we might still have a chance.
Instead, I said goodbye and broke my own heart because I was afraid of rejection. There is no greater power than fear.
Except for love. Why couldn’t my love be greater than my fear?
I love Blaze Abbott. I’ve loved him since the day on the lake when he opened up his soul and let me inside.
I miss him. I miss the way everything disappears when I’m with him. I miss his strong hands and gentle touch.
Loving someone isn’t nearly as overwhelming as missing them.
I’m running out of ways to feel numb. The Golden Girls doesn’t even help anymore. Brody has tried. Haley has tried. Even Jake has tried to take my mind off of Blaze. There’s a scene in Twilight where Bella watches as the calendar shifts from day to day. Time is stagnant. Moments run together, and it’s as if she’s watching her life through someone else’s eyes. Nothing matters.
I am the time in that scene.
I am stagnant.
I am still.
I’m sitting in my pajamas curled up underneath a blanket on my sofa. I dip my fingertip in the whipped cream on top of my hot chocolate and stare at the TV. Sophia just got arrested for starting the fire at Shady Pines.
I click the off button on the remote because it reminds me of the fire, of the brewery, of him. Everything reminds me of him.
I’m about to go to bed and stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep when my front door swings open and Brody and Jake barge in.
Brody snaps his fingers. “That’s it.” He grabs one arm while Jake grabs the other. “Up you go.”
“We’re busting you out of this joint,” Jake says as they pull me off the sofa then let go of my arms.
I take the ponytail holder from my wrist and start to wrap it around my hair. “Can I at least get dressed first?”
Brody shakes his head. “Nope.”
“You know this is kidnapping, right?” I tighten the ponytail.
“Don’t care. I know a guy who can pull some strings,” Brody says then winks at Jake.
I roll my eyes. “Oh my God, you two are ridiculous.”
Jake’s blue eyes lift to meet mine. “Are you going to grab your shit and come with us willingly, or do I need to put you over my shoulder?”
“I’m grabbing. I’m grabbing.” I grab my keys and purse off the kitchen counter and slide into my bright yellow Crocs. Anywhere I can go in my pajamas, I can go in Crocs.
He smiles a proud smile. “Good girl.”
We pull up at HoH, and they guide me through the house to the backyard. There’s a white tarp hanging from the wooden privacy fence and four rectangular mini inflatable swimming pools filled with pillows and blankets. Haley is scattering lanterns between the pools and along the walkway. The boys have already made themselves comfortable with popcorn and candy.
“What in the world is all this?” I ask.
“It’s movie night, Miss M. We thought it would be cool if we could all hang out,” Liam says with a mouth full of popcorn.
Ryder holds out a red and white plastic bucket. “Here. Have some popcorn.”
His face is so happy, so hopeful. They’re trying, so I need to try too.
I take his bucket and settle into my appointed pool. Brody and Jake settle in on each side of me while Haley shares a pool with Zeke and Nate. Jake splays his arm along the back of our pool, placing his hand on my shoulder.
He leans over to whisper in my ear. “Too soon?” I cut him a glance, and he slides his arm back to his lap then grins. It’s that cocky, smug grin that only Jake can make look adorable. “Okay. I’ll wait.”
That’s exactly what I’m doing. Waiting. For as long as I have to.
Two weeks ago, Kai asked me to speak at an upcoming fundraiser in Florida, a spur of the moment event before the holidays. Of course, I said yes. Even though at the time, I had no idea what I wanted to say.
Then he emailed me a list of names and addresses, people I was to invite to attend. My chest caved in when I got to the third name on the list. Blaze Abbott. One look at his name, one beat of my heart, and I was no longer trying to win the hearts of hundreds of people. I only wanted to change the heart of one.
This is my chance to show him that there is strength in our pain and purpose in the darkness. Without it, we would never find the light.
Blaze’s future might not have me in it, but at least maybe I can show him that. Maybe in my healing, I can lead him to his hope.
It’s time now. A drop of sweat skates down my spine. I’m nervous. I don’t know that I’ve ever been this nervous about anything. Within moments, I’m going to stand on a stage in front of hundreds of influential people, important people, entitled people, and tell my life story. My story. I’m about to rip open my chest and bleed out into a room full of complete strangers in hopes that they’ll open their checkbooks. What’s the going rate for a woman’s soul these days? Ten thousand? Maybe fifty if I really sell it. Who knew the little girl who once slept on the floorboard of a rusted minivan with nothing but a bath towel to keep her warm would be the guest of honor at one of Florida’s top resorts?
I fidget with the hem of my soft pink pencil skirt and shift uncomfortably in my chair while Kai addresses the crowd. I have no idea what he’s saying. I can’t hear him over the pulse pounding in my ears. Random words float across the stage followed by collective laughter from the group of guests seated at their round, linen-covered tables.
The sound of applause lulls me out of my trance. I glance at the podium where Kai is smiling at me affectionately. He gestures his hand toward the microphone, offering me the stage. He must’ve introduced me already. A pang of guilt twists at my stomach that I missed it because he’s never been anything but supportive and encouraging. Still, he has no idea what a milestone tonight is for me. He has no idea what’s coming. He has no idea what I’m about to do. He doesn’t know I’m about to share the details of a past that I’ve never shared with anyone, not one single person. Until this moment.